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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Do you know 'Gear-Fu'!?!

I have become the master of Gear-Fu, it is a driving martial art. The style of the drop gear and burn, the art of the power shift and the smooth fluid motion of the cut off the asshole in the left lane while down shifting and giving this cell phone talking make-up applying ass the finger. Here in NJ one must master this if they want to effectively piss off others while making them eat you dust.

I am not a fast driver, or at least I wasnt until I got my Matrix. I was able to beg and pleaded with the keeper of the sex to let me get it with a manual trans. I have tried to teach her but she is a bit shy and scared of the whole gear thing. But I love driving manual! I have mastered it and it has become almost automatic now.

Now, for the past few days I have been running late to work so this means I have been a bit more manic than usual and pushing the envelope of safety. And to make matters worse our local college metal/rock radio station has been playing some awesome music lately. Well they play awesome music most of the time, I have just been fortunate to be driving and catch some of the better stuff. And I dont know about other people but when a song comes on that I like that foot become even heavier! Here is what I heard this morning driving on the Parkway: Misfits: Dig Up Her Bones. That is even a little tame for my taste but then this song came on: Prong, Snap Your Fingers Snap Your Neck. And I must say when that song came on it was no holds barred! And sssshh dont tell the wife but me and this Acura were having a friendly highway duel, nothing bad but I was hauling ass!

As a master one must share ones knowledge in the hopes to inspire others to do better. In helping one must know certain facts about driving in NJ, each highway and route has different rules and guidelines. On the Parkway and the Turnpike it is more of a free for all with the left lane for fast moving cars ONLY. If you cant or wont drive fast get the fuck out, I will high beam you and honk my horn at you. Some say this is wrong but I have just found out from a cop that if you signal for a car to move over so you can pass and they dont, they have just broken the law. Yes speeding is wrong too, but if a car does not yield to the person trying to pass they can get pulled over too. Now, on the different route we have here like 78, 22 or 287 these are more like a death race than anything. Rt. 22 in the Springfield/Union area is a drag strip of many road side memorials to those you have failed. Physics does not allow for error or forgiveness for error. You more your ass or you loss you ass on this stretch of highway.

Gear-Fu become essential in the the ability to survive at these break neck speeds of transportation. One can use the Lymp-Wristed Slowmo Chi style and stay in the right lane and be fine but they too have their share or corner plots with the old RIP (rest in pieces) space holders.

I view driving as much of a sport as runners see moving ones legs for hours on end as a sport. It requires skill, mental sharpness and a quick middle finger to properly maneuver in this class. I love driving my car, I know it wont last because it is really is too small. We have been talking about getting a Toyota pick up, with the extended cab. Dont get me wrong I would LOVE to get me a man truck but the little boy in me wants to zip in and out and cut off old people, who for the most part dont even know it because they cannt see over the dash.
Also here in Jersey we have circles, they to add to the death race mortality rate. In a circle you must be able to drive, read signs and aim your car into the area you wish to go. If you fail at any of these steps no worry, just go around again. But being human and stupid no one wants to do that. So when one of those steps is missed the normal retard with end up going into a lane they did now want or end up crashed into the curb.
Now in conclusion I would like to extend my kung-fu grip on the wand of power to anyone who wishes to learn; How to change gears without the aid of the clutch, which can come in handy when trying to move fast throught the gears; How so slow down and speed up with doing nothing more than changing gears; The ability to steer with ones knees so you can take a turn at speed while changing gears and flipping off thy fellow man; or even the simplest task of NOT PUTTING THE CAR IN GEAR WHEN YOU PARK INSTEAD OF TAKING IT OUT OF GEAR AND USING THE HAND BREAK! I hate that!

I do not want to leave on a sour note of hate, so I will leave it off with something funny. I use my pc for work but for the most part I use it to goof off, and at the momment I am just rambling a bit because I dont want to do my work. Procrastination is like masturbation because in the end you are only fucking yourself! But since its fun lets keep it going: Here are some de-motivational posters I found that I would like to share.

1) This one is for the ladies!

2) I dont know about this, but its funny!

3) This happens to me all the time!

4) And since I was doing just this on Taxi moms blog mind as well do it here to!

It is Thursady people smile, the weekend is almost here and you are most likely one day closer to the day you die so live it up a little! (and take pictures as proof)


Mom Taxi Julie said...

I really wanted a Matrix, they are so cute! But then I test drove it and hated it. I probably should have insisted on driving the better model. I went with the HHR which is super fun! I have a heavy foot when it comes to driving but hey, it's FUN!

Carie said...

I have a big problem with speeding, lol I try to drive the speed limit, but man its so damn slow...

When I had my focus I would put Linkn Park in the cd player and put one step closer on...that song is made for grandma lives a few miles from me, and I love to put that song on and try and make it to her house before it ends...I can now do it :) Ken can not, maybe its the fact hes getting old, but he takes forever to get anywhere lol The Focus was made for speed, it was a great car...120 with out any problem, the car seemed to ask the driver to go faster lol now the f150 just isn't a fan of speeding :( sucks

honkeie2 said...

momT: I tried the Honda Fit before the Matrix and hated it. I got in the Matrix and I was in love. But I loved my Ford Station wagon I had years ago. they dont make station wagons anymore, and that makes me sad lol.

Carie: Welcome back! My friend had a Focus and it was a fun drive. I know i will miss the zip when I get my truck but I kind of need it. My job is moving into the hills and I need something that can drive in the snow better.

Prunella Jones said...

I gotta throw up my rock hand for that driving advice. Hells yeah!

~Sheila~ said...


I used to have a '88 Honda Prelude..yes, standard.
Angel was working in Atlanta, Georga some time back (and get this...) at a FLEA MARKET FOR $800.
He had it brought home because he couldn't return to GA for medical reasons.
He gave it to me.

That shower pic with the cookie...HAD ME CRACKING UP for like a good 5 min.


Cairo Typ0 said...

I love the one of Edward. Does he do anything other than brood and look angst ridden? LOL

Great driving advice. I just wish more people would heed your words of wisdom! *sigh*

Ace C said...

I addicted to the speeding to man. I can't stop it for some reason though I have tried.

Samantha said...

Loving those pics!

honkeie2 said...

pru: show me your devil horns!

sheila: wow what a deal! I love the shower one to!

cairo: I am trying to help one driving tard at a time.

Ace: thanks for coming buy, and dont ever stop Exxon needs people like us!

samantha: welcome back, i will have to drop by your neck of the woods soon!

Nick James said...

Thanks for all of the comments. Your blog is awesome.

honkeie2 said...

Nick: No, you rock!