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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I started a post and forgot to finish.....

I started this post three days ago but I really could not get it going. I just have not been feeling the want to do much of anything these days but I force myself, one foot in front of the other. Things are.......well they just are. I cannt say it is bad but I also cannt say they are good either, and that is what eats me up the most I think. The uncertainty of all of this, the not knowing.

A fellow flickr friend, Hogan, has helped me with giving a name to what has been going on with me. He told me that he sometimes does what he calls "Ghosting People". He said it is when things in a relationship take a turn for the worse and one trys to salvage some emotional ground by ghosting the person. And it basically boils down to turning off your emotions to a person and or situation to the point they become invisible and that what they do or say can no longer hurt you. And what got me about what he said is that is kind of what I have been doing with myself. I am not trying to do this but it seems that is what is slowly happening. My emotions have made me a wreck and I want some control so I kind of started down that road. I am going to try and keep my emotions from getting the best of me because I am not sure I want to ghost anyone just yet. As long as there is a glimmer of hope I will hold fast. I want there to be hope so I wont let things slip to far into the shadow lands. But I also know that at some point I might have to ghost, just for survival shakes but for now I am just going to tread water because I have hope for a passing ship.

I see hope in our lives, we took the kids to Sandy Hook on Saturday and Sunday. I have some pictures that I will post later this week. We are also spending the day together tomorrow, I switched shifts with a coworker so I could have off the same day she has off. I know I might be just grasping at straws but I would rather that than just giving up. It is strange to be where I am, I sometimes feel normal and then the next second I have to hold my breath to compose myself. Music seems to set me off a lot and even little things that should be up lifting have me falling apart. I came across something today that I am trying to use as a building block to putting myself back together. There are a few points in this video that did pull a little but the moral of the story is what i am trying to use. Take a look and tell me what you think:

The True Meaning of Life

I am going to try on working on this; looking at the small pleasures of life and also with being more patient with everything and everyone. I really seemed to have lost that, and I feel that has been my biggest down fall in all of this. My inability to see what was going on right before me, and that by the time I did it was almost to late. Please take a moment and close your eyes and take nothing for granted, because the things you see with your eyes maybe the very things that are blinding you to what you have and not what you you think you should have.

One more brick in my rebuilding:

'Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.'
'Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.'
'Walk beside me and be my friend.'
- Albert Camus

Friday, July 16, 2010

Well over due......

Ok, I am really late with this post but I have been trying to get a lot of stuff in order. My blog being one of them and my constant putting off of things that need to get done. But then again who isnt guilty of that? haha

I was in Florida from June 25th till June 29th, well almost. It started out on June 25th with me getting text after text from the airline about my flight being delayed. Normally I would not have cared about that but I had to catch a connecting flight from Atlanta GA. to Pensacola FL. We could not find any direct flights there so I had to do the whole one flight here then another flight there. So, my concern was the connecting flight, it was leaving out of Atlanta at 2315hrs that night and I did not want to miss it.

Well after a whole bunch of delays we finally got off the ground, but we were delayed in the air because of runway issues. And would you know it, I missed my connecting flight by 15 minutes! Oh fucking hell, and the next flight did not leave until 0830hrs the next day! I wanted to raise all kinds of hell but I was not really in the mind set to argue about anything. I just took a big old bite of the shit sandwich and smiled.

I spent the next 9 hours wandering around the airport making numerous single serving friends. One of which I had the pleasure of talking to for 4 hours! I have this ability to get anyone talking, and usually its the people with problems that want to unload are the easiest to talk to. My first single serving friend was named Meily, she is from Hawaii and was trying to get home. So here is Meily's story:

I saw what I thought was a guy just standing outside by the pick up and drop off area, sorry no offense Meily, but then 'he' turned around and I saw 'her' knockers. And big ones to boot lol! She had really short hair and a baseball cap so the mistake was understandable from the rear, but I will say she had a very pretty face. I am kicking myself because I didnt get a picture of her, it didnt dawn on me until she was sigh. Now, I had bought some smokes for the trip which I know was bad but these days they have been a real comfort. And nothing breaks the ice like giving a woman in need a smoke haha.

Well, after our introductions I was able to get her life story and hell I am not even sure where to begin with her lol. She was in Atlanta because her would be husband never came to get her when she landed in Washington, D.C. You see she was supposed to be getting married that very day but the would be groom went AWAL on her. So she took a flight to Atlanta where she had family but they lived 4 hours away from Atlanta by car. So she was at the airport waiting to be picked up.

It turns out she is a Marine, just back from Iraq, lost the hearing in her left ear due to a mortar going off next to her, been married two other times and to top it all off her friend is having a baby that she plans on adopting. So her plans to be married, with her new baby had fallen through so she is now making plans on being a single mom in the military.

Needless to say those 4 hours of chatting went by pretty fast lol. After she left I met some drunk dude wandering around the airport, he said he was homeless but he never asked for money and had to be the best dressed homeless person I have ever met. Then I met another guy in the smoking lounge in the terminal. And yes the Atlanta airport has a smoking lounge in it!

Well this guy was dressed in full army camo, even down to the boots! I come to find out he got out of the military 20 years whats up with the gear? I never really found out, just another guy who never let go I guess. But he helped pass the time chatting about this, that and nothing at all.

The below picture was taken about 0200hrs in the morning out in the pick up and drop off area. The guy in the bottom left hand corner was passed out when I got the camera out but popped awake for like 2 seconds when I took it. Then he was back to lala land.

See, I wasnt joking!

I finally get to Florida but had to wait for Doug to get done with his classes to come pick me up. I am not used to the Florida sun at all and was just about blinded by the sun when I stepped out of the terminal. I had been awake for almost 30 hours at this point with no real desire to go to sleep just yet. I had already waisted enough time trying to get here and I wasnt about to waist anymore sleeping haha.

After Doug picked me up we went back to the base got dressed for the beach. We meet up with some of his buddies with a cooler full of beer and hit the sand. I stopped and got some sunscreen, SPF 70! And for good reason, just look how white I am!

It was hot, Florida hot! I have no idea how people can live down there, it is just to damn hot.....all the time. And the water was warm, I am used to the Jersey shore. Where it is hot on the beach but the water is freezing, not in Florida. It had to almost 100 degrees outside and the water had to be almost 80! But it was fun never the less.

Now for the next 3 days we bar hoped all over the place. From Buffalo Wild Wings, to this huge outdoor bar called Florida-Bama, to Hopjack and so on. It was a nutritional nightmare of a vacation but I regret nothing lol. Here we have Doug at this place called Hopjacks. -take note of his hat ;) -

There was a live band playing that night, they were really good, not my taste in music but they put on a good show. Now, Hopjacks had one thing I have never come across.....Vodka infused flavors that just defy reason. You cannt really see it in the picture below but right behind the bartenders head are large jars with Vodka and .....other things to give it flavor. The normal stuff is on top, like different fruits and so fort. But the two I could not even bring myself to try were the Peanut Butter and Jelly, which was just Vodka and peanuts. And the other one ....ready for this BACON. Yes I said bacon, the jar was filled with bacon and Vodka! I love bacon with a passion but some things just should not be mixed with it.........namely Vodka.

One of Doug's buddies said the peanut butter and jelly one was actually really good but I just took his word for it. Just thinking about it now makes my gut do flip flops. Here is the band, sort of a reggie sounding band. And even though the bar was small the sound was great, not to loud and no feedback.

Last day there we had a barbq on the base. It was hot, just hot as Florida can get lol.

The guy in the hat is Doug, he has the affinity for hats these days lol.

And thanks to BP the beachs were closed due to the oil. This beach was right next to where we were cooking, it sucked that we could see the water but could not go near it! So a real big FUCK YOU to BP for this.

Gee I wonder where those steps go to?

This is a shot from the beach up to the Navy lodge, I wonder how many venomous snakes live in there?

Everyone but me was tan, I felt like an albino around people here lol.

I have been trying to get this post out for a while, my desire to blog seems to waver in and out. For a while I just did not want to do anything, I felt like a wind up toy. Going through the motions of being human but not feeling alive. This also related to why I was smoking so much, smoking seemed to help fill a void in me but I know it isnt a healthy way to deal with it. I have cut them way back but some days are just harder than others. Tuesday was a really bad day for me, I had gone 2 days without any but on the third day I just kind of went into a downward spiral. I cannt say what set it off, if I knew what triggered these days it sure would help.
Today is Friday so I should be happy, and in all I am some what. This funk I am in is more than a funk, its a lot deeper that only time will work out. It is still early so lets see how this day pans out, one step at a time I guess.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

My last July 4th post

July 3rd:

Nothing to big just a barbq, watched the soccer game and let the kids play in inflatable pools.
Here we have the boys of summer. Mine are always the whitest kids in the group lol.

It was hot as hell this day and this did not help~~~>

The wife passed out in her chair while reading. So you know what I did? That is right, I took pictures of here haha.

Say hi to Katarina, you can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you cannt pick your friends nose. Unless they are freaks like me, go ahead pick my nose....I dare you.

July 4th:

We went to the movies on Sunday. The kids and myslef went to see Toy Story 3 and the wife went to see the new Twilight movie Eclipse. I was not about to be subjected to another Twilight movie, I had to suffer through the first two and that was enough. And in all I would say Toy Story was a better pick of the two. Awesome movie, everyone should go see it.

I was a bit concerened that the kids would make noise during the movie but once the previews were done and the actual movie started they did not make a sound until the credits rolled. It is just amazing the power some movies have over kids lol.
Here we have Lucas with his 3-D glass, he didnt want to take them off lol.

After that we stopped at ToysRus to get the kids a little pool for the backyard. We were going to have a cook out at here mom's and decided it was too hot not to. One thing to really take note here, I blew that fucking thing up with out an air compressor. The wife went back home to get it but by the time she found it I was already done. I would not advise anyone to try that.......

There is white and then there is Lucas White.....

We found him a little man chair in the garage that was Seth's when we went camping some years back.

The only draw back to spray on sun screen, it makes you all shiney!

I dont think this was ment for older kids but the life guard was out to lunch when Alan jumped in lol.

And after the day was over; what better way to wind down than some Wii time? Here we have Seth trying to teach Lucas how to play a Mario Bortheres game. Needless to say it was just too funny. I really need to get my video camera out more often. Lucas was just all over the place lol.

On a different note:
I recently reconnected with an old work friend that has been out in California for the past 3 years. She has been working on an internet magazine called Tight Rope. She has come back to Jeresey for a time and has been telling me all about it. She asked, just in passing if I would be interested in doing some write ups in it. I had mentioned to her I was an avid blogger and loved to write, she just dropped that idea of me doing a peice on her website. Well, I sent in sort of an intro to who I am what I want to write about and she loved it. It is still on the ground level with a lot of things and I am not going to get paid but at this point I am not looking for a job as a writer. I just write for the fun of it, and once doing something you love becomes a job it isnt fun anymore. So for the time I am going to just see where it leads, if no where then hey no biggie. I do have some hope it can become something more, I am a bit apprehensive about letting the world read how poorly I can write lol.