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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Be My Anti-Valentine

With the enpending doom of Valentines Day coming I came across this site that I am sure all men and women alike will find humorous and full of the god awful truth. We all feel it and we all fear it....Valentines Day. We can deal with birthdays the way we deal with colds, we can handle Xmass the way chemist handle a tray full of the balck death plauge viruses, and we survive anniversaries the way a double amputie survived the chain saw accident that gave him the nick name 'Stump'.....But the one day all men and some women dred is Valentines day. I am going to steal the opening line from the site I am about to show u..........

"Valentine's Day is like herpes: just when you think its gone for good, it rears its ugly head once more. No wonder some people prefer to call it VD"

I hope the owners of this site doesnt bring down the rath of lawyers apon my big old head for that but I had to share it. That is some wisdom that speaks volumes to me and I had to share it. Like that time I shared mono with the whole cheerleading team at my friends school.......What???!! They were our rivals, the cheerleading finals were cuming and I thought I would show a little school spirit and slap down some biological warfare on them. Go Cougars!

Now I am not agaist showing love to the one that is the love of your life but putting all the pressure on the whole world to do it all in one day puts some many ppl in straight jackets. I love my wife with all my being and I would go to Africa and fight off all thos wild bush men for all the blod diamons in the world if that was what she wished. But the pressure to perfrom always makes me feel a little inadiquate. I try I do, but I am not as romantic as she wishes I was. I always fear the 'Why cannt you be more like so-and-so's husband' And my response 'Because you didnt marry a gay man pretending to be straight so his parents will leave him alone about where he puts his penis' Then hearing 'He is right behind you'

That would just kill me and I fear it like the pope fears another NAMBLA memeber becoming a priest.

I also know that if we as a collective society dont support this holiday millions of ppl will be out a job and our fragile economy could not take another low blow. The child-labor in Hersey,PA would suffer; the under paid day labor's in the rose gardens would suffer; and the flower/liqour store owners would suffer. Imagine what would happen to the beer/liquor industry if suddenly ever male in the USA went on the wagon.......No SupreBowl beers, No Mardi Gras rum, St. Patrice day whiskey, New Years Eve Champagne, no Xmass eggnog, No Boxing Day shooters(canadians know this one) , GroundHog Day chasers, Martin Luther Day Malt Liquor, no Hanukkah kosher spirits, No Ash Wednesday red wine and no Easter homemade hooch! And if I missed offending someones religion, race, or whatever let me know and I will redo this post to make sure I cover your dumb ass too. But let us not forget the St.Valentines EverClear......or anything with the highest level of alcohol that will help numb the pain to the face you are alone this year and under normal day to day you are happy with this face. Because since you became single you have never been happier. You are now at peace with the world because you no longer have to put up with.....................

-Someone leaving the toliet seat up

-Leaving crumbs in the bed

-Never changing the toliet paper

-Bitching at you to finish the honey-do-list

-Playing therapist because daddy/mommy didnt love them enough

-Getting into fights with her stalker exboyfriend

-The inlaws

-Having to be friendly with people you would much rather drown in a shallow bucket of vomit by holding their head in it

-The never ending pretending-this applys to something sooooo deep I would need to do a whole new post to cover this one-

-The never ending fighting over everything-again a whole post could be dedicated to this topic alone-

-The cold feet on your back in the middle of the night-guys why do all women have such cold feet?-

-Sharing the covers

-Coming home to find nothing at all was done

-and lastly .....all the bullshit you had to deal with that casue to swear of relationships forever and in the end you were perfectly happy

Now one day of the year.......VD, Valentines Day, you feel lonely and shitty. Fuck that, lets keep the industry going but take off the pressure. Buy the candy, flowers and whatever but for a new reason. Lets put the pressure on the reciever of this holiday. If you are big on Valentines day it should be the day you give up something you wouldnt get flowers and candy, I want butt sex. And the kind where I am the pitcher not the catcher. And dont give me the old 'If it goes in my pooper it goes in yours next' line. I didnt want to save for a month to get you that necklace and some dead flowers just so you could give me a peck on the cheek and you to say "thank you"! And then hand me a card with a gift certificate to 'Bath and Bodiy Works' in it!

So ladies....and some men, if you lay a guilt trip on the one you say you love because they did not live up to the exspectaions that has been drilled into us while we sleep by Hallmark over the years, Just remeber you did not........

1) give up the brown eye

2) clean the gutters

3) stay down at the Y until the command to stop was given

4) remeber to squeeze the tooth paste from the bottom of the tube

5) put the seat down

6) close the bread up when you were done

7) pick up your dirty spotted undies

8) take off your shoes before getting into the car

9) clean your own damn needles after a night of meth fun

10) give that birthday BJ that was promised

11) cook

12) mow the lawn

13) wash your car

14) get that wax job because hardwood floors are better anyway

15) use mouthwash before giving the morning kiss

16) put the remote back in its place

17) use a napkin to blow thier nose and the old 'snot rocket'

18) offer to clean up after the horizontal mombo was over

19) Sleep in the wet spot

20) keep your promise not to get drunk at the company picnic and end up again naked in the pool playing 'periscope up and down' with the bearly legal life guards.

This list could go on and on and on but I will end it with a few cards you might want to send to that person on VD.

(click on pic to see the site I was talking about)

And my fav.......

Have a Happy Hump day everyone. And remeber if you lay on the pressure be ready to recieve some.........prison shower sex style!
The word of the day....and I shit you not, I found this word in Webster's ll New College Dictionary!
Nuyorican: (n) A person of Puerto Rican birth living in NYC.


prunella jones said...

Can't go wrong with Godiva. Unless of course you are hoping for butt sex. Then I suggest you make a trip to the jewelry store for some blingy bling.

Nikky said...

I have no hubby for the second VD in a row... so all pressure is off him AGAIN...
But I'd be willing to go for the prison shower scene if he were here (Yeah, sure, easy for me to say when he's thousands of miles away, right? No, I really mean it!!) LOL

Chrissy said...

Just for you!


morbid misanthrope said...

On VD, I like to volunteer at a suicide hotline and convince people to kill themselves.

honkeie2 said...

jones: get that rock and make it hot, might just give you a chance at that ballon knot.

nikky: a woman that is into prison shower sex......??!! Its a myth!

chrissy: hahahaha thanks....are u a pillow biter lol?

morbid: during this time of the year you wont need much encouragement to get some to pop off.

Miss 1999 said...

You know, I SO agree with you! When I was younger, I used to LOVE Valentine's Day, of course, what woman doesn't-- But you know, now, it's like, if my husband can't show me he loves me every day, then fuck just one day a year-- know what I mean? ;0)

honkeie2 said...

miss: see now that is what I am talkng about!