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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Day two.....

Of not smoking and it only really sucks when I am at work lol. When I am home there is little desire to even think about it. But at work it gnaws at my brian and it just sucks. But I want it and this will be fixed soon. I know why I started and I have come to terms with why I continued. I have a void in me and it filled it, not the best way to deal with something but it was a temporary solution. Now I am search of filling the void again, not sure what I am going to use but I am looking for something healthier and also something that doesnt smell so bad lol. I have been looking for a while for something, not sure what but we all know how that search goes. We can never find what we want when we want it, we always find something when we arent looking or when we no longer need it. This is a notion that has been playing out in my head for a while. I am not saying I am going to stop looking but I am not going to look as hard as I have. I am just going to keep an open mind and go from there. And who knows, I start college again in September and with a new out look on it maybe something will fall in my lap then.

On a different topic I have been thinking about making my blog private. I have not had any stalker problems or troll issues but I have just been thinking about making my feelings more private. If I do I will send invites to all those I currently know just so i dont lose any of the people that have shown me so much support with what I have been going through. I am still just thinking about it, I might not do it right now it is just a thought. I have always been open to people just popping from out of no where and commenting and I dont think I want to cripple that. But anyone that has been following me can see why I am not sure I want all to open unbridled with the world seeing me......well the me that has been evolving.

Life is just a journey that sends us in all kinds of direction, most of them are not planned or exspected. I would have never thought I would be where I am now, mentally. There was a time i did see it but again things changed and went in a much better direction. But these days I just dont know, I dont know where I am going or where I want to be. There are things I am sure of, I will always be there for my kids; always. I am going back to college to finish what i should have finished years ago, I am going to reconnect with myself and become that independate person I once was. At a time all I really needed was me, and it is time I build that back up. I let that fall so far that when I had to try and get that back it was gone. One of those life lessons we learn over and over again. Never take things for granted those are the things that will let you down in the end.

It is time for coffee and no smokes, I have talked myself off that ledge numerous times today. I even try rationalizing by more for 'emergencies' but I know how I am so that really isnt an option. Today is Friday, nothing really planned for the weekend just going to go with whatever comes around. I am trying not to plan soo much and over think the future. Whatever it will be is what....well, what it will be.

The wife has been watching the World Cup, and me not being much of a sports fan has not really put too much time into it. But her country did beat South Africa the other day. So we took this picture of Seth (with his summer mohawk) and her wearing their jerseys in celebration. I dont know much about the World Cup but it will take a long time before we get to the last and final game to find out who will be the World Cup Champions.



*Warning I am about to pour some personal shit out here*

-I thought I was done with what I wanted to type out but it seems there is something that I want to get out. I was not to sure about airing it out here but as of now I feel I want to:

About a week ago we decided we are going to 'separate' and just keep it to ourselves about it. We just wanted to, I guess, give a name to what or where we are now. Our original notion not to tell people came from the idea I know what people think when they hear that someone is separated and that is not what we are. No one is moving out, we still sleep in the same bed, have diner as a family and do all the stuff we used to do. It is just where we are mentally right now. And in all honesty we have been 'separated' for sometime now. But what started another round of fighting this past Monday she told her internet friend from CA the day after we had this discussion about it. I do feel I was in the right in what I wanted to talk about, in the sense we said we were going to do one thing and she-again-did another.
But in the end we were back to pointing fingers and arguing about the same stuff. Getting off track and going into areas that had already been discussed. I did find something about myself in this argument. I just went on and on, to the point I just did not know how to end it or where it left us. It end with us at odds with each other and me going out and buying more smokes. And like I said I felt justified in starting it but what I found out about me is that I tend to fall off track and just rub it in over and over again. Looking back with rational eyes I see that I need to work on how I approach something like this. I know where I am with this and see how I get. I am going to try something new, I am big on writing so that is what I am going to do. If there is something I want to talk about I am going to put it in writing and send it to her. An email or the old fashioned hand written note. This way I can keep myself in check and make sure I can get out what I want and nothing more. I dont want to come to verbal blows again and back in the same place where I dont know where to end and with no real way out. On Monday I was almost on the out for good with this. I wont sugar coat it in way, but we were able to come down off the ledge we had gotten ourselves back on to.
As of today things are better and back to where they were before Monday. I cannt get much out of her because she says she is confused to what she wants and I am confused to where I am with all of this. People change, for the good or the bad. And even if it is for the bad fighting about will only make it worse and I am tired of fighting. I am just going to let things lie for the time being and move on with myself. Staying the course of what I want to do with my life, with hope she will be there with me. She is the only woman I want in my life but I cannt make her want me the same. My actions of late have not helped the situation so I am working on not putting more stress in a place it is not needed. I told her i will give her time and try not to pester her about where she is but I also told her I am not going to wait forever. At some point I will check out and move on, I have already checked out some what. I had to, pouring all my emotion into one person has really put a hurt on me in a way i would never wish onto another person. I have not given up on hope, I will hold on as long as I can and be patient with all of this. It will take time and I cannt rush this, no matter how much I want to I cannt be pushy with the place we are in now.
I was not sure I wanted to air this out, but in the end I am glad I did. One more thing that is not festering in me, history tells me when I let things fester it ends in a very ugly place. I am not even sure how to stop with this post, there is just so much going on in me I cannt seem to figure it out on my own. But this is the best therapy I have at the moment. I am going to see a friend that is a family counselor, on the side nothing official just someone to give me something with outside eyes. I hope to see him this weekend or early next week, I have to wait until all of his nut cases have been taken care of first lol.

8 comments:

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Woohoo wtg on day 2!! Keep it up! Have you tried gum and or sunflower seeds?

Well you guys must not be hating eachother too much since your are still sleeping in the same bed ;) although if it's a king like ours you can definitly sleep all night without touching at all.

Only advice I have is try to shower her with attention. If she's anythig like me she'll eat it up :)

Breigh said...

Sounds like you are under a lot of stress at the moment, so kudos to you on day 2 :) I do hope you are able to keep it up but I think it's like giving anything up (or like my dieting) if you slip, don't beat yourself up about it just pick yourself up and start over. If you can keep doing that, you'll get there in the end.

As for the separation, I'm sorry to hear about that but it sounds like you two are at least trying to communicate and figure things out. That's a good sign one way or the other.

Remember, I'm always around for chatting / venting :) Oh and pls do send me an invite if you go private :)

Becky said...

I used blow pops for the oral fixation part of quitting.

Healing from arguments is the hardest part, sex always helps my marriage, lol. We fight, we do it, and we are fine again.

Carie said...

Congrats on day 2, Ken told me the hardest part was on the second day...he used the patch and gum, alot of gum lol

Ken and I have been on that ledge, been up and down, alls I know is I wish he had written me notes to let me know how he felt...it sounds like a great idea, I tend to open up way more in my writing than in person...good luck :)

~Sheila~ said...

Hey man, good job on it being day 2. I know it's got to be hard to quit a habit that you've had for EVER. I used to smoke but quit one night after I realized I smoked a whole pack in just a few hours. Made me S-I-C-K. That was the end of that.

I'm sorry to hear about your "separation". Communication is the problem most of the time. Not that you aren't saying what you want to say ...it's usually HOW we say it.
We're working on that too.

We'll be up in NY in about a week.

I'll be praying for you and your fight to keep everything together.

Douglas said...

hey phil.. its doug.. you need some time off.. you still coming down here right? i see you posted something about going to see a family counselor this weekend.. so are you comming down.. c'mon man you need a little r & r!

Martini said...

Separating is not always a stressful or bad thing. My sister has never been happier since she split with her husband. But it doesn't always have to end in divorce. My uncle separated from my aunt a few years ago. He lived with another woman for a long time, but because she was half his age, they were not in the same places in life. Eventually my aunt and uncle missed each other so much they got back together and things have never been better. Your happiness matters man! Do what makes you happy.

Hammy said...

I understand that you don't want the nutcases in the world commenting and seeing your guts spilled. But you're doing a good job of clearing the air. Hang in there.