About Me

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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Lets see.....this maybe be deleted

This weekend went way to fast. I finished my second semester of online skooling. I was so relieved, I was done on Saturday and I sooo wanted to party. But this was not a party weekend. It was a very buisy one. Work, family and house work.


But on to why I might not leave this post up for very long:


I found out that my ex has a bun in the oven. I was not to suprised by this because both me and the wife unit bet that the moment my oldest went to regular skool she would get knocked up. And sure enough, my oldest is set to start skool next week, for the first time in almost 4 years.

We made this call years ago when she first came out with her want to home skool my son. She never had much drive to do much more than stay home. Even when I was married to her she never seemed to want to do much more than nothing. One of the finer points that made me want to run.

So needless to say I wasnt shocked. But it did get me to thinking, which is always bad. I started to think back when she was pregnat with my son and those were the best times we had. This was before I found out the things I know about her now. And it just brought about a very strange feeling in me. I hope for the best for her and hope everything goes well.

I could careless about the toad she is married to. I congradulated her and ignored her husband. He is a real toad and even reminds me of one. He has to be the coldest person I know. If you dont corner him and make him say hello to you he wont even accknowledge you are even there. So I always make it a point to look through him, it isnt as hard as it seems. I have alot of practise at being an asshole and it pays off sometimes.

But anywhoooo, these feelings came rushing back and all the bad stuff seemed to disappear. Not that I had any desire to go back with her....no no no never, Even with my blinders on for a second I know a bad idea when I smell it......but those old feeling still lingeared. I am not a mushy romantic kind of guy, even thought my wife unit wishes I was, so I had some problems dealing with how I was feeling. I could not talk to the wife about them, I did not want to hurt her feelings. I know she knows how I feel about her in the end but I know its an hard topic to go into. Your husbands past love and his residual feelings for the first wife. I no longer have any anger towards her and nor do I feel any resentment. I have been rather numb to the whole notion for sometime. Because I know where we came from and that there is no way I could ever go back there again. We were not ment to be, thats all.

We were friends in high school and dated before the eventful day my son was concieved. She was still in high school when she was pregnant, the last month of her senior year she was knocked up. I give her credit going through with her graduation and finishing high school while with child. I am sure she had to put up with alot of shit because of that and was on the recieving end of some dirty glances. But in the end most of the peopel we all graduated with did not end up much better than we did. Hell i think only about 4 or 5 out of over 1000 people we went to skool with made much out of life. I am not on top of the rock star list but I am doing pretty good I think lol.

So for us to have gone through all of this and then try to say I do not have feelings would be a hard bit to swallow. I see her and cannt help but see how we were all those years ago and remeber what we were and what I hoped for us. It did not pan out the way I planned but nothing is set and we have to make due with the reality of everything. I do feel that we are better of seperated, I know I could not have put up with her any longer lol. She is not the person I could spend my years with. She was old before her time and I have no idea why. She even dresses old, its kind of comical. She will be the woman in mom jeans, just like her mom haha.

But I am going to have to end this rambling personal nonsense because I have a shit load of work to do today. I start a new class today at UOP (university of phoenix) and the first few weeks are always the worst. And the boss is a bit raggy today, no biggie bosses will be bosses........and no I did not win the lottery, I cannt even find the damn ticket so i can burn it and stomp on it! Fuck MONDAY!

Ranom old pic that has me smiling at the moment:
my son and the evil clown of fat and cholestrol!
ps-sorry for the typ-o's I am rushing this a bit!

7 comments:

fatwonkkid said...

i tried doing grad school while working. i liked the idea of not having to pay for school. but it was way too much work while holding down a full time job, plus i am a super procrastinator...so i decided not to continue after i completed the first class.

although these days i am a bit more mature and responsible...i really should do it before those stupid things called kids start popping up, or out :)

karma lennon said...

I think those feelings are only natural and as long as you accept them for what they are and move on you`ll be fine, even if it is a bit disconcerting. And it is disconcerting-sometimes I`ll come across a picture of the ex and remember, say, how he used to make me laugh and I miss him. And then I remember the time when he sprained my wrist when he was mad, etc. And go "oh yeah".

And congrats on school! I`ve been contemplating going back and getting my master`s in film studies.

Betty Boob Hug said...

I liked this post because I think it was more like a diary entry for you and I can see why'd you probably want to delete it soon - it's very raw and personal

Hey - what you said was really touching and very true. You can never not have feelings about the first girl you loved and she carried your first baby - she will always be that first of a lot of things.

This was nice to read, for how it looks on the 'guys side' of the fence. thanks honkeie2 and yeah, some stuff you dont 'need to talk with to your wife - it's your memories and feelings and doesn't reflect how much you adore HER.

honkeie2 said...

fat: I am a huge procrastinator! But I always do my best work under some type of pressure.

lennon: I kept a journal during my practise marriage. It helps me to remeber what went wrong.

Boobs: thanks and you are right. Emtions can be the devil of our very existance sometimes.

Jenny! said...

Thats a lot to think about! The picture is the cutest!

Angel said...

For some reason this helped me have a little closure on my relationship with my ex husband. I think back on old times too, and it does help you forgive to remember how things were. I just didnt think guys ever felt that way. I still have you all pegged as assholes. lol
Thanks for letting me have a glimmer of hope that he still remembers and thinks back on the old times. They shouldnt be forgotten.

honkeie2 said...

angle: who are u...soooo anonymous and all...but thanks for the comment. ;) we arent all assholes all the time.