I am one who never has problems with his feelings, I try not to even think about them. I have gotten better over the years with expressing them and not letting them getting all bottled up to the point I pop. I have snapped a few times and its always not a pretty sight. But it always gets really worse during this hyped up holiday.
I have never been big on this holiday because of this issue. I am not religous in any sense so that does not come into play. But all of the hussle, bussle and stress of it always makes me feel over-whelmed. Its like forced joy, and I am not feeling it. My wife always says I am a scrooge because of it. I had a few good xmasses as a child but most of them were times of stress and family fighting. Again the push to get all the years happiness into one single day that is always over in a flash. I think the Jews have the right idea and spread it out through 7 days. So it can defuse slowly.
But as this time draws closer the feelings come back and I dont like them. But I have to deal with them, I have found ignoring them makes them worse. I dont even know how to put it down in words. I just dont feel like myself. I hide my disconnect with fake smiles and warm greating. You can see my eyes and feel that I am warm to the touch, but to be honest I am not really here. (and yes I stole that line from a movie because it is about the only thing I can find that fits)
I hate it when people at work give me gifts, I feel that I have to give them something, but in the end I dont. I hate the candies, cookies and food people give us, but I eat it any way because I feel better when I eat. I cannt stand the holiday music, but I find myself singing them. I want to be happy and I want joy but I cannt seem to find it. I want my kids to have the happiness and joy associtated with the holiday. It is my problem not their's. It comes from wanting to please everyone and always feeling like I never measure up.
I am not myself so I am trying to use humor to rise my spirits. It has worked somewhat, thank you youtube and the word 'bloopers'. Today I am in better spirits and I am just taking slow steps with it. The build up to the holiday makes so many of us cranky and irritable, please people just take it slower and show some stranger a smile. The malls are already too full of hate and gumpiness.
Today is the last working day for everyone but my crew for the next 5 days. I dont mind working the holidays, its always deserted. Nothing to do but blog and surf the net. But what is also cool I am off skool for the next 2 weeks. A much needed break from this break neck speed of on line skooling.
I am also sorry for the rambling and the lack of structure here, i am blogging from home and I have 2 drunken midgets driving me to drink.....not really they are to short to drive me to the bar yet.
And since it is Firday and i am in the need of much need release I am going for the " TiTs FrIdAy!" And my cure for my holiay deprssion is coming in the form of BOOBIES!
1) See, joy!
2) Oh my Oh my Oh my!
3) Proof that god is a man or a lesbian!
4) Joe dirt is just about as manly as Chuck Norris....but in a hillbilly kind of way.
5) I am not sure but I would put money she is a he....but you know what I dont care
6) She isnt as young as she once was but never say no to the old, ugly or fat....becasue someday you will be there too....and I am not say she is any of those but she isnt a sring chicken anymore.
7) And finally.......I will let them do all the talking.....
Happy Holidays people, smile more I know I am going to try. Forget what you have to do, what you should do and just let everything go........Just imagaine everyone naked it makes me smile and often laugh out loud in public.