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About Me

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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Day two.....

Of not smoking and it only really sucks when I am at work lol. When I am home there is little desire to even think about it. But at work it gnaws at my brian and it just sucks. But I want it and this will be fixed soon. I know why I started and I have come to terms with why I continued. I have a void in me and it filled it, not the best way to deal with something but it was a temporary solution. Now I am search of filling the void again, not sure what I am going to use but I am looking for something healthier and also something that doesnt smell so bad lol. I have been looking for a while for something, not sure what but we all know how that search goes. We can never find what we want when we want it, we always find something when we arent looking or when we no longer need it. This is a notion that has been playing out in my head for a while. I am not saying I am going to stop looking but I am not going to look as hard as I have. I am just going to keep an open mind and go from there. And who knows, I start college again in September and with a new out look on it maybe something will fall in my lap then.

On a different topic I have been thinking about making my blog private. I have not had any stalker problems or troll issues but I have just been thinking about making my feelings more private. If I do I will send invites to all those I currently know just so i dont lose any of the people that have shown me so much support with what I have been going through. I am still just thinking about it, I might not do it right now it is just a thought. I have always been open to people just popping from out of no where and commenting and I dont think I want to cripple that. But anyone that has been following me can see why I am not sure I want all to open unbridled with the world seeing me......well the me that has been evolving.

Life is just a journey that sends us in all kinds of direction, most of them are not planned or exspected. I would have never thought I would be where I am now, mentally. There was a time i did see it but again things changed and went in a much better direction. But these days I just dont know, I dont know where I am going or where I want to be. There are things I am sure of, I will always be there for my kids; always. I am going back to college to finish what i should have finished years ago, I am going to reconnect with myself and become that independate person I once was. At a time all I really needed was me, and it is time I build that back up. I let that fall so far that when I had to try and get that back it was gone. One of those life lessons we learn over and over again. Never take things for granted those are the things that will let you down in the end.

It is time for coffee and no smokes, I have talked myself off that ledge numerous times today. I even try rationalizing by more for 'emergencies' but I know how I am so that really isnt an option. Today is Friday, nothing really planned for the weekend just going to go with whatever comes around. I am trying not to plan soo much and over think the future. Whatever it will be is what....well, what it will be.

The wife has been watching the World Cup, and me not being much of a sports fan has not really put too much time into it. But her country did beat South Africa the other day. So we took this picture of Seth (with his summer mohawk) and her wearing their jerseys in celebration. I dont know much about the World Cup but it will take a long time before we get to the last and final game to find out who will be the World Cup Champions.

*Warning I am about to pour some personal shit out here*

-I thought I was done with what I wanted to type out but it seems there is something that I want to get out. I was not to sure about airing it out here but as of now I feel I want to:

About a week ago we decided we are going to 'separate' and just keep it to ourselves about it. We just wanted to, I guess, give a name to what or where we are now. Our original notion not to tell people came from the idea I know what people think when they hear that someone is separated and that is not what we are. No one is moving out, we still sleep in the same bed, have diner as a family and do all the stuff we used to do. It is just where we are mentally right now. And in all honesty we have been 'separated' for sometime now. But what started another round of fighting this past Monday she told her internet friend from CA the day after we had this discussion about it. I do feel I was in the right in what I wanted to talk about, in the sense we said we were going to do one thing and she-again-did another.
But in the end we were back to pointing fingers and arguing about the same stuff. Getting off track and going into areas that had already been discussed. I did find something about myself in this argument. I just went on and on, to the point I just did not know how to end it or where it left us. It end with us at odds with each other and me going out and buying more smokes. And like I said I felt justified in starting it but what I found out about me is that I tend to fall off track and just rub it in over and over again. Looking back with rational eyes I see that I need to work on how I approach something like this. I know where I am with this and see how I get. I am going to try something new, I am big on writing so that is what I am going to do. If there is something I want to talk about I am going to put it in writing and send it to her. An email or the old fashioned hand written note. This way I can keep myself in check and make sure I can get out what I want and nothing more. I dont want to come to verbal blows again and back in the same place where I dont know where to end and with no real way out. On Monday I was almost on the out for good with this. I wont sugar coat it in way, but we were able to come down off the ledge we had gotten ourselves back on to.
As of today things are better and back to where they were before Monday. I cannt get much out of her because she says she is confused to what she wants and I am confused to where I am with all of this. People change, for the good or the bad. And even if it is for the bad fighting about will only make it worse and I am tired of fighting. I am just going to let things lie for the time being and move on with myself. Staying the course of what I want to do with my life, with hope she will be there with me. She is the only woman I want in my life but I cannt make her want me the same. My actions of late have not helped the situation so I am working on not putting more stress in a place it is not needed. I told her i will give her time and try not to pester her about where she is but I also told her I am not going to wait forever. At some point I will check out and move on, I have already checked out some what. I had to, pouring all my emotion into one person has really put a hurt on me in a way i would never wish onto another person. I have not given up on hope, I will hold on as long as I can and be patient with all of this. It will take time and I cannt rush this, no matter how much I want to I cannt be pushy with the place we are in now.
I was not sure I wanted to air this out, but in the end I am glad I did. One more thing that is not festering in me, history tells me when I let things fester it ends in a very ugly place. I am not even sure how to stop with this post, there is just so much going on in me I cannt seem to figure it out on my own. But this is the best therapy I have at the moment. I am going to see a friend that is a family counselor, on the side nothing official just someone to give me something with outside eyes. I hope to see him this weekend or early next week, I have to wait until all of his nut cases have been taken care of first lol.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The weekend.....

It was a busy weekend, but not in a bad way. The wife had me watching some soccer, world cup and all has all the soccer fans out in full force lol. I personally could careless about it, not a big sports fan on any level. But I will watch an cheer on any team that I am in company with.

We went out and finally got our flag poles, I would have preferred a real flag pole but this will due until we have our own place.

We also took a road trip out to Red Bank, NJ to see Jay and Silent Bob's comic book store. I did not even know it existed until recently, and being a Jersey boy I had to make at least one trip out there!

It was smaller that I expected but it had all kinds of cool shit it in. All kinds of stuff from all of their movies. Unfortunately I forgot my camera but we did get a few from the wife's cell phone. Here we have me in mind sentence in front of a life size of 'Your Buddy Christ' from the movie 'Dogma'

And I HAD to get at least one item signed by Kevin Smith. I did not have 'Clerks' so I got this. I did not cost anymore than the usual Blue-Ray movie and it was singed!

Does anyone know who this is and what movie it is from? I do, i just want to see if anyone else is as cool as I am lol.

On the home front things are going, and that is about all I can really say. Things are much better than they have been by all means. Things still need to worked out but now it is all about just letting time heal things up. Wounds dont heal over night and neither do relationships. But anything worth working on is worth the wait on the healing process.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Moving on....

Moving on in the right direction is about all I can say about all that has happened. We are working towards a better tomorrow and making the most of today. I am working on putting down the smokes once and for all, it isnt easy but it isnt something I want to continue. I have talked to her about my smoking and she cannt see how someone who quit so long ago is now having such a problem with putting the down again. And in all honesty explaining that to someone who has never been there is really hard. I am not going to try and make her understand, you cannt make someone understand something like that. I am on my own a bit with this nasty habit but I know it is something I want to do, and that alone is step one.

Where I am with all of this is now an interesting topic. I am past the anger, the fighting, the finger pointing and the rehashing of what happened. With all of the things that has happened I have finally been able to see it from her point of view and make peace within myself about it. I was making things worse by taking what happened by putting myself there and saying, 'Well, i would have done this' and 'I would have not done this' that was one thing that was keeping me from moving forward. But once that dawned on me I had to put the breaks on it and just understand where she was at why things went down the way they did. I am not going to lay out all the things that brought us to where we are because it isnt necessary. The thing about it all is that we grew apart, we have been slowly pulling away from each other that by the time it came to a head it was almost impossible to see how it happened. Lack of communication, understanding of the other person, and just getting to wrapped up in what we were doing that we lost each other in the process. Hope is not lost, all I have to do is be patient with all of this. Which is hard because we all want things to just get better, NOW. But it cannt and it wont. I do not want to go back to the way things were, I want to move into a new direction and be in an even better place than that.

I cannt say what the future holds and I wont even try to, looking too hard into things was part of my down fall. We live and we learn and rebuild stronger than when we started. If something is worth fixing then the effort put into it will make the out come soo much better. And in the end if it does not work at least we cannt say we didnt try or that it failed because of the same problems from the beginning. I have become some what numb to the situation just because I am a bit burnt out from this roller coaster I have been on. I am not saying I dont care or that I am emotionless to what is going on, it is just my mind has just gone into repair mode I guess. Making peace with everything and just getting into the mind set of being patient has brought me here.

The summer is about to begin, and many of the things that have put such pressure on us is winding down. I am looking forward to the months coming up, I am going to Florida in 2 weeks for some much need mental and physical R&R. I need a break right now, more than I have ever needed a break. I am hoping this trip will help further the healing and understanding I have been looking for. I know going away wont solve things but maybe it can help me purge my mind of all the crap that is still just mulling about in there.

So here is to a new me, a new us and a new out look on things. I am going through changes and with a bit of work all of them will be good changes. Going forward I wont be such a crab about college, I still dont have to like it but I can at least see it in a better light. This way it wont have me in a constant funk when I have to start back in the fall. Working on my attitude will help with so many things and just having a positive out look on things will help take away self generated stress. Because most of the stress we all deal with is self induced, we are not out there fighting for food and survival, so what is the point of stressing all the little things? Just let the chips fall where they may.

In the end this is what I what my life is all about and I will fight tooth and nail to keep, protect and love:

(sorry Devon this is the only picture I have on my work computer lol)

Friday, June 04, 2010

All one needs is hope.....

I just saw the movie 'Legion', which was a great movie. But what I got out of it is that with just a simmer of hope people are willing to try to accomplish just about anything. Even if they know they might fail, hope gives us all reason to try.
I have hope, its about all I have right now. I have put down the smokes as of today, I dont want to keep that going anymore. I smoked my last one, lets see how bad things get. I know I will probably have one here or there in the future but nothing like I have been through in the past 7 days. I wont even admit to myself how much (about a pack a day since Saturday) I smoked. It is sick, and damn expensive! Even with smoking the cheapest ones I could find.
I used them to help with stress but now every time I smoke, the very fact I am smoking causes me stress. So they are done, I can control that stress and any stress I can take away I will.
I am also grateful I am on the meds I am on, they keep my mind clear and it doesnt wander off as much as it used to. I still catch myself starting up the old daydream reel, but I stop it before it gets to me. Speculation into what could be is pointless, adding scenarios into a situation of things that might never happen only brings me back to a really bad place. What happened is done with, it can not be erased and can not be forgotten. We learned a lesson from all of this and moved on, one has to learn or they will repeat it again.
I am so ready to move on but things just can not change over night, and I understand that. With nothing more than hope of a better tomorrow I move on. I can not account for what will happen from here on out and I am not going to try. When I do that I create stories in my head of all kinds of possibilities, many of them with a negative spin, and it brings me back down. I am not one to use religious quotes but sometimes we do find solace in some of the old wisdom. Help me change the things I can to make things better and help me accept those things I can not.

I find myself wanting to blog more and more, mainly because I am alone in all of this. I do have some people I could talk to, but I dont think unloading on them is what I want to do. So in the end all I have are my thoughts and my blog to set them out. This is my therapy, my friend and my comfort. I used to come here to bullshit, share pictures and make funnies; but as of late I have not been feeling humorous at all. I have not picked up my camera in almost a week, I really do not have any to share. I need to pick that back up, just not sure when I will feel like it. Moods alter everything about a person and my mood has altered me, into a state of numbness. My emotions have been on such a roller coaster lately that it seems I am building up and immunity to it.
I dont know where I want to go with this post, my life or my feelings. I am just laying them and and letting go, let everything just fall where they may and live. Losing all control and just letting go is where I am at, I am not saying I am going to go crazy eating or drinking I am just letting go of things I cannot control. They are what they are, and if everything turns out in my favor, GREAT! And if they dont then I will deal with it when it happens and not try to second guess it.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Back to square one......

I have been at odds with putting these thoughts into writing for everyone to see. I use my writing as an outlet; to purge, sort and to get a better grasp on what is going on. Many things have been going on in my life; one that I really cannt control is that we got robbed on Saturday. I took the kids to the park and on the way home I got a call from the land lord that my front door was open. He was there doing some work on the upstairs apartment and saw something that looked funny. And low and behold I now have my 'My house was robbed' story. As it turns out these guys where going door to door asking if anyone had an apartment to rent looking to see who was home. Being a holiday weekend and all, people tend to go away on vacation. I just happened to be out of the house at the time they came knocking and they went to town. They got my wife's jewelry, my cell phone, the $300 dollars I had saved for my tattoo fund, an air soft gun, my kids tv, the kids Wii and Playstion, games, movies, my DKY watch and some other things I cannt think of right now. And the fact the land lord showed up when he did is probably why they did not get more.
I have come to terms with that all they did was take stuff, they did not break stuff or wreck the place to bad. I called the cops and did all the usual things a person would do when their house gets broken into. The wife was out in CA on R&R and I had to call her and break the news. I did not want to ruin her quiet time but she needed to know what happened. At least that way she could have time to digest it all and have a clear head about it by the time she got back.
Now that alone could stress someone out to no end but that was just more added to my plate of frustration and stress. The other part stems from the wife going out to CA on her much need time away. I wont go into it here, we are just in a rough place with each other. And that is what I am going to leave it at. We are working on getting passed it but it is a fresh wound that needs time to heal.
As of now we are strangers to each other, uncomfortable silence and awkwardness has become the norm. I am not sure what more I can say about it or that I want to say more about it. It is what it is and we both know why it has happened. Break down in communication is a key factor in all of this. There are a few other things but they are neither here nor there. I have been smoking like a crack fein, and I cannt seem to stop. Any time thoughts of our current situation comes to mind the urge to suck on a coffin nail creeps up on me like demon. I wont even admit to myself how much I have smoked in the past five days, it is sicking. And I they are not helping me in the end but right now they are my crutch, one that is sometimes the only thing that helps me walk. I am in a daze, I am no longer Phil, I dont know who I am or where I am going. I have done so much sole searching in the past few days, and all I can think of is that it is time to make a changed who and what I am. I am tired of telling myself I am lost I am tired of being in pain. I am making a stand for myself, the wife and I are working things out. I have no fear of that, I just now have to work things out with myself now. Reconnect with the person who understands me, knows where I am and where I want to go. In the past 24 hours I have gotten much of that squared away.
I really dont know what more I can say about it, I usually can fire off a blog post in record timing. To the point I have to reread what I typed to fix all the errors because I was typing so fast. But this one has been a very slow and thought out post. I do not have pictures to post, I did take pictures over this past weekend but have no desire to even take out the camera to upload them. I am working the night shift to night so I really have the time to, I am just not in the mood to be bothered with it as of yet.
I have not eaten much of anything since Friday. The stress of her trip was part of the first wave and then the house getting robbed just pushed it to an all knew place. I am now forcing food down because I know I have to eat. I have lost too much weight, I stepped on the scale today and saw 198! This has to stop I dont want to lose anymore. I know it sounds strange to hear me bitch about losing weight but I feel like I am waisting away. I have to stop smoking, I have to start eating more, I have to start working out, I have to gain some normalcy in my life. So lets see about changing the things I have control of and just let those I cannt work themselves out. I have a plan to put the smokes down by next Monday. From there I plan on start working out, slowly. My lungs are very angry at me right now and I know if I try to jump back into my old routine I would probably past out in a coughing fit.
I am angry, I am hurt, I am mentally in place I could have never foreseen me being in. And I am tired of it, I am letting go of the hurt, I do not wish harm on those who robbed my place. I know they will get theirs at some point in life, that old notion of karma does exist. Believe me it DOES and when it comes back for payment, it comes back in spades. I am not angry with my wife, it is done with and we have buried it. I am softening my mind, my heart and my words. I am not going to stur the pot, it has been put to rest and dwelling on it will only bring up more pain. So in ending this personal rant, Phil that was is gone. I am not sure what is in store with this new person I am getting to know but I see good things coming. We are all putting effort into becoming what we once where, when something breaks it mends back stronger that what it was before the event. And that is how I am looking at this.
Never take things for granted, never.