I have been thinking about just taking it down. It has been rare that I come here anymore, a place I used to come to on a daily basis has become a place I come to once a month.
There was a time I could not wait to get on here and bullshit about my day and post the pictures I have taken in the world around me. But then things changed, my free time changed and my desires changed. It is strange how the things we once loved to do become more of a burden than a joy.
I think college killed some of the joy when it comes to sitting down and blogging. Having to type out pointless papers and then to come to my blog and type some more.....yeah no thanks. But I do miss coming here and one of the factors for me now wanting to come back, is that I said to myself that I wanted to do a recap of my world. So much has happened that just the thought of trying to organize it made me think of another college paper that I HAD TO write.
And then finally today I sat down and thought, "Fuck I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I don't want to delete my blog and I don't want to start over!"
So I wont I will just start today over with a fresh out look on life and blogging. I have let soo many things just kind of go to shit these days. I gained 30lbs since last August.....yes 30 goddamn it pounds! Is embarrassing to have to admit it, and even worse when my cloths don't fit me. And much like this blog I always have the intent on going back to working out but it just never happens.
I seem to have lost the energy to do much of anything these days, and to make it worse my bottomless pit of a stomach is my enemy. What to do what to do....and I know its easy to say one thing and harder to do another. The only time I can really workout is at 0400 in the morning and getting up that early is just about impossible, hell I would have to be in bed the same time the kids go to bed! But to get what we want sometimes real sacrifices have to be made. And its time to stop complaining about it and at least make one step in the right direction.
I have made numerous attempts, even went out running for 2 days in a row but this that and everything got in the way and it never continued.
I am tired of being tired, I am no longer a smoker, still a weekend drinker, and very much still an over eater. I am slowing starting to see that I have a problem with food. I love it way to much and have a hard time controlling myself. But lets see what I can about this, I am going to try tomorrow and go to the park for at least a jog and I am also going to try and come here and blog about it.
I used to love blogging about everything and nothing at all, but now it almost seems like.....work. And very few people out there love doing anything they have to! And on trying to recap I think I will just do it backwards, starting with the most recent events and working my way down. One big event was the passing of my brother in law, not Douglas but Willie. I am not sure if I mentioned much about him here. He was handicapped and confined to bed his whole life but he was the light of my wife's family. And as I became a part of the family the same was true for me. It was a very emotional passing for everyone, he was sick and we knew his time was limited. But knowing what is about to happen and looking it in the face of it are two very different things. It even surprised me how much it effected me, I have always been the rational person in situations like this but this time I just about fell apart. I was in a very uncomfortable place and I had no idea how to act or what to say. I am still a bit awkward about it, I have had people in my family pass away but I was never around when it happened. So it was more like a phone call and a sympathy card. It is still strange to go to the house and go past his room and not see him there in his bed smiling and you. He was a happy little guy and he know what was what even though he could not voice it. You KNEW when he was pissed about something and he let you know it, and you knew when something made him happy. It was the simplest things that made him happy and the simplest things that made him give you the shit face of his disapproval.
I did see his body before he was cremated and it took all my strength not to fall to pieces, the family was having a hard time with it and I had to hold it together. I probably should have let something out, a little at a time is better than all out at once. But I just thought I had to be the one to help others stand when they needed help. I find myself on the verge of tears many times when I am alone just because I am just not sure where to direct this....frustration. I understand logic and reason and even anarchy....but I just don't know what to do with real emotions. Maybe through this, my blog I can try to work it out, my blog is my therapy and my legacy.
So here is to a fresh start, a spring cleaning of the virtual soul. Willie you are gone but not forgot en, your passing has shown me that I am not where I want to be and that I really need to work on all parts of all of the things I have been neglecting. Like not caring about grammar and spelling. I am always worried about that, but damn it all to hell I don't care, if someone wants to read this with a red pen and point out all the areas I fucked up on....knock yourself out. Just don't come near me with that pen, I will shove it up your ass then put it in your mouth.
So here is to tomorrow, a day that is promised and not a given