I am now the proud owner of the Total Gym, Chuck Norris used his superior Jeti mind trick and suckered me in. I will have some home pics of this wonderous gym toy very shortly. From the box to workout it only took about 30 minutes. You only really have to screw in one thing and all the res comes all ready assembled. The attachments use pins to lock things in place instead of screws and knobs. The only real draw back is that it is heavy and kind of hard to move about and the pins can be lost rather easily. But besides that it is a great exercise toy for ppl with little room. It can really hit the whole body, and is great for circut training. Which is what most normal ppl really need. Sorry, we all want to look like Arnie but it just wont happen. I do not have the will or desire like he did and I have a real fear of needles. Come on, he wasnt fooling anyone he was on the juice. Even OJ knows that!
But we can aim high cannt we?
Here is a web pic of what I have:


This is the exact toy I have. And here is what I want out of it:


Just minus the blue jean shorts and the helmet hair.

But the real man of the hour is Chuck Norris! He has become a living legend. And from what i have learned from a certain navy man, he is really short. Now doesnt that just kill the hero we thought he was? I mean only a real man would be able to pull an add off like this:



Or how could an all American Hero be short. After all he killed Bin Laden.



But we all must come to terms with the reality hollywood made him a hero, pretend and movie magic made him a hero. He did not rescue Vets from the clutchs of those evil men nor did he kick anyones ass. But if he can chase your ass down in cowboy boots and still round house you in the face...well he is ok in my book.
Here is some words of wisdom from someone who is about as American as Hulk Hogan, Mr.T, Rambo, and the Terminator:



And even though he probably would have gotten his neck broken in a real like fight with Bruce Lee (which is how it went down in the movie) he is still a hollywood action god. He even took on a movie that was kick ass, and kicked major ass. Who needs 300 when you have a man in blue jeans and cowboy boots than can do a split and a round house kick?




thank you Chuck, can I call you Chuck? Thanks Chuck, I love the Total Gym and if things go well I might even write you a letter. With a homo-erotic pics of me on the total gym. Hey even Chuck needs a little love.

Bad me....

I have been a very bad blogger lately. Between work and online skool my slacker toys have been given the back seat. But I will try to get in at least 2 good post a week.


This past weekend was nice and relaxing, except Sunday. There was lots of running and getting and dirtiness. I took down the old pool and laid it to rest. R.I.M.P (rest in many peices). Here is a pic to rember the old pool by. I did good by us for 3 years, with a bit of luck the mothe-in-law will follow through with getting a real pool :-D

This weekend I was wandering around the happy store and my eye caught this beer I have never noticed before. It is a mexican beer that comes in this cool looking red can. To be honest the only reason I bought it was because I liked the cans. Now isnt that the best reasoning for any man taking anything home. "Hey she had good cans, what can I say?"
I also bought a girlie drink just in case it was nasty and had to chase it with something.

Well, it was freakin good! The next time I go out for beers I will be buying this stuff. It went down nice with no after taste. I am now a mexican beer man, screw Coronia's!



Here are just some random baby pics of Cheese doing what he does best.....eating.....







Drooling and smiling! Man, I dont remeber him being chinese when he was born!?!








Hope Monday isnt to rough on the old Beave, have a happy one!

Soon to come:
My review on the Total Gym, I just bought it so I can workout at home. My old gym is in mothballs and I no longer have the time to got to my local muscle factory. So my wife let me take Chuck Norris's advice and buy this new toy.

Real fast:

This will be a quickie because I have new duties today. I will get to them in a moment.....but firts Happy Birthday Cheese! He is now one year old. The begining of the long road of humanity. Enjoy these years while you can.

This is the battle field that I faced when I went to pick him up at the babysitters. I have several pieces of cake, both of them. Numerous cup cakes, cheetos and chips. And some diet orange soda. My fav soda is grape and orange. Ever wonder why they dont taste like grapes or oranges? This was the one of the only time I actually thought about throwing this shit up. But I ate it so now I have to deal with it. And besides I hate the idea of vomit.......ewwwwww!



He was trying to escape with his booty!



He would have made if it were not for that baby force field he had there!



Here is mommie and cheese and one of his crib mates. He was on time out, they gave him too much sugar and he was about to tear off the walls lol.



Run Cheese Run!



The other thing I have to mention is my little man had his first offical day of school today. So I now have the duty of picking him up. He used to go to the same babysitter so i used to pick them up at the same place at the same time. But now I have to go to 2 different places, so my time again has been cut down.
How the hell do ppl do this shit with more than 2 ? Like that retard out west somewhere that had her belly button replaced with a zipper. Is she up to her 19 kid now? WTF is wrong with these ppl, at first they gave some half ass excuse of religon but now I think she is just showing off. She is going to freakin died soon from a sore pussy!



Have a happy Tuesday, I am now off the run like the wind. But honestly I move at the speed of fart most of the time lol.

Slow as shit.....

I am at work on a Sunday and trolling through blog land. But I am not at my desk and I am not using my computer. I am actually at some off site location and was willing to whore myself off for some much needed overtime. I was bummed at first because this site did not have a computer, but to my suprise when I came in and there one was. With an internet connection and all. But I did have to hack it a little because I did not have the log on password, ssshhhhh dont tell the IT ppl I know what I know ;-)
But there is one problem, the pc has to be a throw back to the mid 1990's and is slow as shit. Everytime I hit the 'next blog' button I pick up a book I am reading and come back in a few mintues. It takes sometime for it to up load anything. It is kind of comical to think this was the 'fast' once upon a time.
Does anyone remeber AOL2.0? I do I used to have the original disk it came on, you know those little square things we used to store small amounts of info. I now use a memory stick that has more space on it than some computers I had about 3 years ago. It is amazing that we went from a things like the gameboy with black and green screen to the PsP that can play video games, watch movies, listen to music on and even....well I am not sure what else it can do I dont have one lol. But I used to think the original gameboy was the shit! I played all the games anyone could ever get. My favorite was....shit I forget the name now but it was Castle something-or-other, I think it started with a 'V'. You were hunting this vampire. And I think you had a whip as a weapon. Oh, what the hell was that name? I also heard that they might be making a movie with the same name. Fuck, my brain is shot!I never beat it but I have never been big on beating games, once you beat it the game is over and when you have serious gaming addictions who wants it to be over? Then I got gameboy advanced, which I still have and use. Its screen wasnt much bigger but it had more buttons and a color screen and wayyyy better graphics. I do hope to get the PsP someday but it is sortof on the bottom of the list of things I want right now. Hmmmm lets list the things I want, hell I am bored and all alone at someone else's desk. Lets play with myself for a minute:

1. New ink. I am so jonesing to get some new tats! That is number one on my must have.
2. A whole bottle of Absinthe. I found a web site that is out of England that has some good prices and decent sized bottles.
3. The Total Body Gym. I have wanted this for sometime but I had a basement with a whole freakin gym in it(almost). But now we live in an apartment, and there is no room for my muscle factory.
4. New floor mats in my car. Since I drive a manuel (and sometimes a juan and a jose) the mats on the drivers side have been worn way down. I want offical Toyota Matrix floor mats but they are about $100 each. Agian I said I 'want' them not 'need' them haha.
5. My four year college degree. I am actively working on it, I just want it NOW!
6. A bigger penis, nothing elephant like just maybe mule would be nice.
7. Muscles to magicly appear
8. Mutant powers to make slot machines spit money at me and xray vison. No need to go into why ;)
9. Psp
10. And my last want; I want a new president. I support my country 110% but I really feel this jabbering monkey has put us in the shitter in some many ways and that we need some fresh blood in there.(and that is as political as I am going to get)

As anyone can see the PsP really isnt all that important in my life but I still want one. If anyone wishes to donate a used one I will take it. I am a begger and I dont get all bent out of shape about hand me downs. Hell I shop at the good-will store sometime lol.

I am off to get some pretend work done now. And this keyboard they have hear sucks ass. It seems like it has never been used before and all the keys are stiff and shit. Fuck yeah stiff, stiff like your mom! hahahaha, dont mind me.

-Your were a filthy old whore!

-What do you mean 'were'?

Absinthe: The Review

I bought a bottle of absinthe from an online source. It cost me $50 for this tiny ass bottle, which I knew but seeing how small was somewhat of a shocker. And not the funny shocker you give your wife while checking her plumming. The type of shocker you get when you open a box the size of the Webster's dictionary and pull out a bottle the size of single serving Tobassco sauce bottle.
But after looking at the alcohol percentage I was a little happier, a little. It said it was 80 proof which means this shit is 160%! It took almost 5 weeks for this to show up at my door. The site said 2-3 weeks but due to an issue in the wharehouse there was a delay. I should have gotten some type of rebate for that damn it.
Oh well, I am a patient man so no harm no foul. It came in on a weekday and I am still not depraived enough to get pickled on a work day. Those days will come if I have anymore kids ;).
Well, afetr doing some research I decided to try the traditional method:
1 Part absinthe
4 parts water
poured over a sugar cube.

1) The bottle in question


2) The items one needs.


Using this method made about 3 drinks. So that comes to about $16 bucks a drink, not bad for NYC bar prices lol. It went down really smooht, it had a light licorice taste. It did take my breath away without the usually burn one would get from any other type of lighter fluid. There was no buring, just a nice warm feeling in the tummy.
Speaking of lighter fluid, I wanted to see if the hollywood method changed the taste at all. Again i did the usual but this time I poured a little on the sugar and lit it. Nothing different really. But it sure looked cool!



As you can see I do not have the proper absinthe spoon. I was not willing to shell out another $80 for something I was not sure that I was going to do again. But now I am sure I would love to get a whole freakin bottle! I am not sure what ppl are talking about when they say they see things drinking this stuff. But then again I wasnt drinking it straight, taking it to the head as some might say. If anyone downs 3 shots worth of 80proof of any booze you might see things!


Now after seeing the size of this bottle I decided to make a trip to the happy store for some extra ammo for my night of liver abuse. We also bought this movie called "Grandmas Boy" If you love adult humor with drug references and bried nudity you will love this movie. It is a bit of a stoners movie but it is funny as shit!
While at the fun store I bought my first and last bottle of Gennuis. I had some years ago and did not like it. So I thought about giving it another whirrl, noooo I am not influenced by commercials at all nooo not me lol.
It was dark as coke and was bitter. It was not horrible and would drink it again if someone else was buying them but it was not for me. But it did have alcohol in it so I down the bitch down fast. I guess this goes to show that I am not as Irish as I thought.



Along with the recipe for absinthe I looked up how to make Sangria. I have never made it at home so me and the wife made a night of drinking.....toghter! Now for those of you who dont know my wife she doesnt drink...anymore. After that night many moons ago.......one night can kill it for some lol.
I have not seen her drunk like this is such a long time and it had to be the funniest thing ever. She slurred her speach, laughed about everything and even played hide and seek on me. But first let me show you what got her there:



We were on pitch #2 when she got up to go potty. She had been gone for about 3-5 minutes before I got up to see where she went to. I walked past the potty and no wife, went to the baby's room and no wife and I went to the devil childs room and no wife. At this point I hear someone giggling, I went back to the living room no wife, but more giggling and now followed by that spitting thing ppl do when they are drunk when they are trying to stop the giggles. I know she isnt outside because she was in the nudie when she got up to go potty. So I went back to the bathroom where I find here in the bathtube sputtering, giggling and hidding behind the shower curtian. She was trying to say that she knew I would come looking for her but all i heard was:
"Eyes knew youd cums ooking (insert sputtering laughter) soooooo (insert wife putting finger up to her lips in the ssshhh motion) Eyes fought tit bees funny to hid!"
She did not last much longer after that. She went ot bed and kept asking me why I wasnt as drunk as her. Well I drink more than she does and I am a professional drunk. I know how to handle my ride better than someone who only goes out once in a while.
I was very drunk but she was almost to the floor when she went to bed. I stayed awake to finish the movie and play some games on the puter. I was not going to waste my buzz on sleeping, no freakin way.

I have not done a HNT so I thought I would throw 2 in here.

1) comes from me and my first drink of absinthe. I am looking right now to see if i can find some more but cheaper. $50 is too much for my wallet!


2) This one is a picture of me and what happens when you start tickling your wife after she has had 3 glasses of sangria. I was giving her rasberries on her side when she clocked me right between my eyes with her thumb nail. She was trying to make me stop but ended up making me bleed. "No one makes me bleed my own blood Nobody!" HAHAHAHA


(I just took out my eye-contacts- so that is why my eyes are so red ;))

Well that is enough out of my filthy whole. I am now off to get some real work done now. Its almost noon and I have not done a damn thing! I love work sometimes hahahahaah!

A story and vacation pics:

I would like to start this post off with a funny story that happened to me last night around the dinner table. Now if you have not noticed I have a rather sick sense of humor. And last night I was bit by the nasty bug.
The Scene:
Family of four sitting around the table just finishing up. Baby in his high chair, mommy at one end, daddy in the middle and 4yr old at the other end.
The Set Up:
Jar of chocolate icream topper on kitchen counter.
The prop:
Daddy's finger.
The gag:
Daddy gets up to take plate to the sink. He sees the jar of chocolate sauce and dips finger in. He then turns around with brown finger behind back. He then pretends to have his hand down the back of his shorts. He makes a face as if something is wrong and then produces the chocolate finger.
Daddy:
Man that was a wicked itch I had!
Daddy now procededs to lick chocolate off finger.
4Year old:
Dadds no eat kaka!
Mommy:
(eyes and mouht wide open in shock)
Look what you are teaching him.
Daddy is now laughing so hard he thinks he is going to vomit.
Daddy:
(showing the 4 yr old the jar)
No, no kaka's. it was only chocolate seee......
4 Yrold:
Dadda's nasty, no kaka's

Now at this point I have just about lost it. It took me a good half an hour before I was normal again. What made it funny to me was mental pictures of him trying this one out on his own. As nasty as that can be I would like to think my son was smart enough not to follow my lead on a few things. The wife unit did find it funny, but did show her disapproval at numerous times that night. Come on......that dar was funnie!

I am still laughing by the way hahahahahaha.......but on to those vacation pics.

We went down to Vagania Beach for a few days to visit the Bro-in-Law and to see the air show. We got there late Friday night to find out that a sky writter had crashed and died. It was not a military person so no military personel was harmed in the making of this post. But I did pour one out for the fallen. You fly a stunt plane for a living it is no real shocker you died strapped to a plane.

On Saturday morning we headed out to the base to see the show. Here we see the snipers on the look out ot Obama...or is it Oshama.....I can never get those two assheads right.



We wandered around a bit and took typical tourist photos of the big birds that bring death from above.



And I also took not so typical pitcures. Here we have the only goth kids at the whole damn show. I was not shocked, there are always at least 2. They never travel in packs less than two. They always need someone there to back them up or to justify that they arent the only weridos around. But I was kind of impressed by the fact that they were out on such a sunny happy day.



Here we have one of the pilots doing the drive by and wave thing. All the navy whores and boat rats wet themselves everytime they did this. You can always spot the women on the prowel of a 'Few Good Men' and we always know they have to be 'An Officer and a Gentalman'



Now we have Doug! He was in charge of the 'Special Needs' tent. Which ment that even though we had no real special need we got to sit in some of the best seat on the base. But I am always in need of something special so I guess I could have gotten in anyway.



Now what show full of drunken rednecks would have been complete without the game of 'Pull my finger while you stike a match'?



While in the Special Ed area I saw all kinds of things. But this old dude wanted some up close and personal pics. i swear he could have counted the amount of nose hairs they had! Or used it to get panty shots from acrosss the base, well that is what I would have used it for.



Now if you have never been to an air show they are FUCKING LOUD! Notice the little one and his homemade ear plugs.



And notice the other little one and his ear buds. He kept them in for some time. I was shocked!



I got out and wandered about and took pics. But my batteries were dying so I was only able to get a few. Here we have a race car....duh. Redneck......
But what got me was the fact that to get in the drivers seat you had to squeeze into it. I mean SQUEEZE! I have a 36inch waist and I am not sure if I could have gotten in this damn thing.



I was a bit suprised by the size of the engine. I imagined it would have been alot bigger. I now know how most women feel on their wedding night huh?




Back View: I have no idea why there are all those dryer exhaust tubes.......no clue.








The moster of all planes was this beast. You could have turned this damn thing into a 2 story house if you wanted to.








Sign next to the plane...








Blue Angles doing there thing. I would pay anything to get to ride in one of these things during the show. I bet it would beat any roller coaster ride in the world.







The next day we went to the beach and got a little sand and surf in before running back home. My batteries died on the camera so I missed a few shots that I wanted, oh well. I hope to go back soon, and take some more. It is really nice down there, well except for the whole no cursing thing they have going on.
I think I would have a fuckall of a hard time following that shit.

Ahhhh back to the old Bump and Grind

I am back and thank you all for your concerns and well wishes. But I am not dead and will be posting pictures up very shortly. I am blogging from work so I have to keep this somewhat short. I have a ton of crap to do with no end in sight. But its all good, this is where I come to recover from my vacation haha.
Well lets see what I did on my vacation.....
1) I went to the dentist for a cleaning. And what a cleaning it was, my teeth still feel werid after a week later. He pulled shit out of my mouth I have never seen before, I did not know plauge turn into this rock like substance?!? I brush my teeth and floss, not as much as I should but I do. He told me I have strong gums and that I have to cum back on the 25th for some more oral. I have cavities that need to be addressed. No biggie, better get them done now before they become something worse.
2) I drank and ate way too much! I even got the wife drunk one night, it was funny as shit. Even though she clocked me in the head and made me bleed, it was worth it.
3) Took the family to Vagina to visit the Bro-in-law and see an air show. The day before we got there some dude crashed and died. Not to worry it was a civilian, no one in the armed forces was injured.
4) Went to the beach several times. I love the beach, I dream of living on the beach someday.
5) ATE! Did I mention I ate alot?
But I am now made up my mind to get in the best shape I have ever been in. I am not beyond help but I feel if I keep up this way of life I have gotten myself into I will turn into 'that fat hairy white guy' at the beach. I saw tons of them this past week and I refuse to get like that. I now have some time issues with when I can workout so this is going to be a real battle for me.
But vacation is over and I feel like starting new. No more putting off shit and no more wishing for stuff to happen; I am just going to do it. And so far so good, I have gotten a ton of shit done for work, I am moments from going to skool and doing some make up work I have missed(bad me!), I am getting my eating under control and I have a plan for the future of me. I am not going to spill the beans about that just yet, everything I give away things prematurelly they always end with a plop instead of a bang.
I will have pictures up as soon as I get some batteries in my camera, they died on the beach in Vagina. To bad too, I had the perfect view of some camel toe when I went for it. Oh well, I guess I will have to try again when I go to the beach (hopefully) this weekend.
I am now off to get more work done like a busy beaver.....busy beaver is another way of saying hooker so maybe I wont use that one. Well buisy never the less!
I will also have some pics of that green happiness I mention last week ;)