I just saw the movie 'Legion', which was a great movie. But what I got out of it is that with just a simmer of hope people are willing to try to accomplish just about anything. Even if they know they might fail, hope gives us all reason to try.
I have hope, its about all I have right now. I have put down the smokes as of today, I dont want to keep that going anymore. I smoked my last one, lets see how bad things get. I know I will probably have one here or there in the future but nothing like I have been through in the past 7 days. I wont even admit to myself how much (about a pack a day since Saturday) I smoked. It is sick, and damn expensive! Even with smoking the cheapest ones I could find.
I used them to help with stress but now every time I smoke, the very fact I am smoking causes me stress. So they are done, I can control that stress and any stress I can take away I will.
I am also grateful I am on the meds I am on, they keep my mind clear and it doesnt wander off as much as it used to. I still catch myself starting up the old daydream reel, but I stop it before it gets to me. Speculation into what could be is pointless, adding scenarios into a situation of things that might never happen only brings me back to a really bad place. What happened is done with, it can not be erased and can not be forgotten. We learned a lesson from all of this and moved on, one has to learn or they will repeat it again.
I am so ready to move on but things just can not change over night, and I understand that. With nothing more than hope of a better tomorrow I move on. I can not account for what will happen from here on out and I am not going to try. When I do that I create stories in my head of all kinds of possibilities, many of them with a negative spin, and it brings me back down. I am not one to use religious quotes but sometimes we do find solace in some of the old wisdom. Help me change the things I can to make things better and help me accept those things I can not.
I find myself wanting to blog more and more, mainly because I am alone in all of this. I do have some people I could talk to, but I dont think unloading on them is what I want to do. So in the end all I have are my thoughts and my blog to set them out. This is my therapy, my friend and my comfort. I used to come here to bullshit, share pictures and make funnies; but as of late I have not been feeling humorous at all. I have not picked up my camera in almost a week, I really do not have any to share. I need to pick that back up, just not sure when I will feel like it. Moods alter everything about a person and my mood has altered me, into a state of numbness. My emotions have been on such a roller coaster lately that it seems I am building up and immunity to it.
I dont know where I want to go with this post, my life or my feelings. I am just laying them and and letting go, let everything just fall where they may and live. Losing all control and just letting go is where I am at, I am not saying I am going to go crazy eating or drinking I am just letting go of things I cannot control. They are what they are, and if everything turns out in my favor, GREAT! And if they dont then I will deal with it when it happens and not try to second guess it.