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About Me

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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Just a fast funny:

I will be posting pictures up soon, work has been busy and home life crazy so I have had little pc time. But to let everyone know I did lose ONE POUND! Whooooohoooo! I am so stoked I did not gain, exspecially after that Xmass party! It was awesome, too much booze too much food! I will be back probably Firday to do that post. So until then take a look at this funny my wife sent me:

your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day.....
Sorry I could not leave without post at least one picture I took. I think it came out pretty damn good considering I was about 12 sheets in the wind when I took it....did I mention they had an OPEN BAR!?!


~Sheila~ said...

Awww Man!!! I like lemons!

I don't drink Coca-Cola anyway. Not to mention the fact that it dissolves battery acid corrosion.

The pic is very nice.

Finding my way said...

That is an awesome post and cool pic.

Becky said...

Yes my brother in law has told me time and time again that I'm a traitor for shopping at Target. I don't do it often only maybe twice a year. I need to remember to not use a remote in a hotel room, as I hardly ever go to hotels.

Samantha said...

He he, I got that email :)

Savanna said...

There were definately some things in there that I wasn't aware of...I'll be sure to keep a mental note of ALL of them and live my life VERY sheltered from now on...thanks!

The pic looks AMAZING! Man...why wasn't I invited?!?! I'm always happy to use the open bar!!

Daryl said...

My girlfriend and I sat down together and really enjoyed all
the great information that we both saw and could not believe how interesting it was for the both of us because of all the great information. Thank you!

honkeie2 said...

sheila: did you know you make napalm with diet coke and gas?

finding: tank u!

becky: I love target and hate walmart. At least the stuff a Target doesnt break 2 weeks after you bought it. I used to go to hotels and never gave it much thought. Hell, I was probably the one leaving tons of stuff that glows in black lights!

sam: woohoo worlds apart but not really

savana: you didnt get the memo?

daryl: what the hell are you talking about. sometimes spam almost seems human other times i swear they are encrypted messages for satan himself.