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About Me

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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Not so happy Friday ppls....

I have a really bad stomache virus and hav been up all night on the bowl. It started about 7pm last night and just kept on going till now. The last time I ate anything was 6:30pm yesterday, and for those of you who know me this is a feat in itself. I have now gone just about 14 hours without eating, I think I am going to die! The only thing I am willing to try and put in me is some tea with lemon, which I am sipping on slowwwwly right now. But besides that I am doing ok.

Yesterday I was asked to show some buns, Cherrie has this werid obsession with men and their hinnies, so I just thought I would show some. I have seen allot of boobie for HNT and have never shown anything on the same playing field in return. I am not about to do a Mike because I am not in the shape I want to be in yet. Give me another 4 weeks and I think I might do one like that ;-). Now for all the dudes out there that do like man butt please dont scroll down in farther, and Sharon if you are reading this stop right now because you will be blinded. (ps-Sharon is my sister in law)
You Have Been Warned:

And just for the record I dont like my butt, its too flat.

I had to take this pic a few times, i was not aware how well one can see through this glass.....there are some things I just wont share with anyone else. Besides the wife has exculsive rights to that area only hahaha.

Now in the same area of thought I thought I would go and look up some funny Butt pics for this fridays addition of Friday Funnies. After trolling around this is what I came up with:

I am not sure if this means she likes it in her 'exit' or is she just pointing out where it is?

When exercise cloths go oh so very wrong

And one for the guys ......sorry I had to burn your eyes like that but I hope this big bottom hoochie helps a little. Now that is a butt one could get lost in for days, just as her thong can atest to.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Happy HNT

Not much happened yesterday, thank goodness. It was a nice quiet night with only a few misshaps here and there.
I went to the gym after work and saw something funny. There is this woman who is 20 from the neck down but from the neck up is very 50ish. Now dont get me wrong she tone and in shape but her face looks very weathered and beaten by time and definatley the sun(not that she isnt doable, just that one would have to hit that from behind) Now she wears things that just scream LOOK AT THIS PART OF MY BODY, like spandex shorts that are so tight that it is IN her butt. There is no was she is wearing any underwear, when she bends over she doesnt bend at the knee and one can see all her womanly glory, if one were to look. And yes i looked! Hell if you are going to put on a show I will watch damn it. I do try not to look at the cutie ones that seem very self contous about themselves, even though they are better looking than most attention whores lol. But you come to the guy in black tights that are in a permanate wegie, a tiny black top that shows off a set of abs Brad Pitt would be jealous of and make up that would make Tammy Fay blush-for real- and I will be looking. And dont give me that" What are looking at" attitude, you came to the gym for attention that only whores got it. I love attention whores haha.

Now on to my HNT, it was inspired from the newspaper. I took one picture but thought the second was better and more fitting. So I will post both and you let me know if maybe i should have taken another one..............

Picture one:

Picture two:

I was thinking of taking another and putting "My Lizard" under the title but I do not think pulling out the center of mens joy at work was a good idea. And besides I am still a little shy about that....but i have been thinking about a good HumpBack pic.

Maybe something along this line but we shall see. Anyone got any butter?
(by the way that isnt me lol)

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Happy Hump Day

Happy Hump Day ppl. I hope yalls week has been going fast but fun. And if life has become borning and mundane I would strongly advise you to have kids. There is never a dull moment when you have kids. Last night something happened that I so wanted to show in pictures but I think I would have lost readers on this one. Let me desricbe it instead, that is bad enough in my book. The evil midget that lives in our house is pretty much house broken and even goes on the big boy potty without any help and even knows to flush when he is done. But he is blissfully unaware of a few things we as adults have learned. Like: how to clinch the when the turle head has gotten to close to the cotton. Well let me tell you, last night was one of his first times with Mr. Turtle vs The Baby. He came to me to tell me he had to potty, no biggie but during the process of pulling his pants down and getting him on the bowl the turtle attacked. I think it all started with a small wee man fart but what it end up as the baby turning into a chocolate icecream machine on soft serve. I kid you not on what it looked like, it was perfectly chocolate brown and very creamy looking. The moment I noticed this hersey highway pill up I turned off the old sense of smell. It is a trick I learned from years of eating at the Y, once you get passed the smell you got it licked! So the smell was never an issue for me becasue I never smell it but the idea of having to pick this shit up was almost tooo much for me. But I now know I am more man than I ever thought I was. After I got him cleaned up and in the bath I proceeded to clean up the toxic spill, I kept telling myself, "Its only MUD, Its only MUD!" and you know what? worked! I got it all cleaned up, including the drunken midget without getting sick. So you see, if you need a little spice in your life have a kid and they will give u excitment that James Bond could never compair to.

Now for something completly different: I was looking up beer in photobucket and I thought I would share some of the gems that I found. I have not had any beer in over two weeks and I miss it, but I will not miss the gut it has brought. It is no where near beer gut but its enuogh for me to put the beer down for a moment to get rid of it. I will save it up for next winter lol.

This is soooo me, I love to fuck with ppl after they pass out haha!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Do you know Page?

I was trolling through the internet as I usually do looking for porn and I was reconnected with one of the women I give credit to my love of panty hose......well cannt forget one of my first dirty mags was "Leg Show"....her name is Bettie Page. I dont care if you dont dig women the way I do but you have to admit she was one hot pin-up girl. She had legs one could chew on for days and a but that could cause men to murder.

God...just looking at that pics makes me wish I could just take a bite out of that apple hmmmmmm. I did a little research to see if she was still around and it turns out she israther hidden from the public eye and has refused to have any photos taken of her, she said she perfers to have ppl remeber how she was and not how she looks now. But I beg to differ, no matter what she looks like now she will always look like this to me:

We all age and change in ways we would perfer not to think about but it happens to us all. She was one hell of a playmate but she was still a person I would have loved to have met. But she is a bit older than me, hell one of her first photo shoots was back in 1951. Just to put a date to things here and I was born in 1976......but hot damn.....I would have climbed out of my crib to get at dem tiggle bitties!

One of the reasons that ppl give for her disapearance in the pin-up scene was religous reasons. It seems that she married some wack job of man and she ended her career as a modle. Another one killed in the name of an imaginary friend...what a shame I would have loved to seen her in more than pictures.....if ya know what I mean haha. She was hotter than hell.

She is a woman that was said to have one of the most perfect figures of her time. That must have been one hell of thing to live up to year after year. It was and still is very true, few pin-ups have her shape or look. There have been a few but most of the women in main stream mags are to damn skinny. But as age took its toll so did her fame of having the famed body, things happen as I said and we cannt live up to what the public wants. I did find a resent pic of her and I still stand by what I said before.....she is older but she is still the same woman I cranked my teenage shaft of to in those black and white photos I had.

Not saying I have anything agaist the other two women in that pic but if I were to screw Anna Nicole I would have to duct tape her mouth shut.....that womans voice could sour mild in one sentence and kill an erection brought on by a bottle of Viagra.

I think that I need a little me time now after all this research I have done. It has brought my beast to his fullest attention and one must answer when the devil calls. To bad I cannt take my computer into the bathroom with me haha. Does anyone know any good Bettie Page look-a-likes? And they better not be transvestites, so help me GOD if someone sends me a link with a Page look-a-like and its a dude! I will hunt you down and chew out your gall bladder thorugh your belly button. With that said I hope everyone is have just as a good day as I am.....:-D

Monday, March 27, 2006

Tits Monday oh boy.....

It is Monday again......oh fucking joy!
But lucky for me I had a nice relaxing weekend, but the wife had a bit of rough ride though. She had a wicked stomache ache and ended up vomiting up some nasty shit. She went to a baby shower (not hers) on Sunday and she blames it on something she ate there. But she is doing better now, still a bit off but much better than last night.
On Saturday me and little monsters went outside and lit up......some smoke bombs haha. We live in NJ and all fireworks are illigeal, which is a bunch of buttshit if u ask me. But smoke bombs are not considered fireworks....they dont exsplode- which equals a gay cracker. But the boys thought these things were the most amazing things in the word.

Here we have contraband at its gay-est....

Up close and personal with my smoking balls.

Tit was a bit nippley so I decided to start a little fire in our Texas smoker. And for those of you who have no idea what a Texas Smoker is: It is where some crazy redneck takes an old steel drum of some kind and turns it into a barbq grill. I love this thing but I would love one the is rust prove, I think someday I will come down with tetnius from this damn thing lol.

Boy are my balls blue....

Attack the smoking ball attack!

Ancient ninja skills brought home to the suburbs.

This one is call "Squat and fart yellow steam of death move"

I love making fires and playing with matchs, it is a love afair I have had since I first learned that airplane glue is flammable back when I was 7. But this is a love that can hurt at times....'Love hurts, love stings....' But no matter how many times this mistress gets me I keep coming back for more. Here we have a perfect example of why not to try and pick up wood that has been in the embers for even a second.

Not much happened the rest of the week, but this is my second week of being sober. Not that I am going the dry high ground its just I am giving my liver a rest. Doug will be home soon and I know what that will intail, Navy men drink.....nuff said. I have beer in the frig and I didnt touch any of them, now if that isnt will power I dont know what will power is lol.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Tits Friday Bitchs and I Have Been tagged!

I was tagged by Cherrie and I just thought it would be fun to do something a little different. It is a little insight into the world that is Honkeie!

Accent: I was born in San Antonio, TX and lived in AL and LA until I was I had one but it is long since lost. But one can still hear it a little after about 4 shots haha.

Booze of Choice: Normally it would be Coors Light but its the weight loss season so right now nothing but shots.....less is more at times .

Chore I hate: I HATE yard work I HATE yard work. There is nothing I hate more than YARD WORK!

Dog or Cat: I have kids....who needs pets

Essential Electronics: It is only essential because on my job I am the senior supervisors so I am on call 24/7----you guessed it Cell Phone. If were not for my job an essential electronic would have to be my computer. Internet People, cum on!

Favorite Perfume: Sunflowers.......god just the thought of it oooohhhhh!

Gold or Silver: White gold

Hometown: I have moved so much throughout my life I dont have one. I currently live in Hillside NJ.

Insomnia: I have had boughts of insomnia because of working 16 hour days and other stuff. And I feel for those who truely suffer from it. Nothing a booze induced sleep cannt cure haha.

Job Title: Senior Supervisor

Kids: 0ne bun in the oven, 3 year old boy and a 10 year old boy

Living Arrangments: I live in the state of confusion....enough said

Most Admired Trait: This one is a tough one, I really dont know if there is anything admirable about me. I gues it would be the fact almost all I do I do for my family and they always are on my mind.

# of Sexual Partners: I had to think about this one blow jobs count? Just kidding, my grand total is - 6

Over Night Hospital stays: Nope

Phobia: Bugs, I hate most crawly things. It isnt a real phobia, I can deal with them if I have to but I perfer not to.

Quote: " We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." ---If you know who said this you too have been touched by greatness.

Religion: I have a rant that I am working on that covers this, but in short--There is a God and boy is he pissed. We pary to saints everytime we lose something or someone is ill. Ppl, even that good book you thump on says not to put anyone before Him.....then why pray to anyone but Him for anything. Religion will be the down fall of man.

Siblings: One brother, 4 years younger.

Time I wake up: Around "Its to fucking ealry" and " Fuck this shit I am going back to bed for another 10 minutes, I can skip the shower today."

Unusual Skill: I can eat a peach for an hour... ;-)

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: I cannt think of any veggie I wont eat but I can think of one thing I refuse to eat...Lentils-I Hate Lentils, they are nasty dirty hippie food!

Worst Habit: Farting in publik. I still think its one of the funniest things in the world.

Xrays: Both ankles, left wrist and thats about it there.

Yummy Food I Can Make: I make one of the best grilled cheese sandwichs out there. I only like the ones I make :-D Yum

That is enuff of that haha. I am tired, my wrist feel like they have been on a masterbation marathon so lets give them a break and end this post with the usual:

Moment of Zen:

"Click here because blog is being a bitch"

Never Take life to serious, its all one big joke away.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Well Happy HNT but for me it is more like Half Asleep Thursday. I have not been getting enough sleep lately and it is really kicking my ass now. Part of the reason is I do not go to be early enough and second I am on call 24/7 and most of the calls I get are between midnight and 5 in the morning. I dont get them all the time but when I do it puts a real world of hurt on me for that day. I am tired, cranky, annoyed and just not my normal self. I hate feeling like this, its like I can see and hear what I am doing but I have no control of myself. I can hear are the craby things coming out of my mouth but will power alone can not seem to keep it at bay. Its almost as if i want everyone to feel as PMSie as I do. I am on coffee #2 and feel no better, I think I just need to go take a nap somewhere. But the only place safe around here to take a nap is on the toilet, and sleeping on the john is not the kinda nap I want.
So i will end this post with a couple of picture that show just how I feel today. So Happy HNT I hope everyone else is more awake than I am...........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I feel asleep with hair and look at what was awaiting me in the mirror when I woke up.

I was so tired this morning the razor attacked me and I was only capable of using my face to shield myself. I would not recomend shaving with your eyes have glues shut with sleepy dust.

"Wake me before you go go"

Moment of Zen: when sleep goes bad!

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Happy Hump Day

I was trolling through photobucket today looking for pictures for hump day and here is a sample of what I found. Now since nothing has happened since yesterday I have to troll around in the mudd to find something worth posting haha:

1) I like this one hahahaahhaahhahahh

2) I have no idea but it was labled as 'hump'

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3) I watched this thing for about 10 mintues straight before I was able to look away haha

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4) Barbie and Ken are going to start a fire in their happy Malibu home!

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5) One for the guys...

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6) One for the ladies...
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7) and one for the freaks....
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8) and one last one....for the video geeks out there:
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I hope this little funny has helped everyone on HumpDay, and if it has not got to and search the word "hump" and I am sure you will not be disappointed.
Now for something completly different.....

Moment of Zen:

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

"I am not a smart man."

A line made famous by Forest Gump by applies to me at the moment. Last night I was feeling a little sluggish so I decided to make myself a double exsprsso at home. The first one went off with out a problem but the second one casued a bit of a problem. Now if you will look at 'Exibit A' notice the left side of the stove. There are two burners one can turn on, on the front burner I had my little coffee maker and sitting on the back one was a bottle of corn oil. It only had about 2 cups left in it, which was my saving grace this time.

Exibit A- the after clean up.

I turned on the back burner with the bottle of oil and not the front one and went to eat my food. After a few minutes I smell something strange, but a very familiar strange smell one can find in any trailer park or the ghetto when you are standing by the 24 hour chicken shack. As I look over I see the bottle of oil getting smaller......and the stove slowly being covered in oil. I jumped up faster than a straight guy suddenly realizing he had just sat down in a gay bar.
And as you can see by 'Exibit B' this was what I got when I lifted it of the burner.

Exibit B-

I grabbed about a roll and a half of paper towels to try to keep the oil spill contained, Juan Valdez could have used this method and saved himself a world of hurt. Between myself and my sister in law Sharron we get the spill cleaned up with only killing one seagull and two sea otters. Maybe we should go into the oil spill clean up buisness, we just beat the best record ever for an oil clean up.
The end result of the clean up can be seen in 'Exibit A' and 'Exibit C'

Exibit C-

If you get the Juan Valdez joke I can easily assume that I can legally sleep with you and not have to worry about hiring Wacko Jacko's lawyers. And in sleeping with you I mean it in the way Jacko ment it-- bajamas, California King bed, monkies, and bottles and bottles of Jesus juice!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Honkeie = Adult

-This weekend was a very productive and very adult( in the responsible sense lol). Lets make note of the biggest adult thing I did: We had our finacial advisor over the house to talk about seting up mutal funds and more little hide-aways for our money so that when we retire we will have money waiting for us. We have mutal funds, 401k( we both have our own), college funds for the baby, and life insurance. We have whats called a nest egg now, its not big yet but we are still young enough to build it up. I advise everyone out there to go and do the same, if nothing open a 401K, because if you think the government will take care of you when you are old you will be in for a sad suprise. Most people think that they cannt afford to do something for the future but the funny things is do you think you will be able to afford it when you are old eating cat food working at McDonalds for McMinimum wages? I persoanlly do now want to be poor when I am old and not able to work as I do now. Hell, I want to be the old guy on the cruise harassing the help haha. So now I have set my future in motion and with a little bit of luck I will be set for old age. And I also know it might fail and I will end up just as broke as Mike Tyson, but if I do nothing there is no chance or hope for anything. At least now I have a chance at staying afloat and not just sinking straight to the bottom.
-The next thing that makes me more adult......I was sober all weekend hahaha. St.Patties day and all I didnt drink anything.First, I just didnt feel like it and secondly I am on an excersise program for the up comming summer. Beer has never been a friend of the flat stomache :P
-The baby did his usual by making it interesting though. He has this fasination with peanut butter and wants nothing but it. On Saturday we heard him calling...."Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter" So I told him to hold on a minute, well..... after a few minutes it became quiet, to quiet.....the wife went to investigate. What found cause for much hidden laughter and a bath. He some how got on top of the frig and got the peanut butter down himself and open it. He then proceded to sit in front of the tv in the den and use his hands as a spoon. When the wife found him he was elbow deep(no joking) in the jar. It could have been worse but whenever the wife does the " OH MY GOD! Will You COme Down Here and See What YOUR Son Did!" I am always interested in what I am going to find as I turn each corner. LOL
Here is a picture of the end result of the PB incedent..................

I was going to save this for HNT but it was just too funny to hold on to hahahaahaha. Notice the eyes never left his game. He loves car racing games, he has not mastered the art of steering yet but going straight really fast and crashing-- he is a pro!

Hope everyone had one hell of a hang over on Saturday, please share any drunkin stories with me. I love drunks, they have the best stories!

Friday, March 17, 2006

Its Friday and happy st patties day!

Well happy St. Patrick's Day people! It is not much of a holiday form me mainly because I am not Irish enough to bother, and hell I dont need a holiday to justify my alcoholic weekend tendicies. Any day that ends in Y is good enough of a reason for me haha.
Now as we all saw yesterday what my hair looked like......well yesterday I got a hair cut. Cut then all actually, it looks like the high and tight marine recruit hair style lol. I will give yall a pic soon, I forgot my camera at home so ya will have to wait. It seems I get a hair cut every 4 months, I think I will try to keep it a little neatier for now on. That hair was a mess lol.

But lets see what kinda funnies I have found for this instalment of Friday's Funnies:

1) Dance fat man dance!

2) I think clowns are sexy!

3) When did this seem like a good idea?!

4) Sometimes too much of a good thing is TOO MUCH!

5) ..........................

6) Rules to live by!

7) I love drunks, they take the best pictures.

8) This is who you are calling when you call for tech support at IBM.

9) You and me baby anit nothin but mamals.......

10) Why I love beer.

Not that things are warming up the excersie is getting serious. Light weights, high reps and low food intake. I am not liking the low food intake part but my gut will thank me. With the thoughts of soon to be summer fun here is the Moment of Zen: