I started this post three days ago but I really could not get it going. I just have not been feeling the want to do much of anything these days but I force myself, one foot in front of the other. Things are.......well they just are. I cannt say it is bad but I also cannt say they are good either, and that is what eats me up the most I think. The uncertainty of all of this, the not knowing.
A fellow flickr friend, Hogan, has helped me with giving a name to what has been going on with me. He told me that he sometimes does what he calls "Ghosting People". He said it is when things in a relationship take a turn for the worse and one trys to salvage some emotional ground by ghosting the person. And it basically boils down to turning off your emotions to a person and or situation to the point they become invisible and that what they do or say can no longer hurt you. And what got me about what he said is that is kind of what I have been doing with myself. I am not trying to do this but it seems that is what is slowly happening. My emotions have made me a wreck and I want some control so I kind of started down that road. I am going to try and keep my emotions from getting the best of me because I am not sure I want to ghost anyone just yet. As long as there is a glimmer of hope I will hold fast. I want there to be hope so I wont let things slip to far into the shadow lands. But I also know that at some point I might have to ghost, just for survival shakes but for now I am just going to tread water because I have hope for a passing ship.
I see hope in our lives, we took the kids to Sandy Hook on Saturday and Sunday. I have some pictures that I will post later this week. We are also spending the day together tomorrow, I switched shifts with a coworker so I could have off the same day she has off. I know I might be just grasping at straws but I would rather that than just giving up. It is strange to be where I am, I sometimes feel normal and then the next second I have to hold my breath to compose myself. Music seems to set me off a lot and even little things that should be up lifting have me falling apart. I came across something today that I am trying to use as a building block to putting myself back together. There are a few points in this video that did pull a little but the moral of the story is what i am trying to use. Take a look and tell me what you think:
The True Meaning of Life
I am going to try on working on this; looking at the small pleasures of life and also with being more patient with everything and everyone. I really seemed to have lost that, and I feel that has been my biggest down fall in all of this. My inability to see what was going on right before me, and that by the time I did it was almost to late. Please take a moment and close your eyes and take nothing for granted, because the things you see with your eyes maybe the very things that are blinding you to what you have and not what you you think you should have.
One more brick in my rebuilding:
'Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.'
'Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.'
'Walk beside me and be my friend.'
- Albert Camus