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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Back to square one......

I have been at odds with putting these thoughts into writing for everyone to see. I use my writing as an outlet; to purge, sort and to get a better grasp on what is going on. Many things have been going on in my life; one that I really cannt control is that we got robbed on Saturday. I took the kids to the park and on the way home I got a call from the land lord that my front door was open. He was there doing some work on the upstairs apartment and saw something that looked funny. And low and behold I now have my 'My house was robbed' story. As it turns out these guys where going door to door asking if anyone had an apartment to rent looking to see who was home. Being a holiday weekend and all, people tend to go away on vacation. I just happened to be out of the house at the time they came knocking and they went to town. They got my wife's jewelry, my cell phone, the $300 dollars I had saved for my tattoo fund, an air soft gun, my kids tv, the kids Wii and Playstion, games, movies, my DKY watch and some other things I cannt think of right now. And the fact the land lord showed up when he did is probably why they did not get more.
I have come to terms with that all they did was take stuff, they did not break stuff or wreck the place to bad. I called the cops and did all the usual things a person would do when their house gets broken into. The wife was out in CA on R&R and I had to call her and break the news. I did not want to ruin her quiet time but she needed to know what happened. At least that way she could have time to digest it all and have a clear head about it by the time she got back.
Now that alone could stress someone out to no end but that was just more added to my plate of frustration and stress. The other part stems from the wife going out to CA on her much need time away. I wont go into it here, we are just in a rough place with each other. And that is what I am going to leave it at. We are working on getting passed it but it is a fresh wound that needs time to heal.
As of now we are strangers to each other, uncomfortable silence and awkwardness has become the norm. I am not sure what more I can say about it or that I want to say more about it. It is what it is and we both know why it has happened. Break down in communication is a key factor in all of this. There are a few other things but they are neither here nor there. I have been smoking like a crack fein, and I cannt seem to stop. Any time thoughts of our current situation comes to mind the urge to suck on a coffin nail creeps up on me like demon. I wont even admit to myself how much I have smoked in the past five days, it is sicking. And I they are not helping me in the end but right now they are my crutch, one that is sometimes the only thing that helps me walk. I am in a daze, I am no longer Phil, I dont know who I am or where I am going. I have done so much sole searching in the past few days, and all I can think of is that it is time to make a changed who and what I am. I am tired of telling myself I am lost I am tired of being in pain. I am making a stand for myself, the wife and I are working things out. I have no fear of that, I just now have to work things out with myself now. Reconnect with the person who understands me, knows where I am and where I want to go. In the past 24 hours I have gotten much of that squared away.
I really dont know what more I can say about it, I usually can fire off a blog post in record timing. To the point I have to reread what I typed to fix all the errors because I was typing so fast. But this one has been a very slow and thought out post. I do not have pictures to post, I did take pictures over this past weekend but have no desire to even take out the camera to upload them. I am working the night shift to night so I really have the time to, I am just not in the mood to be bothered with it as of yet.
I have not eaten much of anything since Friday. The stress of her trip was part of the first wave and then the house getting robbed just pushed it to an all knew place. I am now forcing food down because I know I have to eat. I have lost too much weight, I stepped on the scale today and saw 198! This has to stop I dont want to lose anymore. I know it sounds strange to hear me bitch about losing weight but I feel like I am waisting away. I have to stop smoking, I have to start eating more, I have to start working out, I have to gain some normalcy in my life. So lets see about changing the things I have control of and just let those I cannt work themselves out. I have a plan to put the smokes down by next Monday. From there I plan on start working out, slowly. My lungs are very angry at me right now and I know if I try to jump back into my old routine I would probably past out in a coughing fit.
I am angry, I am hurt, I am mentally in place I could have never foreseen me being in. And I am tired of it, I am letting go of the hurt, I do not wish harm on those who robbed my place. I know they will get theirs at some point in life, that old notion of karma does exist. Believe me it DOES and when it comes back for payment, it comes back in spades. I am not angry with my wife, it is done with and we have buried it. I am softening my mind, my heart and my words. I am not going to stur the pot, it has been put to rest and dwelling on it will only bring up more pain. So in ending this personal rant, Phil that was is gone. I am not sure what is in store with this new person I am getting to know but I see good things coming. We are all putting effort into becoming what we once where, when something breaks it mends back stronger that what it was before the event. And that is how I am looking at this.
Never take things for granted, never.


Steph said...

I'm sorry man.... :(

Hang in there. (everytime I say that, I imagine that kitten dangling from a tree limb poster...)

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Ugh it's a vicious roller coaster isn't it! My husband and I were just there last month and I was seriously DONE. You just get to a point where you are so emotionally drained you almost can't even function. I finally lost it and just told him to leave! Just go! But he wouldn't leave and has been putting in more effort to act like he wants to be married and have a family. BUT I doubt it will last, which sucks, because it's so nice when the effort is being made.

I'm so sorry your house got broken into. My moms house got robbed a couple years ago. Just remember they always come back to rob you again when they think you've replaced everything.

~Sheila~ said...

I'm sorry all of this is happening to you new Phil. I was burglarized a few years back when we bought our first house. I couldnt take it and moved out after a week and put the house back on the market. The house went into forclosure but there was no way I could stay there.
I took it as a sign to start over and make things new. It was the best decision I ever made. I was able to go back to school and create a career for myself and I knew if we stayed in the house, it would never have happened. Don't think of this as a disaster. It's a chance for a new beginning and an even better chance NOT to take things for granted.
Love your life and the people in them...not the THINGS!

Hang in there Boones Buddy!

Becky said...

That is just nuts that you were robbed. I can't imagine!

The joys of marriage. You are so right when you say "things break and mend back stronger." With all my back pain nonsense it has made my husband and I fight, but in the end is making our relationship stronger.

Communication truly is key in a lasting relationship. If we care about the endurance of our relationship we can't give up on being honest with our partner. If and when we throw honesty out the window the relationship is sure to follow, even if it takes years.

Angel said...

I hate getting the point you're at, but we all do it. I know it seems like a big circle of..stop smoking so I can be healthy, so then I can think straight, so then I can work on my bigger problems, or should you work on the bigger problems, so you can be mentally healthy enough to stop smoking. BLECH..but it sounds like you are on the right track. It doesnt matter where you start, it's all about making baby step changes rather than sitting there and dwelling. Giant hugs to you man, and I'm sorry you're so down on your luck. <3