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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Stress levels.....

My stress levels are at an all time high right now. I cannt even seem to from the words needed to express myself. Work is probably the only place I have that has the least amount of stress, it is like that is where I go to get a break. I have papers to write but I just can not bring myself, as of now, to even begin them. I should workout/ run but my motivation or desire to do so is just gone. I find myself not wanting to eat so I have no worry about gaining weight lol.

My home life is just gnawing at me so bad these days. I try with all my might to act like everything is normal when it is not. I find myself in fits or anger, sadness and almost seer blinding confusion within seconds of each other.

Losing control and just letting go often seem like the best idea but I do not have that luxury. I wanted to come here to just unload but it is on a very personal level that I am not ready to share details as of yet but I had to let a little out or I feel this pressure is going to make me pop. I am do not want to take any more classes but I have to, I just want it over with but it just seems like it is never going to end. I have to register for summer classes but I have been dragging my feet so bad that I might miss getting any class, and I have to get at least one class in. Ether I take class or I start paying off this loan, damned if you do damned if you dont. I am sitting at work and feeling like a trapped animal with so much pent up frustration that I am not sure what to do first. All of the usual stress relievers seem to only make it worse. Drinking does nothing for me, I dont want to exercise and even the thought of it makes me annoyed, having a smoke only makes my mind wander more and I have no desire to eat.

I even spoke with a therapist about it and I am going back in about a week but happy pills wont fix the problem. I am in a place that I am unfamiliar with and having a hard time finding my way. I know it is only a phase and I will look back on this and only scoff at myself for being or thinking like this. But this is the here and now and I have having a hard time with it.

I am not sure where to put all of this, I am trying to put some of it here with hopes that looking back on it I might find a clue that I have been over looking. When my mind starts to wander it tends to find the darkest corners of my mind to fester. I am in a funk that has a serious grip on me.

What to do what to do? I am not sure, but right now I do not want to do anything at all, just sit here and stare at my computer. And it seems the more I stare the more I type out whatever drivels out of my head. Stress is a dangerous thing that very few seem to understand or know how to coupe with. Now, how to end a post that really had no beginning? Maybe put some pictures or something funny I found on the I really dont feel like it. Maybe just delete the whole thing and forget about I did not go through all the trouble of logging on here and typing this out to just erase it.

I am just going to end it and go get a cup of coffee and try to just let things fall where they may and not ponder things soooo much. It is as if my mind fills in the blanks with what could be when in reality they probably are not so. I put up on my fridge the other day a quote from a movie I know all to well, I was drunk when I did it but it still rings in my ears:

Losing all hope is freedom.

The wife unit asked why I put that there and I could not really answer it as well as I wanted to. It is complicated and it does not mean I have no hope or dreams. As long as i am still breathing I will always have them. But to me it means just letting go, and letting things be as they are. Stop trying so hard, stop adding things to the unknown trying to make sense of it all. Losing all control is freedom, turning off and just letting things be what they are can possibly help. Typing this out is actually helping and I didnt even have to pay a co-pay for it lol.

But I will add one picture, an old one I might have already posted. But it is I how I spend my down time at work:


Breigh said...

Damn, I hope you feel better soon! If you ever want an emotionally uninvolved party to talk to just drop me a line! :) I know allllll about the zombie staring at the computer feeling :P

Angel said...

Sorry :( We've all been there and luckily, it DOES get better. ((Hugs))

Hammy said...

This blog has been temporarily renamed "Feeling stressed, bummed, slammed but not quite paranoid." Hopefully we will be returned to the normal programming shortly.

Chin up.

Anonymous said...

ey man its doug... not gonna tell its all gonna be ok or hope you feel beter because sympathy doesnt help problems.they are more of a problem's spectators which will affect nothing. but i am going to tell you that venting always helps. im going through the same but you have more at stake than me,but the whole relationship part has me drowning in 200 feet of water and all i have in my hand is a bottle of avion.stress, relationships, and the unknows so conveniently assosiated with everyday's tomorow has a sick sense of humor. but you are right, its just better to let thing fall in their place and work with what you have. if you are dealt a shitty hand just play it out and hope no one takes a bathroom break, because that just delays the next set of cards that are coming your way. keep you head up man, and ill do the same.