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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Friday, June 04, 2010

All one needs is hope.....

I just saw the movie 'Legion', which was a great movie. But what I got out of it is that with just a simmer of hope people are willing to try to accomplish just about anything. Even if they know they might fail, hope gives us all reason to try.
I have hope, its about all I have right now. I have put down the smokes as of today, I dont want to keep that going anymore. I smoked my last one, lets see how bad things get. I know I will probably have one here or there in the future but nothing like I have been through in the past 7 days. I wont even admit to myself how much (about a pack a day since Saturday) I smoked. It is sick, and damn expensive! Even with smoking the cheapest ones I could find.
I used them to help with stress but now every time I smoke, the very fact I am smoking causes me stress. So they are done, I can control that stress and any stress I can take away I will.
I am also grateful I am on the meds I am on, they keep my mind clear and it doesnt wander off as much as it used to. I still catch myself starting up the old daydream reel, but I stop it before it gets to me. Speculation into what could be is pointless, adding scenarios into a situation of things that might never happen only brings me back to a really bad place. What happened is done with, it can not be erased and can not be forgotten. We learned a lesson from all of this and moved on, one has to learn or they will repeat it again.
I am so ready to move on but things just can not change over night, and I understand that. With nothing more than hope of a better tomorrow I move on. I can not account for what will happen from here on out and I am not going to try. When I do that I create stories in my head of all kinds of possibilities, many of them with a negative spin, and it brings me back down. I am not one to use religious quotes but sometimes we do find solace in some of the old wisdom. Help me change the things I can to make things better and help me accept those things I can not.

I find myself wanting to blog more and more, mainly because I am alone in all of this. I do have some people I could talk to, but I dont think unloading on them is what I want to do. So in the end all I have are my thoughts and my blog to set them out. This is my therapy, my friend and my comfort. I used to come here to bullshit, share pictures and make funnies; but as of late I have not been feeling humorous at all. I have not picked up my camera in almost a week, I really do not have any to share. I need to pick that back up, just not sure when I will feel like it. Moods alter everything about a person and my mood has altered me, into a state of numbness. My emotions have been on such a roller coaster lately that it seems I am building up and immunity to it.
I dont know where I want to go with this post, my life or my feelings. I am just laying them and and letting go, let everything just fall where they may and live. Losing all control and just letting go is where I am at, I am not saying I am going to go crazy eating or drinking I am just letting go of things I cannot control. They are what they are, and if everything turns out in my favor, GREAT! And if they dont then I will deal with it when it happens and not try to second guess it.


Mom Taxi Julie said...

You sound so sad and depressed :( I hope things start looking up for you soon!

honkeie2 said...

Thanks, me too.

Steph said...

typing out feelings, even if they are random and scattered... helps... :)

Princess Pessimism said...

You do sound depressed - ive been a counsellor for 13 years...I know you dont want to unload - but if you want to talk, ever, im around, and i'll send you my email address.

Becky said...

I wish my blog were still a venting place. It sort of is but I have to be discrete as some people from real life have found it and it sucks! I have an image to uphold as a Secretary of my local Republican party. BLAH! Maybe I will make another blog and be secretive about it. I would forward it to you if I did though.