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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Moving on....

Moving on in the right direction is about all I can say about all that has happened. We are working towards a better tomorrow and making the most of today. I am working on putting down the smokes once and for all, it isnt easy but it isnt something I want to continue. I have talked to her about my smoking and she cannt see how someone who quit so long ago is now having such a problem with putting the down again. And in all honesty explaining that to someone who has never been there is really hard. I am not going to try and make her understand, you cannt make someone understand something like that. I am on my own a bit with this nasty habit but I know it is something I want to do, and that alone is step one.

Where I am with all of this is now an interesting topic. I am past the anger, the fighting, the finger pointing and the rehashing of what happened. With all of the things that has happened I have finally been able to see it from her point of view and make peace within myself about it. I was making things worse by taking what happened by putting myself there and saying, 'Well, i would have done this' and 'I would have not done this' that was one thing that was keeping me from moving forward. But once that dawned on me I had to put the breaks on it and just understand where she was at why things went down the way they did. I am not going to lay out all the things that brought us to where we are because it isnt necessary. The thing about it all is that we grew apart, we have been slowly pulling away from each other that by the time it came to a head it was almost impossible to see how it happened. Lack of communication, understanding of the other person, and just getting to wrapped up in what we were doing that we lost each other in the process. Hope is not lost, all I have to do is be patient with all of this. Which is hard because we all want things to just get better, NOW. But it cannt and it wont. I do not want to go back to the way things were, I want to move into a new direction and be in an even better place than that.

I cannt say what the future holds and I wont even try to, looking too hard into things was part of my down fall. We live and we learn and rebuild stronger than when we started. If something is worth fixing then the effort put into it will make the out come soo much better. And in the end if it does not work at least we cannt say we didnt try or that it failed because of the same problems from the beginning. I have become some what numb to the situation just because I am a bit burnt out from this roller coaster I have been on. I am not saying I dont care or that I am emotionless to what is going on, it is just my mind has just gone into repair mode I guess. Making peace with everything and just getting into the mind set of being patient has brought me here.

The summer is about to begin, and many of the things that have put such pressure on us is winding down. I am looking forward to the months coming up, I am going to Florida in 2 weeks for some much need mental and physical R&R. I need a break right now, more than I have ever needed a break. I am hoping this trip will help further the healing and understanding I have been looking for. I know going away wont solve things but maybe it can help me purge my mind of all the crap that is still just mulling about in there.

So here is to a new me, a new us and a new out look on things. I am going through changes and with a bit of work all of them will be good changes. Going forward I wont be such a crab about college, I still dont have to like it but I can at least see it in a better light. This way it wont have me in a constant funk when I have to start back in the fall. Working on my attitude will help with so many things and just having a positive out look on things will help take away self generated stress. Because most of the stress we all deal with is self induced, we are not out there fighting for food and survival, so what is the point of stressing all the little things? Just let the chips fall where they may.

In the end this is what I what my life is all about and I will fight tooth and nail to keep, protect and love:

(sorry Devon this is the only picture I have on my work computer lol)


Mom Taxi Julie said...

So are you guys seperating? I could have wrote those first few paragraphs myself. Being married is such hard work. Add in kids work and school and it's almost impossible.

Angel said...

Make sure you are allowing yourself to feel real feelings though. It's good to move on and move forward, but if you don't allow those real feelings (no matter how bad or wrong they are) you carry them with you until you deal with them. You have to go through the irrational emotions so you can come to terms with them, stamp them with the big red inked DEALT WITH stamp and file them away forever. Don't dwell in them of course because that isn't productive, but I just worry about you being "numb" and then getting over whelmed with the flood of everything you pushed down. Although I guess your body knows you better than anyone and if your body says to take a time out.. then take a time out. ((hugs)) and sorry for rambling lol

Steph said...

hard times. you're a smart guy, who's really in touch with his emotions and feelings. That's good-- and is gonna help get ya through it all :)

Hammy said...

Fight on, Phil.