Saturday morning meeting bagels....yum yum...can u smoke poopy seeds to make it go faster? 

Now make sure you get both of them. 

Friday fun

What an interesting Friday i have had. I am not sure if i mentioned it but i am in the security field, u know chasing skaters,salesmen, Mormons, and geese away.
Anywhooo today i have had my hands full with some of the fun things that cum along with my brass made of plastic( and no i am not a mall cop lol). For starters we had a butt fire in one the dildo shaped smokers bin we have out in the front of our building. Funny thing, it did not take much to put it out and the people reporting it just walked by it laughing. Yeah it would be even funnier if it caught on fire and someone got burnt. i would start rollin on the floor if one of these suites caught on fire from the damn cigars they smoke. Trying to impress everyone by leaving the ring on it while they are smoking it. Yeah buddy i look soooo cool smoking that Cohiba there, but boy do u smell like a dirty ass afterwards; here is a hint - its called a smokers jacket lol. Anyway, as u can tell i am no fan of corporate retards. With a little bit of hope their lifestyles have made them sterile. lol. These are the kinda people who point out problems but never give any useful input on how to fix it. Then they feel so proud they did something for once they want to tell everyone that will listen, "yeah i save someone today, i saw a car acciedent and call 911......did i stay and help?.....no, it caught fire and i might have gotten hurt, or worse,,,been late for work! I just told the operator where it was and she thanked me and hung up. Man if feel like a million today, maybe i should volunteer to help people or something......What, u dont get paid.....bump that ...hehehehe i have done my good deed for my life time." That is probably a typical conversation at the water cooler in the world of thin wrist cubical dwellers.
Got to love them, easy targets, u can spot them a mile away by the downward glance, ipod, backpack or crappy brief case, and usually walk ten two.(pigeon toed). such easy pickings, hell i bet they have never had to ran for thier lives. and i think it is our duty to help them out and get back into the real gene pool. next time u see one point at him/her and scream in your loudest voice," It is your day to die!!!!!!!" ( make sure they know u are addressing them) and chase them around the subway, park or where ever u see one. Dont actually do anything too painful or irreversible but put the fear back into their lives. Without the threat of death what is the point of living; we will give them something worth talking about around the cooler the next day. if u can i would advise video taping it and getting a bunch together and call it "geek-er-sice" how to get that weak pulse up in 5 seconds flat. one could make millions on this lol, hell id pay to see it lol. these ppl have been terrorized their whole teenage lives, lets bring back the fun they had then to the now. wedgies, swirlies, dog shit under their car door handles. they loved the abuse then soo lets keep the geek world happy, scare a geek today!
Wow that was a bit of a rant but oh well that is what i am here to do. Most ppl tell me to go away when ever i start a rant but here one can do this allllll day. Honestly not sure if anyone reads it but as long as one person does and gets a giggle its alll good.
But again on my job......we got to chase a salesman away today. He was taking pictures of our facility without permission and we had to chase his ass down. To bad we do not have any kinda weapons, Nothing lethal, but something make him never forget this day. Dont mess with flash light cops they are underpaid, pissed off, divorced, broke and not in the mood to deal with some shit head giving him an attitude about where not to park. Not a good idea in my book, once u have lost everything u are now free to do anything....think about that the next time u flip off some dude for cutting u off hehehehee. me personally i got plenty to lose and will not mess with ppl but u get someone who got nothin......your face may resemble your ass soo.

Its the urban-monstrosity! 

not in my nieghborhood! 

work wall clock...says homerisims on the hour...i love " feeling stoopid?....i know i am.." 

New low for the ever growing fast food chugger. 

Target...the store of stores.

I went to my mecca yesterday, Target and bought a few things with my re-activated store card. ( To be honest its my wife's card hehe)It feels sooo nice to scratch a new card for the first time. Exspecally when its on exsersice equipment heheheheeh. The wife and myself bought the Ab lounge, even set it up and got started on our hard abs for the summer all in the same day. I believe in the power of info-mercials and all they say is true. I can get abs in 6 minutes, make my own doughnuts, fix buttons like a pro and even cut hair like a true salon stylist. Why would they lie to me???? If its on tv it has to be true ;-D. Tounge in cheek huh, got to love it .
But as we walked around with my most resent tool to a brad bitt body i saw something that boggled my mind; in the car isle. We saw phone charges, floor mats and cup holders. But what befell my eyes is par for the course of the ever growing lazy human.It was a french fry holder u attach to your dash. WTF, are your thighs sooooo over stuffed that u have to have a seperate holder for your fast food. Hell when I do stop to feed that addition called fast food I do not need a special holder in my car. Here is a novel idea, get out of your car, walk up to the counter, get it to go and eat it outside somewhere. We as men need to take into account for our own fat butts. Simple steps can help keep that bay window and spare tire away. I know most of us will never be Arnolds but at least keep the man tittes away. Take some Hydroxycut with that meal to make it a little better, or better yet smoke some meth to help speed up your metaboliosm as u eat.
But I do like any and all diet pills that are fueled with powerfull uppers. Try this new product called Redline,whooooohoooo. Talk about legal speed. You dont need to go to dealers and get crap u have no idea what it is. Go to health food stores and but any diet pill that has not been given the seal of approval from the FDA. That means its going to be good hehehehehehehehehehehe and most likely will want to run a million miles an hour and talk for hours to anyone who will listen to u. Redline does just that, u feel like god damn superman. You will sweet profusly, talk like a rambling idiot, and be compeled to drink water until it comes out as fast as u can out it in. Now if u try this and have some werid medical condition and die dont come to me cryin. Read all lables before injesting anything , ass. Dont blame me or anyone else for your short commings." He told me to do it, I did it and now I'm all fucked up." That sound familiar? Did he force u to take it, hold u down and funnel it in? The odds are no and only person left to blame is you! But I could go on forever about people and their want to be free of all blame for their actions but fuk it. Let them all get cancer and die, see if I can. If u use any product I mentioned here and die I get all your stuff and that includes animals, children and wife/husbands. There is a large demand for humans for medical testing in Mexico. Jose can get a good price on them, so go ahead and use them.....I do and look how well I am dong. I think I should as Anna Nicole Smith to let me be in a commercial with her .....Forget Trimspa....I think we will push heroine this time. Ever seen a fat junkie?????

I built my panty thief bear hehehehe. 

I was confused at work today when they blocked off my door Edgar Allen Poe style. 

Rain in NJ

Tits a wet day and the pool will be a mess by the time I get home. But that is ok it will give me something to do rather than slowly slip into the madness of suburbia life. I have to learn not to put things off so much and actually get my ass in gear. Summers almost here and I am out of shape and soon to be a shape if I don't do something about it. I don't want to be one of those dads whos tits are bigger than his wives and sitting shirtless on the beach. I love going shirtless and would like for once to have something to show heheheheheheh. Maybe I can get abs tattooed on lol, hey its worth a shot for a laugh :-D. Time to get a lot of my shit together and get on top of my game. No more of this mickey mouse BS and " ill get to it....someday". I just wish my energy levels were better, but wait.....there is hope. Ephedrine will be back this summer and all can enjoy its warming glow, like the one u get from the heat lights at KFC, that keep my greasy delights warm all day.mmmmmm chicken.....mmmmm POPEYE'S.....mmmmmm.......Lubricated door with old chicken fat ....hhhhhmmmmmmmmm....chicken fat........Crunchy.....
But with my friend Hydroxycut I shall see and reap the rewards of six pack abs and not the doomed keg gut. The Jersey shore is plagued too much as it is with aging teenagers with hairy stomachs. Ever notice the belly button grows right along with them lol. I wonder if they ever hide their baggies in there when the go out to get some papers at quick check? It looks like a good place to put your white owl specials to dry out....lol.

New pool

As you can see we have a pool, whoooohoooooo. We bought it at our favorite store in the whole wide world : Target...and it is not pronounced TARSHAY. We are not in freakin France last I checked. hehehehehe. It was the biggest one they had in stock. But I am sure it is the biggest one they make that comes in a box and goes up in 45 minutes. 

It took about 45 minutes to put up, but it took about 15 extra minutes to get the damn thing out of the box lol. Did not factor that in Mr. Poolman, but that was not the biggest hurdle. The only problem that we have had so far is that you have to have at least 3 people to do this. The is no way in hell one person could have done this alone. 

First of all the box weighs a fucking ton, well more like 120lbs and some change. Secondly, putting up the walls of the pool has to be done in sections and the moment you put one up; the other falls. If I could have been sitting back watching myself do this in the beginning I would have laughed. But lucky for me the wife came to the rescue.

Let me tell you a little about my little woman( she is little 5'2"me 6'2", and never call her an Umpalompa she hates that). This woman is the assembly king/queen, she can single handily put IKEA furniture together. Now that is a woman you marry! If I try I always end up breaking parts out of frustration because it will not fit( because it does not belong in that hole.......;-D ), or because after of 30 minutes of screwing and fitting I learn that I have to take it all apart . I missed a step somewhere along the line and that was apparently a very important step .

Now with her help we were able to put our "pool in a box" up in no time flat. Now came the hard part, filling the beast with a little yellow garden hose that leaked. My 2 year old loved the mud the leaky hose was making and always found a way to end up in the mud no matter who was watching him. For those of you with no kids they are all born with the Harry Houdini magic. One second they are sitting playing nice and the BAM they are 20 ft from where they were 2 seconds ago, knee deep in mud having a dirt taste testing contest with themselves.

But I can only laugh at that , mud washes off and all is well. The pool took about 3 days to finally fill up. We did not leave it on continually out of fear of drowning out the backyard. We turned it on when we got home from work and turned it off when we went to sleep.

With filter attached, chemicals bought, cover on and skimmer ready to go all we need know are some warm days to climb in. We had to clean it several times since being filled and we have not even gotten in once. I was going to climb into the pool to clean it but after 2 seconds outside in my trunks my brains started to loss function. It was tooo damn cold to even stand in the puddles by the pool, forget climbing in and playing polar bear. Let us not forget the biting wind that was whipping around.

This has got to be one of the best pucrases this summer for maximum summer time fun. I would advise anyone with some space to buy one, only if you are not lazy and/or hate to maintain things. Yes I mean you Mr. I only change my oil in the car when the light comes on, or ill do it when it finally falls off and is now a danger to the public and can cause serious reproductive harm if u sit in it. Pools require a great deal of attention and work, let it go for too long and it will be ruined. This is our first shoot at this so here is for hoping for a good time and many more summers to come.

clean pool 

ready to clean pool 

Work

Why can't I find a job worth getting out of bed for? I have had many jobs and worn many hats (and I mean that literally). Personal trainer was one of my favs but I hated (and still hate) doing sales, but loved working with people "trying" to get fit. The story of my life lol, but I did not like harassing people around the gym to buy my services and ended up working the juiced bar. All the free protein I could handle, which was rather a large amount.

And yes large quantities of protein and exercise will make you big. But one problem, at least for me anyway, it is not cheap. Those gym rats shelled out 4 bucks a glass for one freakin glass, and not to mention giving me a tip too. ;-) 

I also got some fringe benefits from working at a health food store. When ever new products came in the would just throw out the old stuff. Not that it was bad or anything just old, and I would just help myself. Here is a note to and aspiring body builders short on cash for supplements, get a job at a health food store or juice bar. I was going one gram of protein per body weight and not spending a dime. 

Pretty cool , and to top it off I got to try all the new supplements that hit the market for free. This is where I meet my friend ephedrine. What a wondrous drug, oh happy days lol. But this job did not last for it was a second job only and my primary one was dragging me me down. And since the divorce was finally done with I could get back to a normal routine. 

From there I thought about going to become a bartender on the weekends but the idea of being around smokers all the time was not to appealing. I used to smoke and the whole reason I stopped was because of the freakin smell. I cannt stand the smell of it, but ohhhh do I still crave that wondrous feel of all those chemicals racing through my veins lol. Just seeing someone on TV with one can bring back old cravings, but once I get a whiff of it; its alllll over. I still sneak a smoke now and again( during times of stress) but I limit them to only a few. I do enjoy a good Cohiba cigar, and yes i think I misspelled that. LOL. I have to be the worst speller on the planet and just to lazy to press a key to spell check. Tuff sheet for you, hehehehehehehe.

I never pursued a career as a bar keep but just stayed at my current job where I got promoted WHOOHOOO. Only due to the fact the boss before me left and I was the only one really in the know of how the office worked. So it was "who the hell can do this?" and "who the hell is going to train them?" I was the the easiest way out of a possible disaster and besides the one guy they hired for he spot screwed up two operation systems in one day. He basically walked out the door on the second day and never came back, it was tooooo funny. But my new found job and responsibilities was nowhere near funny or fun. I can't complain about the money but I sure as hell can complain about being on call 24/7 for all problems. 

I was now the site manager for one of the largest accounts my company had and I was in charge of everything........payroll, schedules, call-outs, over time, special coverages and anything else they could dish out. It was not long before I was envious of people working assembly lines with mind numbing/soul crushing jobs. But it did give me a since of pride that I could do it and that I was finally "da boss" Then they gave me my first business cards. I nearly shit myself with excitement, no education but h.s. no real work history and no demeanor that said corporate worker. There I was in the American dream, all but the corner office LOL. I do have one but it is not mine alone ,,,, yet!!

I can not bitch to much about my job but it is still a drag and I have to bring myself out of the white man nightmare that has consumed me, almost completely. I am not my job and I do not work to meet an end. I work to afford my habits, wife( 1 and one ex), kids( 2 of them), cars, and all the things that come along with the consumer's way of life.

New territory

I am welcoming myself to a new and strange world of blogging. Today is my blogs first day and would like to commemorate it with a moment of pure unadulterated white noise...................................................................ah enough of that hehehehhhehe. I hope for this to be the beginning of a new chapter for me in this wonderous world of inter porn and and online cyber sex. It seems like only yesterday that I was trying to use a payphone to call one of the sex lines you see in the back of your dads hustler mag lol. If I had the internet when I first discovered porn I might have never gone outside and lived a real life lol. Much like the little thin wristed, coke bottle glassed, pasty kids I see now slurrping down lattes and avoiding the outdoors like me avoiding religious people .