- I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Am_Pm has tagged me with "Name 8 attributes for my perfect partner"
Now being married and happily so I will be writing this as a spoof from a typical man point of view. Now I like being married and not having to sleep with one eye open so I will try not to anger the woman person I call my wife with this but it probably wont work.
1) She has to be all woman. No women with "Something Extra", "Chix with Dix" or"Magic Wand Mistress" allowed. If I perform the crocodile Dundee test on you and you are packing you will probably be packin my foot in your freak ass!
2) She has to be able to cook! And in cooking I am talking no microwave, hot plate, add hot water or George foreman Grill. She has to be able to look in a frig of random nothingness and be able to whip up a meal that would floor the Iron Chief! ( Cheif Chief I have no idea so leave it alone!)
3) No holes barred. And if you need any more of an explanation on this u need not apply!
4) Love my gas. I fart and still find it funny and will probably still be laughing at it when I am an old fart. She has to also be able to admit she farts too and prove it. People that don't fart and burp make me nervous, where does it go if it doesn't come out?
5) She must like low brow cartoon humor, like: The Simpson's, Family Guy, Drawn Together, Adult Swim, and last but not least Beavis and Butthead!
6) Not hung up on her weight. I like my women meaty and can't stand women who are hung up on their weight. I do like a woman who cares about her looks but not one who single obsession in life is "Does this make my ass look big?" Sorry to break it to you but if you have to ask that question the odds are its your ass doing that and in my book there is nothing wrong with that :D!
7) She has to like kids. I want kids and have always wanted kids. I am not saying I would leave someone who could not have their own, you can always adopt a child from some other country give him a wild name, give him a Mohawk and turn him into the next Jackie Chan. If you don't want kids then I really don't think u were the one form me. Not saying that I wouldn't like to cover you in whip cream and beat your ass with a Barbie doll, video tape it and sell it on Ebay for a shit load of money now!
8) She has to be affectionate. I love public displays of affection( and yes sex in public places is always good to), holding hands, hugging, kissing and playing. If you are some tight ass that gets pissed when I slap your ass in public u can go fuck your self(and let me watch)! Some people say it should only be for the home but I am not part of that religious oppressed movement. I am no big fan of the French but when it comes to affection, sex and love I think we could learn a thing or two from them.
Now there are a number of other things I could put here but I think '8 is enough'- I hated that TV show-
Now I am not going to tag anyone but if anyone out there feels they can out do me here knock yourself out. I think some of the guys out there have some expectations that even their own mothers could not live up to. Lower the bar a little, because we all know you were not their first pick either.
And what would a post from me be with out a moment of ZEN: ( thanks steph for this it really made me throw up in my mouth a little)
Now since the blogger Gods are out to lunch I can't seem to up load the photo so please click on the big words for your morning surprise
Monday, January 30, 2006
Not much happened on Saturday, the wife and myself tried in vain to perform life saving surgery on the Doug-mobile. While Doug is out on his cruise drinking and have a grand old time ;-) he left his car in the drive way. This weekend we tried to breath some life into it just to keep it from rusting away. Now problem one: It is facing the garage door leaving us trying to get a car with the battery on the same side to jump it. My car had the werid positve and negative screws on the wrong side. I have never looked for the battery in my car and was suprised at how well it was hidden. It was under the air filter thingie hidden by a bunch of other devices that I have no idea what they were. It would probably cost 200$ in labor just to do a battery change, and the wifes car wasnt any better. Hell, we couldnt even find the negative screw attachment do-hicky to do a jump.
Now luckily her mom's old beast aka the 'Van' still has the old fashion battery on top so we could do the old fashion cable hook up and get the Douggie-Mobile running. We are going to have to tow it to the local Ghetto Boys Garage to get it a tune up. We would drive it the whole 6 blocks but it doesnt have any insurance on it, its not register and it has not passed inspection since 2001 when he bought this thing. Now for those of you who live in the thie nazi state on Jersey know why this is a bad thing, but for those of you unfamliar with NJ; THIS IS BAD! You get pulled over in this car and the odds are you could end up in prison, yes in jail for this. I do not want to be the guy in jail with the gayest "Why I am in Jail" story. But I hope to get it back to it former self soon, well as former as it can be since Doug did try to drive this thing into the ground-Literaly.
I took the oldest Devon and Bro-in-Law Allen to the park for a full body kinda workout.
Now for those of you with kids you know what kinda workout this is. It works every muscle in your body, mainly because I am the dad chasing after them doing things most parents wished they could still do. Running , jumping, climbing and crawiling. Most of the parnets at the park just sat on thier ever growing asses and watched, what a bunch of old farts. But then again I didnt wait until I was finacially stable to have them, it looked like most of these ppl were in their late 40's with small children. I had some friends like that in high school and I always thought their parents looked like their grandparents. Yes having kids early is hard but I would perfer to have them while I have the energy to play with them on their level than on grandpas level.
Here you see Allen running from Devon:
And this is Allen exsplaining how he nutted himself on the pole to Devon, and as you can see he is getting a real kick out of it.
Also you can see that this was one of those wooden jungle gyms and not one of those lame plastic kid safe ones. Now, dont get me wrong I am all for safety when it comes to kids but a child that never fall will never learn to walk. This one is definately allot safer than the wooden ones I used to climb on. In those days the wood was very splintered and full of jagged edges to tear you skin and cloths on. They also used sand back in the day for the padding, like that was soft or something. Sorry to tell you but falling on your ass from a 12 foot drop into a sand pit isnt soft. But this one was just rough enough to make these little monsters think for themselves a bit. It should be safe but not to safe that they take having to think before you jump away. I have been to some of these play grounds and even if you jumped from the highest point and landed on your face the worst thing you might get is rug burn on your nose from the foam padding they have around the gym. Whatever happened to the good old days when lawn darts and bb guns consisted of fun times in your backyard with a pocket full of bottle rockets and dads lighter?
Oh well, their loss. For the rest of the day I did the usual cloths and cleaning duties, with some Miller Light (4) and 1 scotch and coke. I got a good buzz on and went to bed. All in all it was a good weekend.
Friday, January 27, 2006
I have a doctors appointment today for a physical, I have not had one in a while and all the drugs and booze should be out of my system.......pssst-i dont do drugs ;-)........The last time I had blood work done the dicktor found that my liver enzyms were a bit high. Well duh! I was out drinking the night before, come on now! But this time I am clean and sober, so lets see how this one cums out. I am sooooo not looking forward to the needles though, I hate having blood taken HATE IT! But what can one do, just suck it up and deal with it. 'Be A Man, Be A Man!'
But I have to be fast today, got to get payroll done and a few other things I have been putting off.
1) I have no idea to where, what or why. I just spit on myself when I saw this statue. I love the baby on the bottom getting the field goal punt LMAO!
2) My initials are PJ, now take a swallow and pass it on! PJ-PimpJuice is da bomb-diggity-bomb!
3) Good to the last spooge!
4) When asians attak!
5) One for the guys, and maybe the ladies ass well.
6) One for the ladies, and for some dudes ass well ;-). And yes I am secure enuff in my manhood to put up a pic of nasty man butt lol.
7) This has to be the best Valentine card ever!
8) When exercise goes wrong! But in her defense she has a pretty face and perky nipples, its a start.
9) More proof that my sense of humor is going to get me in trouble some day lol.
10) Now I have to warn you about the last one, its not for everyone. And for those of you who know me will understand***WARNING***
I likem round but but sometimes too much of a good thing is too much. Nothing agaist the chubbies out there even fat chicks need love to! And hell it seems to be a trend now for the guy to be fat and girl to be skinny! WTF u want a skinny woman u better take a good look in the mirror first and get rid of that gut fat boy lol.
Hope everyone has a good weekend. I need a better caption for #4. I would love to have some suggestions, hell I will have a contest. The best caption wins a set of E-A-R taper fit ear plugs. Let the games begin!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
and I pressed the button and jumped back to avoid the blast of nut shrinking cold water. Now my mistake is that I jumped in the direction of the metal shelf, and the edge caught my side and tore a piece of flesh off. It did not bleed too much but it hurt like hell, and the meat hanging off the edge of the shelf was rather nasty. I wish I had my digital camera then, this was during the time I never really used it. I hope to have more scares before I die, they are such fun to show ppl during drunkin parties and also fun to show at HNT.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
And no I am not gay but u have to give respect where it is due. I am now off on my quest for narcissistic glory, look for my new blog in my profile in the next few days.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Eye halve a spelling chequer
Eye have a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revueMiss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing,It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,And aides me when I rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screeneye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spellingIs checked with such grate flair,
Their are no fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.
-- Sauce Unknown
The next one come from Becky, and yes I do love ya! I have had soo much fun with this site and if you are as naughty as I am you will to....look at mine then go make your own here~~> Church sign Maker
I am going to hell, who wants to cum with me?
Monday, January 23, 2006
Friday-Nothing to report sir. We went to Apple-Bee's and had a late night supper. No biggie.
Saturday- We cleaned and got allot of it done all in one day. I started reading my Elvis book that I have to read for school. And I have learned a bit about him that I did not know. He was born Jan. 8th, he had a twin that was still born, he was a real mommies boy( which was not that big of a deal because he was an only child) and that he got his first guitar at the age of 11.
Again not to exciting happened Saturday either.
Sunday- Now this was an interesting way to end the week. Two things worth mentioning did happened.
One: While I was washing my whites I spilled bleach on my favorite shorts. I was pissed as all hell because they 'were' black and even one spot of bleach will be visible from a mile away. So I decided to have a little fun with them, they were fucked anyway and this is what came out-
Interesting, at least it doesnt look like I busted a load on myself. Which is what it originally look like haha.
Two: We took all the creatures to see the Natural History Museum in NYC. This was an adventure in its self. The only real problem was with the little man and his evil two year old brain. He was ok when he was out of his prison on wheels( stroller) but once we put him back in it he went ape shit. So to say the least it was less than relaxing, but the other kids did not cause any problems.
Now between me and my sister-in-law we took a shit load of pictures. Most of them are the usual pointless pictures ppl take when they go to places like this. I will share a few of the more interesting pictures I took while walking around one of the largest collections of stuffed animals in NYC.
1) There was not any information on what this was but I have a few theories.....
2) Infront of the building there was this horse statue witht he biggest set of nutz. I have a close up of it but I think I am going to save that one for another post lol.
3) This plaque should get an award for stating the obvious. "Well gaaawly maw, I shoe wanted to touch dem stuffed animals!"
4) Tripod man lives!
5) This was a native all done up in his war paint. But what got my goat was that he even painted his buck-fifty. I think if I was going off to war I would have made a shield for my friends and left the paint for the face.
6) I have found my dad and just as I always thought he was hairy and full of himself. I just didn't think he would have been stuffed and mounted behind glass. Things never work out the way we imagine them too.
7) My little monkeys posing with some of our relatives. Some don't fall far from the family tree as we can see here lol.
8) She wanted to look just like them so she pierced her own nose right there in the museum with her fingers. We then used a #2 pencil to keep the whole open until we found a proper stick. Next she wants a lip plate put in, but I think that will be pushing things a bit.
9) This was just an awesome painting and I had to take the picture. She is a violent hairy bitch but look at those tits! I love Asian culture :-D
Now like I said I have tons of other pictures but I am not about to post all 100 sum of them. This post has taken long enuff as is, but I think most ppl get the idea. If you ever get the chance to go into the city, this is a museum worth taking a look at. But don't go to the food court they have, its rather pricey and the food is less than high school cafe quality. And if you have the balls challenge their " Suggested donation of 10$ a person" I couldn't bring myself to do it but if its only a suggestion then it isn't set in stone. So, if you are a real scrooge you probably could get in for alot less, but hell if 10$ is going to break your bank I don't think you should be out sight seeing in the city.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Now lets see what if any funnies I have found for today: (warning the last one is a little XXX)
1) I actually like the Harry Putter movies, but I think they should have give this character a little bit more of a back bone.
2) Is it ok to get turned on my an animated half fish chick?
3) I used to smoke camels but I think I missed this promotion!
4) words of wisdom!
5) I am only doing this for college.
6) The dirty Sanchez- and If you are curious to where this came from or to see it better go here~~>Dirty
Hope everyones weekend is a good one I have no plans as of yet. Now I am off to get some work done lol.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Here is my picture to add to the Thursday fun! Now if you are curious to what HNT is go to Osbasso site for the rule. So Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday please play along, I want to see some skin!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
I stole this from Binsk who stole it from someone else. Everyone gets someone elses sloppy seconds lol. Now pass on the intelligence and lets see if we can make common sense a little more common.
I was trying to post a few pics but the Blogger gods are on the fritz today. I will try later :-)
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
On Friday we went to Dr. Jellyfinger for the little womans first check up. She had to re-fill out all the damn paper work again. I always hate doing those things, but each time I am tempted to put YES to all of the questions instead of NO. Sorry, I have not had any serious health problems that I can list, the only thing I can put YES to is being tattoed.
We took little man with us and this was one of the calmest momments from the whole visit. I wish you could bottle up their energy, I would keep it all to myself. I would love to be that energetic alllllllll day!
As I said that was the calmest time, here he is twisting himself up in the curtain. He thought this was the funniest thing in the world. But mommy did not share in his merth, and my nerves were getting a bit raw too by this time.
So he spent most of the time in the corner and screaming. We have become the parents with the screaming kid at the resturant. It sucks, because if you know where I am coming from here, there is no way to stop it once it starts. The funny thing is I did not even notice that we had become "Those Parents" until recently, and you know what? I really dont care, it doesnt bother me to much. Just as long as he doesnt touch my food he can sit there screaming his little head off until hell freezes over.
And this is the machine that allowed us to see the little squirming dot that kinda looked like a fish. All these high tech do-dads to tell us something an over the counter EPT test and a drop of piss told us.
The doctors visit went well and she got these huge purple vitamins that are about the size of my thumb.
I went out with an old friend Matt to a local pool hall. I still suck at playing pool, I just dont get this game but I like playing. I found out that my high school reunion has already come and gone. It was at some bar and cost 80$ a person, then after wards they all went to some dive. It seems that allot of ppl did not get an invite and I was one of them. If I have said this once I have said it a million times: The bullshit you went through in high school will follow you forever. Later that night I went to classmates.com and took my info out, the whole point of me putting a profile in there was for the reunion. I see now there is no point in getting emails from this shitty site if it does not serve its purpose. I have no real desire to go to any reunions now, I once thought it would have been cool to see these ppl but not now. Same little clicks going around and besides, the only ones that seemed to have become anything married it.
Went home and drank beer, nothing to big.
I got reallllyyy drunk on Sunday, gin and tonic I thank you. Nothing happend other than I colored hy hair pink, toliet papered the bathroom at Target and had my camera taken away by the wife. I had to make an effort not to be a complete asshole in the store. I am known for being a terror in department stores when I am lit like a firecracker!
I used this pink hair spray coloring stuff, it comes out in one wash. I wasnt thatttt drunk, come on, I am not stoopid! Hehe looks like I am doing some hardcore playing with myself here lol.
This is just one of the pictures I took before the wife got my camera away form me. Most of the pictures were pointless and stupid. But I think the wife thought I was going to get in trouble, and she was probably right......
Here I am stalking the security guards. They never noticed me, I took like 4 pictures of them!
The back of a cashier, nice lady just has interesting taste in hair. Got to keep it different, same old hair-do can bring ya down.
I also got a good fire going in the fire place. I love fire places, when we get a home of our own the one extra I would love to have is a large working fire place. And yes that is the actual fire I got going.
This post has taken me all freakin day to do, due to the fact that today is "Monday" and all the bosses wanted all kinda things done. But I can now send my post out and sit back for a minute. I would like to thank all those who helped me out with my dilema eariler...........Jennay, Diamon, Binsk, Carie!, and D
I hope I did not miss anyone and if I did send me a nude pic of yourself and I will say I am sorry. Today has been really crazy, I hope everyone elses has been better.
And sorry Jenn-nnay, I didnt do spell check today. I am soooo done with this post, started at 7am and now its fucking 1:25 pm!
Monday, January 16, 2006
- 90% of the time I went to myspace to play around it was down for some reason.
- 95% of the 'hotties' have 40 head and clevage pictures, that look exactly the same except for the different outfits. I am a vain person but come on, so some original thought! These are also the people that have over 300 'friends' but never have anything of interest on their site. Other than more pics of themselves, if you want my attention you better be interesting or nude. I would take nude first!
- The set up for most of the profiles is visually assualting! People put soo much shit on their page you cannt see or read anything, then they add streaming(screaming) video to blast you out of your seat. I know we all have different taste in music but why oh why do the ppl with the worst taste insist on puting a video on their page. Yes Christian rock has some cool stuff but for the most part it too is gay. And by the time the video comes out for the newest 'IN' dance song its over played and now gay.
- The blog on myspace setup is totaly gay, it looks like some message board from the early 90s.
- People are always asking to be added to your 'friend' list but never comment on anything. Why bother being my friend if we never chat? Want a friend, get off your ass and go outside once in a while you toad!
- Spend hours trying to figure out how to load something onto your profile and then it wont load......sorry for the problems, but myspace is down for repairs. GGGRRRR die myspace die!
- And besides Blogspot is soo much cooler!
I probably could go on but its Monday and the mind is not really working to well today. Did not even post until now, its almost 1:30pm! This is the 4th time I re-read this damn post and I am still finding typos-thanks Jennay you have made me neurotic about my spelling lol. I will post about my weekend tommorrow, I have some pictures from the doctors office, the little man was as evil as ever. I sure hope the terrible 2's do not become the demonic 3's. But we are all fine and I still have this damn cough, green and brown early morning boogies now lol.
I removed some funnies to see if it would fix a small problem I have been having. Lets publish and post to see if Carrie was right......
Friday, January 13, 2006
I am leaving early today*dances like a wild drunken white guy at some else's wedding with an open bar* I am going with the little woman to our first doctors appointment, the first of many. But this one is the first and I wanted to be there when Dr. Jelly-finger does his thing. Its scrap booking time for baby #2 for us and baby#3 for me LOL. We are hoping for a girl this time but I personally only want a healthy baby, boy or girl. If I get a boy I can call them 'My Three Son's' LOL. Its funny, we went out to TGIF's last night and little man was his evil 2 year old self, but behind us there was a family of 5. Mom and dad, and their 3 little girls! We were betting that the last girl was supposted to be a boy, mom and dad praying extra hard for this one to have a tail. But like I said I don't care one way or the other, I just love the first few years. Don't get me wrong I love them at any age but they are never as loving or cuddly as they are during those first few years. Then they learn to walk and the first place they walk is away from you, talk and say NO and other things that will raise the hairs on your neck. A two year old shouting "FUCK" in a restaurant isn't as funny when its yours but its still pretty funny :-D! They learn to be there own person, which is great for them and they should. But it is sad as they pull away to take on the world and all its pain on there own. Then you suddenly notice that you missed the silence and all that 'me' time you used to have and you can't wait until they are in school full time LOL.
But lets see how this weekend pans out, I am planning on going out with an old friend on Saturday night. Probably no drinking involved but no biggie, I have not be felling in the brain cell killing mood lately. Maybe I will save it up for when the Bro-in-law comes home from da Navy. We all know that those first days will be booze soaked and full of fuzzy memories LOL. I have to get going now, got to get the payroll done early. So here are a few quick funnies to get us all smiling for the weekend.
1) They can mix drinks and sauce all at the same time.
2) I have been to several of these b.s. artist as a kid and this is how they always made me feel. Damn quack doctors!
3) I know I am going to hell so fuck it, I thought this was funny!
4) To bad if she catches you doing what she said you will go without sex for 3 months instead of the usual 2.
Have a good weekend yall.