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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Wee-Todd-Did

My company has made me retarded. And how can I blame my job for this problem in my life, as well you ask? Very simple, two words-Automatic Bathrooms. It is a wondrous place, where modern day thinkers have put their noodles to the test all in the name of sanitation. Step one, Auto flush urinals/toilets; Step two, Auto on/off sinks; Step three Auto Air drier/paper dispenser. You do not have to touch anything that is not on your person, unless you want to(George Michael). These inventors have given us such a complex about germs and sanitary things. In many ways this is good, food service workers HAVE to wash their hands before returning to work and state laws mandates that there be soap there to do so. But it is also a bad thing, people are afraid to use the potty when that are not up to par as they are used to. For example, I know ppl that will not sit on a foreign bowl unless it is propely covered in a bowel condom. They can be found in place like this:

















Now it is a proven fact there are more germs on the salt shaker at your local eatery than on the lid of a toilet in the nastiest bar in NYC. And yet they do not offer a cover for that when we dine out. People are more concered with the outer rim of their ass than the part of the body that regularly goes in your mouth. Counter tops, public phones, door knobs and even your pen has more germs on it but we do not seem to notice this. So our company spend big buck to protect our cheeks when that money could easily be spent else where...my salary could be a good place to start ;-). So much time and money is spent on the notion of cleanliness but little thought is put into the reality of it all.
Let me paint a picture of the perfect bathroom....
I walk up to the door of my local depository and the door automatic opens for me. I walk into the Ionoc Breezed air of the while marble tiled bank of waste and make my selection of stalls. As I approach the place of much needed relief the stall of my choosing opens for me, the door opens out so that I do not have to do a little dance to keep my leg from touching the bowl of nastiness when it closes. The automatic seat santy cover rolles on a new cover for my royal ass before I even unzipp the man of the hour. I sit down and commence firing, then apon my command the electronic eye flushes and then goes to town on the next job at hand. A small brush like device comes out from the side of the porcelain doodie catcher and washes my privates in to gleaming happiness. Then my cheeks are dried with jets of warm slowly blown air, as not to splash the nasty ass water on to my person. I stand up and re-enclose my beast of burden and approach the door. Which once again opens for me, now mind you this stall is the kind that goes floor to ceiling and has music playing at full volume so that, god forbid, you make any noise no one will hear. I strut over to the sink where the soap comes out when I place my hand under the dispenser and the luke warm water is already running at a fast yet manageable speed. So that no water splashes up at me and make it look as if I pissed myself. As I finish washing paper towels that are aloe soft eject out of a slot that is near chest level in the mirror. I dry my hands and put my waste in the trash that has a wide opening as to keep me from missing and having to bend over and pick up the , now, fouled paper. I now leave with the knowledge that I never once had to touch anything that might have had germs on it and that my ass is as clean as its ever going to get. Unless I bump inot Peewee Herman and he is offering free rim to the first taker.

That is a bathroom I would love to see but till then the usual ones I see (outside of work) are the Hess and Exxon gas station bathrooms. The ones that look a little better after you piss on the floor because the bowl is usually over flowing with the last occupants stuff and if you were to add any it might jump out at you.
Now my work bathroom is not nearly that modern nor are they gas station quality. But they do spoil me too much. So next time you are standing at the sink waiting for it to turn on by itself and then you realize you don't have one in your crappy apartment. Don't feel bad, I do it all the time. And hell, half the time I forget to flush because I expect it to do it for me. Damn cheap ass land lords! I even gave them pamphlets on where to buy them..................................

14 comments:

Hernesto G said...

this is truely amazing. you wrote a good page about the fucking shitter. here's some advice: take a look at my blog to see how it's done.

casperelli said...

That's fucking phenomenal.. Maybe I should send that to my boss... we can't even get little trash cans in the stalls!

redgirl said...

i wonder just how many germs are on that nasty door that you touch with your now clean hands

Hernesto G said...

yo what the hell is a blog? boring log that's what it is.

honkeie2 said...

Unsure of what a blog is? Then there is no hope for you.

Becky said...

I heard that their are more germs on my keyboard here, than a toilet seat! Ewwwww!

honkeie2 said...

That is why you should keep your fingers out of your mouth....:-P
Better to lick the seat,
than eat a finger licking, treat...lol
I made a funny yuck yuck yuck..:D

Danielle said...

omg!!!! okay didnt need to know the real deal about germs!!! ewww!!! lol

Katie said...

I think I would love to have your dream bathroom. It's great I think.

Great blog!

Lindsey said...

That Hernesto guy is so weird. He goes to eveyrone's blogs leaving rude comments.

Anywho...can you believe that I actually took the time to sound out the title to this post? lol.

My only complaint about automatic toilets is that I panic when they don't flush right away. I don't want to walk away until it flushes b/c i don't want someone to walk in behind me and think i'm unhygenic or something.

honkeie2 said...

My only complaint about auto toilets is that they flush sometimes before you are done. I am not werid but I made it and I want to see it lol.
The one at my job does this all the time so I put a peice of TP over the evil eye. This keeps it from flushing prematurly and I dont get a wet butt :-D.

Danielle said...

p.s. my company has made me retarded too but in different ways lol

casperelli said...

Our toilets flush as soon as you get your pants half way down... Throws me off all the time!

honkeie2 said...

Sorry but the visual of someones pants half way down just made me smile thanks :-D. Such sweet memories :-D