Tagged by am_pm

I have been tagged so lets get it on!
Am_Pm has tagged me with "Name 8 attributes for my perfect partner"
Now being married and happily so I will be writing this as a spoof from a typical man point of view. Now I like being married and not having to sleep with one eye open so I will try not to anger the woman person I call my wife with this but it probably wont work.

1) She has to be all woman. No women with "Something Extra", "Chix with Dix" or"Magic Wand Mistress" allowed. If I perform the crocodile Dundee test on you and you are packing you will probably be packin my foot in your freak ass!

2) She has to be able to cook! And in cooking I am talking no microwave, hot plate, add hot water or George foreman Grill. She has to be able to look in a frig of random nothingness and be able to whip up a meal that would floor the Iron Chief! ( Cheif Chief I have no idea so leave it alone!)

3) No holes barred. And if you need any more of an explanation on this u need not apply!

4) Love my gas. I fart and still find it funny and will probably still be laughing at it when I am an old fart. She has to also be able to admit she farts too and prove it. People that don't fart and burp make me nervous, where does it go if it doesn't come out?

5) She must like low brow cartoon humor, like: The Simpson's, Family Guy, Drawn Together, Adult Swim, and last but not least Beavis and Butthead!

6) Not hung up on her weight. I like my women meaty and can't stand women who are hung up on their weight. I do like a woman who cares about her looks but not one who single obsession in life is "Does this make my ass look big?" Sorry to break it to you but if you have to ask that question the odds are its your ass doing that and in my book there is nothing wrong with that :D!
7) She has to like kids. I want kids and have always wanted kids. I am not saying I would leave someone who could not have their own, you can always adopt a child from some other country give him a wild name, give him a Mohawk and turn him into the next Jackie Chan. If you don't want kids then I really don't think u were the one form me. Not saying that I wouldn't like to cover you in whip cream and beat your ass with a Barbie doll, video tape it and sell it on Ebay for a shit load of money now!

8) She has to be affectionate. I love public displays of affection( and yes sex in public places is always good to), holding hands, hugging, kissing and playing. If you are some tight ass that gets pissed when I slap your ass in public u can go fuck your self(and let me watch)! Some people say it should only be for the home but I am not part of that religious oppressed movement. I am no big fan of the French but when it comes to affection, sex and love I think we could learn a thing or two from them.

Now there are a number of other things I could put here but I think '8 is enough'- I hated that TV show-
Now I am not going to tag anyone but if anyone out there feels they can out do me here knock yourself out. I think some of the guys out there have some expectations that even their own mothers could not live up to. Lower the bar a little, because we all know you were not their first pick either.

And what would a post from me be with out a moment of ZEN: ( thanks steph for this it really made me throw up in my mouth a little)
Now since the blogger Gods are out to lunch I can't seem to up load the photo so please click on the big words for your morning surprise

MOMENT OF ZEN