About Me

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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Yes off-eye-ser eyes been drinkin....

Well sometimes being in the wrong mind space can get you into trouble. The other night I was coming home from class and was just pondering my up coming class when all of a sudden those cherry lights popped on in my rear view mirror. I was pretty sure I was speeding but the radar detector made no indication he was showing his radar love. So I pulled over and waited for the 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' line. It did not take long and my response was a calm, 'No officer I do not.' Not wanting to admit to anything I was not 100% on I stuck with that. He asked for the usual, but I had an ace in my deck.
I have (had) and PBA card from a friend that is a cop in our town. Well the nice officer told me he was pacing me, hence the silent radar spotter, and got me going 60 in a 25! Oh fuck me! But after a few minutes of polite conversation he let me go with a warning and took the card. I thanked him and drove away slowly.....
In all honesty I was not paying any attention to my speed or who was behind me. Usually I at least notice the lights behind me, I dont need a radar detector to tell me what cop head lights look like lol.
I had to run home and find my updated insurance card, as it turned out the one I had in my car was expired. So again I thank my luck stars that this ended well. Always be polite to the cops and never be overly arrogant with a PBA card. I never flashed the card out at him, it just soooo happened to be in front of my drivers license.
'Wow, how did that get there?'
Lesson learned, never drive out of a college that has real cops as security guards in auto pilot. They love an easy ticket, and I will not let them get me. Just because I will not be speeding by there any time soon or park in any areas I am not supposed to be or blow a stop sign. There are tons of stop signs all over the campus, and they are just waiting for you to do a 'rolling stop'
And during this entire post I was thinking of RangerTom, and in keeping up with that I give you this. Just something I stole from god knows where on the internet. And to get this picture you had to have seen the last Batman movie. And to truly get this picture you have to understand this line:
'In their desperation they turned to a man they truly did not understand'

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Apples and Tomatoes......

Yes I missed Monday but that is due to that damn place called college. I will be sooooo glad when its all over. I went straight to school after work yesterday to get some things taken care of that I left hanging. I got some paper work for my student loan, my college i.d., my parking decal and got my student library card. I am a college boy/man now! I have also learned that the college library is also the place to go when one needs a nap, at least they are quiet.

I have to get back to my work-work and school work so i will just post the pictures of our apple picking outing we did on Sunday. Devon, my oldest, was going to go to but he asked to stay with his mother to sleep. It seems they were out late the night before and wanted to sleep in. Man i wish I could sleep in!

I found my favorite apple! They were called "Mystery Apples" The owners said they are not sure as to what these apples are, they do not fall into any of the normal classifications of apples. But they are the best tasting apples I have ever had. And they were the only ones we took home with us.


We also picked these little orange tomato thingies. They two were freakin yummy, right off the vine! I am soooo country right now, ha!


Ask a monkey to pose and you get a posed monkey.


Apples as far as the tounge can feel!


Little man on an apple mission.


Taking a much needed sit among the tomatoes, you know the spell checker says that I have been spelling 'Tomatoes' correctly but I cannt shake the feeling I am spelling it wrong.....has something to do with potato and the letter 'E'.......


I know this post is crappy at best but for the next two years I really wont have much time to plan them out or even think about what I type before I type it. I just look at the keyboard and left my fingers vomit all over the page.......

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I remembered HNT.....

Well school is what it is, I went in early last night to try and get a few things done but it took so freaking long to find a parking spot that by the time I finally found one and trekked all the way over to the office, it was closed. Yesterday was a really bad day on many levels, of which I am not going to get into because today is a new day so lets start over.
I had my computer class last night and for the first time since I started college I actually learned something that I can use in the real world. We are learning how to use Excel, and to be honest if you want to get anywhere in the office world you really need to know how this works. I have self taught much of what I know on Excel. It is not an easy program to use, you really have to know what you are doing to get anything done. Unlike Word, where you can pretty much finger it out as you go alone, Excel has tons of features that really can only be used once you have mastered them. This will probably be one of the most useful class I have taken to date! But I have TONS of work to do before next week so I am ending this post very shortly. I have a short paper to write, which will be done today, 2 chapters from my computer class and 2 Excel project to do. So with my time short I will bring out my HNT contribution:

These are the pants I wore to class last night. I made them like this like 3 years ago when I was a fat red neck for Halloween. The wife hates them but they are freak comfy!

Happy HNT everyone, I want to see more of you play along damn it...well mainly the women that is ....haha.....

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Old Money.....

I had to do a watch at this exclusive country club last night for a golf outing for my job. Yes at the end of the day I am just an over paid security guard, lol. But any way, I was asked to stand watch over two trucks that had the prizes that where to be given out the next day. These trucks were as secure as any trucks could be and I parked my car in a way that if anyone tried to drive away with them they would have to go through it first.

So with my booty on lock down I went about poking around. I will not put the name of the location out of fear someone goggling the name and coming here but let me tell you this place reminded me of the movie 'Caddy Shack'. The only difference is that they do not have caddies anymore. I was going to take a few pictures but it was really dark and my camera sucks when it comes to low light setting.

I wandered the club house up and down, and the only thing it seemed to be missing where the 'Whites Only' signs. I am sure they still have a few from the old days hidden away in the owners office some where. They probably take them out now and again and chuckle over them while sipping their Johnny Walker.

And since I was part of the little people, the other little people gave me the key to the kitchen, aaaahhhh fucking yeah! I did not go hungry that night ha!

But as I wandered around the place I started to get pissed, because this is what I want. I want to have the money to join something like this, not that I will fit in but just to belong and know a redneck from Alabama covered in tattoos belongs to a country club. This is part of my motivation to get school over and done with, a degree can help me get to much much deserved CEO status. I am not a snob or think I really belong amongst these people, I just want to stand tall in their midst and know once upon a time I was the guy parking their cars and watching them while they slept.

I guess as time goes on being the tank at the party isnt what I want to be known for forever. Yes Homer Simpson is my idol and Peter Griffin too, but I also want to have that knowledge I am a card carrying WASP. Well, except I am not a Protestant nor do I belong to any form of organized religion. If they ever come up with a religion of chaos and anarchy then I might, but then again probably not I am not one to follow any group of people.

Part of my ascension to the awesome American dream; I am in the hopper to become a Mason, this too might help with my new me. I know I do not fit the normal mold of what all of these things stand for but that is what makes my change that much more awesome. I am all for going against the grain and being that unique butterfly. Conformity to me is boring, part of the reason I got inked was a silent rebellion against it. I keep them in places I can still cover up when needed but also in places when I want to I can show them off.

I guess in the end I have always wanted to be part of the upper realm of the American Dream, working numerous shit jobs I got to see how the other half lives and now I want to live it too. I was not born with the silver spoon or a trust fund so my dream will be much harder to earn, but I do not think I would want it any other way.

I am bummed I did not take any pictures of this place but I did get one while driving in....and yes I know driving and taking pictures is a bad idea but cruise control wasn't made just to save gas yeah know.....



I thought that cloud looked like some evil ghost coming down from the sky, or the angel of death or something. Yeah I have a vivid imagination lol.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Eyes in Skool now....

I have been back to skool now for almost a 2 weeks and I want to cry! It isnt that I cannt do it or that its hard, I just dont want to do it. I am taking on 3 night classes and one Saturday morning class for this semester: Tues is health, Weds is a computer class, Thurs is a Lit class and Sat is a math class.....and not the fun math. Nothing but freakin word problems, of all things WORD PROBLEMS! But all of his test and even the final are take home, open book so I dont think it will be all that bad. He said we can use whatever resources we can find but we can not work with other classmates. Fair enough for me.

And with all this new work most of my free bullshitting time is being take up. Last time I was in skool I just about stopped blogging because of that. I will try not to die out again I will just have to alacate my time beter. One project I am working on in my health class is that she wants us to change a behavior in our lives, document it and then write a paper on it. I am doing mine on procrastination. I am awesome at putting things off to the last minute but with taking on 4 classes I really cannt do that now. I have started by making daily list of things I want to get done and checking them off as I finish them. So far it has been helping, and also helping not forget to do everyday things as well.
I do have to get back to my list of things that have to get done, but I did want to share one thing from this weekend.....
Our water cooler broke so we went out to Target to get the one they had on sale. They only had one left so grabbed it right up and went home. But I did get a real kick out of one of the selling points:
Got to love dirty minded fools that work in marketing!
(ps...I did not proof read any of this post, feel free to correct me on everything lol)

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Labor day Weekend.....

For the last hurrah for the summer so we all decided to go to Seaside Heights, NJ. It was to be the last party of the summer, so to do it right I thought I would go down a list of things that needed to be done. Number one on the list of things to do was to clean out the fridge of all summer booze. For the past month I have really let it all hang out and now once again it is time to tighten up the old belt. School is in session, started last Thursday, so have to keep the old thinker clear. So what better way to get rid of it thank pouring down the old pie whole?

Boone's Farm slushy an one? Not bad but one draw back to frozen drinks.....brain freeze!



I also had a lone soldier in the frig, and cannt leave a man to stand alone for the long months to come. I joined him up with a few buds on a 'Goodbye to Summer' tour! All hail Sailor Jerry!


That was Saturday night, then Sunday we got all packed up along with our neighbors Pete and Monica and headed to the shore. Here we have them getting some typical Jersey shore nummies! And yes if you come down to Guido-ville Heights this is a must stop!


We did anticipate the cold but where in a rude awaking at how cold it really was! We ended up buying a few articles of clothing to help ward off the chill. The ocean how ever was a no go, due to the dangerous undertow we have been having. Last week a 16 year old kid, who was in waist deep water got dragged out by the undertow and drown. So needless to say there was to be no swimming even if you were brave enough to go in the ice cold waters.


One of my favorite things to do while on outings is take pictures, as one might guess. And anytime you go to this boardwalk you have to get a shot of this guy:


And you also have to keep your camera handy for priceless shots like this:


And this:
(Gives a whole new meaning to wind between my wings....or is that beneath my wings.....)

There were a couple of really cool high flying rides on the piers. But they wanted $20 a ride! Screw you with something hard and sandpapery! I am all for thrill rides but not if I have to cough of 20 smackers for one ride! I thought they would have had an end of summer deal, but no dice!


People watching is so much more entertaining when you have a camera on hand. I sure hope he isnt going commando under his turban turned dress.....


Here we have a wonderful family shot of the wife unit and Seth....Arrggghhhh Me wants some bootie!


Arrrrrgggghhhh wait me change me mind!
Same shot, whole new look! Here we have Pete being Pete.....I sure hope that peg leg of his was well sanded!


The whole clan here trying so hard to win something. After all was said and done only one person won, a huge bag of Sour Patch Kids....oh boy SUGARonSUGAR!


One fun aspect of the Jersey shore in the level of corniness you will find. And often times it is worn loud and proud on tourist. Just take a look at out our little guido friend's sweat shirt. If you cannt read it, its says:
'Everyone Loves an Italian Girl'
Wow, really man are you that whipped?


Find Waldo.....I mean me.....find me....
Love comes in all shapes and sizes. They were a cute couple and you could tell he loved every inch of her.


But on the other had this would be toooo much for me. Ever heard of the old expression, 'Dont bite off more than you can chew'? Well here might be part of where it came from.......


Every so often I come across a real vintage board walk money scam. Here we have one of the earliest coin hustlers from back in the day. You put money in, squeeze and it lights up. You dont have to steal people's money, just add some lights, a few funny sayings and people will gladly give it away. But I must say I do love this old gimmicks, its like a look back in time when smoking was considered sexy and when saying 'Hun you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.' Was not as dirty as one would think.....and if you get that joke you are cool in my book, now buy me a beer.


Lucas loves the lights, the wheels and the fact you put in coins(credits) and you get to mash buttons. Slowly but surely he is being groomed to love the casinos......and if you believe that smoking is a starter drug not weed.....hahahahaha

One must be ready at all time to snap that picture worth sharing with everyone. And here is one, notice the difference with Miss Modesty with Miss Booty. Did I mention it was cold that day?


But, in all the main reason for me taking my camera was to catch gems like this that will forever capture my heart:

And Lucas just being Lucas.....these are the pictures i will look back years from now to remember them as little ones.....and to know that I am sooooo glad they are grown and out of the house!
Having a sack on your chin is often looked down upon in college terms but in kid terms its all about the sack on the chin!

We did win a few items for those horrible crane games that make you insane enough to keep putting money in until it fucking gives you that stuffed animal that cost .99cents but just ran you $5 to get it out. But once you got it, its yours to molest and fondle......here take a look at the proper way to use your hard earned bootie:

I was unaware that playing poker was all that stressful, but maybe she plays a real no holes bard Poke-Her I am not familiar with. What ever the case she was too pooped to poop.
And surprisingly she was the only one that slept on the way back. But a good time was had by all and we will probably be going back to the beach this fall and winter. They have some great deals on games for the kids and it sure as hell beats the pants off of Chucky Cheese any day!
PSS....
Lucas's Birthday was yesterday he is now 3! God give me patience....lots and lots of it!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

HNT, beach addition....

I decided to wait on my vacation post because it was full of HNT pictures......naw to be honest I am just lazy and thought that excuse sounded better than the truth. And aint dat da toof?

We had a blast and it was sad to have to leave that beautiful beach house we rented. 2 bed rooms, 1.5 bathrooms, washer dryer and all the things one might think come with a real house. No there was no room service and no there was no pool but hell I like to cook my own food and who needs a pool when you have an ocean? We got there at like 0500hrs on Sunday morning, took a little nap then hit the ground running by going to the beach. There was no time for sleeping, i was on fucking vacation. And I wanted to cram as much fun and drinking in as I could before I had to face reality a week later!

Here we have my oldest, Devon getting ready to go into the water. The hurricanes off shore cased some cray waves and one hell of an under tow. I got pulled out once but nothing new to me. One must know how to handle the ocean if you want to play in it.


There where tons of surfers and body boarders, and man do I love a girl in a Speedo but this one had me puzzled. I thought she was a he until I saw his boobs show through the shirt. 'Her' look said man but her hidden features said woman. Why oh why would he/she hide it?


In the middle of this picture we have Seth and the wife unit. We had Seth in a Speedo life vest anytime he went in. His swimming abilities have grown and so has his confidence. But he is still no match for mother nature, lets just say it would take him less than 5 minutes to end up 100 yards down the other end of the beach.


Here we have Lucas, the little water bitch. He spent the entire time in the sand. He wanted NOTHING to do with the ocean. He would scream like you were trying to kill him if you took him to the waters edge. He did not want to see it, feel it or be anywhere near it. So he sat in the sand all week trying to find new areas to hide sand in.


And this is your brain on the Navy, Doug did not have off this week but he did come down everyday after work. He said this is the most time he has ever spent here at the beach.WTF! You live here and never come here, man oh man if I was single and living near the beach you bet your ass I would be here every waking second I could. But then again that is just me, I love the beach.


This is pretty much the life I would love to lead. Beach, surf and sand but I have yet to find a way to make money doing it. And since Virginia has made begging illegal I will have to look else where.


This is your childs brain on junk food, study it, remember it and never forget it...


Vacation is a time for kicking your heels up, sitting back and knocking back enough booze to make you swear off it until the next one. And in all honesty after a week of breakfast beers, mid-day rum and nightly car bombs I am all boozed out. Not saying I have not had a drink or two since I have been back but the level has dropped wayyyyyyyy down.


Brothere and sister having another heart felt moment of who is right and who is wrong, funny thing is after 30 some odd years of this you would think they would have both just given up and agreed to disagree.


Doug had off Friday so Thursday night we (me, wife and doug) all went out to meet some of his navy buddies. The first place we went to we played pool and had some drinks. By the way I really suck as this game....


I am beginning to wonder if Doug and some sort of growth on his hand, almost all pictures I have of him he is holding a beer of some sort .......


Great family photo, man are we tan or what!


See, there is that growth I was talking about!


Irish Car Bombs.....and lots of them! If I was more than 10% Irish I might find this drink's name offensive......naw not really I just want to say that lol.

From there we went to a place called the Ready Room, which by the way is some sort of Navy term for the room they get ready in.....go figure! Lots of drinking was done here but no harm and no foul. But it did have one of the rudest and nastiest bar maids I have ever seen. She was a bitch with a capital BITCH! I swear if I wasn't so drunk and could have made a coherent sentence without spitting on everyone,I would have told that cunt off.....yeah she was that bad!


Yep Lucas and the sand again.....


What on earth, how did that get in my camera?


Its time for a shower Mr.Sandy!


We went to the local aquarium and poked around, not bad but in all honesty you seen one you have seen them all. The only really cool part was the 3-D Imax theater show. It was to funny watching the little ones trying to grap at things that where not really there, it was like watching children on LSD lol.


Typical tourist!


On the same day Doug and myself went out for 9 holes or golf. He got a discount due to his active duty status and we even got the cart! Which was great because we where the only ones there so that meant lots of horsing around!


If you look really closely you can see that my fly is open........

(ha made you look)

On our last night we went out to the strip to do some shopping and to make fun of the locals. And their inability to follow their own bullshit. You see there are these signs all over the place about what you cannt do, but it only seems to apply the things they dont agree with. They have these rules about no cursing, nothing obscene, no loitering, no littering, no soliciting, no cruising and no this and no that. But on one of the street corners we came across this street preacher screaming about hell and damnation. And that we did not need a 401k, a job, a car or anything else as long as we had some guy named jesus in our hearts. They where also handing out there flyer's about how their imaginary friend could beat up yours. Now stay with me here, these people where break just about every rule the very sign they where standing under!
1) No cursing, he was cursing up a storm about how our way of life was wrong. And how his was right, yeah ok people that preach the loudest often have more skeletons in there closets than most.
2) Obscene, I found that fact this guy was using his children at that time of the night to push his religion on everyone obscene.
3)Loitering, this jack ass was the reason these laws were put into place. To keep wack jobs from standing in one place and spewing hate filled rants about how gays and whores are taking over the earth.
4)Littering, those little pamphlets they were handing out went from their hands to the hands of people walking by to the floor in less time than it takes to fart.
5)Solicitation, come on now do I have to spell this one out too?
I was going to start my own rant right next to him but the joke would have been wasted, people like this have no sense of humor. But next time I see one of this guys I am going to start a rant about how DVD and Blueray has killed the VCR and how the internet is slowly making humans sterile. That should get their goat ha!

But after that performance we ran into another one that was much more entertaining, Arron Bonk I think his name was. He called himself an object manipulator....he juggles things. He had some comedy; adult and child friendly so everyone got a laugh. He was good, and even played off one mistake. He wasnt perfect but he put on a good show, and besides he has this cute chick that did fire tricks! Do you remember that I said Virginia has made being a bum illegal? Our friend Mr. Bonk told us how, you see along with all the other laws this nazi police state has they also have this law about tipping being illegal. Hmmm, wtf does that mean? Well, you are not allowed to give money to someone for nothing, aka-the tip. So bums are breaking the law when they ask for money to buy their crack. So to get around this, law that was purposly set up to get ride of bums, street performers dance around this law with a little slight of hand. He gives you a 2cent post card if you give any amount of money for his performance. Before all they would do is pass a hat around and we would drop some money in to show we liked what he was doing. But since the law makers are hell bent on controling every part of our world, men with some common sense have learned how to get around these rules. I love it when rules are made and people are able to leagally get around them by using loop holes. Man you got to love it.

Below you will see me on the prowl in the crowd with my camera, no clue who she was, just some stranger holding up the wall.....


If you have ever been to Virginia Beach you will know where this is:


Here we have have wife unit and Lucas, the kids really like the show. Cannt blame them any man that can handle that many balls at once will have my full attention.


But the vacation is over and I am wishing it wasnt, but hey I am here to save up for the next one! If I lived like I was on vacation all the time it would loss its magic and start to seem like work at some point. We all wish life was a vacation all the time but keep in mind, all those people that make our happiness possible look at us like the way we look at our co-works......'God not them again'....one persons paradise is another persons hell.....
On a work related note:
one of our major computers that I use on a daily basis went down! I mean it crashed in a way no computer should ever crash. And when I asked how it happened, the guy from Dell said: These things just happen.
Man isnt that the story of my life lol!