NEW RULES for 2006 (George Carlin)
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
I stole this from Binsk who stole it from someone else. Everyone gets someone elses sloppy seconds lol. Now pass on the intelligence and lets see if we can make common sense a little more common.
I was trying to post a few pics but the Blogger gods are on the fritz today. I will try later :-)
About Me
- honkeie
- I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.
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10 comments:
Carlin is the BEST!! I think I should apply most of those rules...except, I'm not partial to having sex with a minor. haha
((I'm guilty of the month thing too...hahaha *sigh*))
Awesome rules! I'll do my best to abide by them. So funny about the baby months, I hate it when people answer that with 27 months and you have to sit there and figure out.... oh that's 2 years. That's all you had to say.
rev- amen bratha amen
Blondie-I am not into the minor sex thing either but when I was 13-17 there were a few teachers I would have loved to have boned! I can still remener the times I looked up there dresses!
Becky- the fucked up thing is it happened to me to day. I had to do math for a second to figure out the kid was 3! At three you really need to stop with the months. And the next time someone does that I am going to do this:
" On little snot nosed Johny is 36 months? I turn 360 months in july-asshole!"
Normie- sorry I almost missed u- i love him too-dirty old man lol.
Jasmine-almost missed u too :-*. I love your list you have about men and women. If anyone wants a giggle go see jasmines blog.
Carlin is a national treasure.
LOL... nothing like a blog theif!
::grin:: at least you gave kudos to Binsk for stealin.
These are really funny. I printed them out and passed them around the office.
::smooches::
Mara
oh i LOVE this rules.... carlin rocks!!! :D
I knew a broad with a tattoo of Chinese characters. She thought it meant something "poetic" like lovely dreamer, but this Chinese kid I went to college with said it meant something along the lines of budget hooker. And, of course, the tattoo was right above her ass.
Polyman- maybe we should put him behind glass lol.
Mara- I always try to give credit where it is due, how did the ppl in the office like them?
'ka- totally agree
Morbid-nothing like looking for a whore on a budget lol! At least she had some good advertising hehe, and that is why I will never put a tat on me that I myself cannt read!
Love this!
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
lmao
and
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
I stopped counting months when my kid was 1. After that, they were one and a half or two but never, NEVER 32mos. EVER.
:)
~K
LOL, kate! Good, i hate doing math when told someones age hehehe
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