First snow 2008

Well it has finally hit New Jersey, yes snow. It started on Friday and kept going all through the weekend. There were many periods of rain so we did not get all that much on the ground. But with the rain came the other fun thing, Ice and assholes. Whenever bad weather hits people become instant idiots, their ability to reason just seem to fly off like a huge chunk of ice off a speeding car's roof top that an inconsiderate driver did not feel like cleaning off before hitting the highway. FYI asshole, that large chuck of ice can and does cause accidents from other idiots that freak when it hits their car.

Here is a picture I took from the front steps of my job. Doesn't everything look so clean when covered in snow......notice I said 'looks'

As the snow and ice kept piling up so did the fun. This was the last weekend before the holiday so we braved the weather and went shopping. My ex was concerned that I was going to get our son an air soft gun, don't worry about that dear....I did. A nice one too, it shots .12 bb's at 315 fps (feet per second)! It will be staying at our house so it really is both of ours lol. I wonder if she will ever find my blog and if she does I wonder if she will ever say anything about it?

On Saturday we went to the Woodbridge mall, no biggie had fun people watching and eating at Charlie Browns.

On Sunday I went to Trash Gardens Elizabeth mall with mini-me. The wife took the other one so it was just me and the baby. I had the double stroller so I had no problems. He was strapped in at the front and all my bags were in the back. Anyone with kids should get a double stroller, even if you only have one! We wandered around and did our thing and had lunch at Chile's (Sp). He did not screech too much and was over all a good boy. But every time I went into a store he would start up his bitching. He was find while we were walking around but the moment I started toward a store he would start up, no one can say he is gay...but....he does seem to have a thing for shoes....hmmmmm

Now during all of this running around and bad weather I did have a minor car issue. While trying to park my low riding Matrix in front of my house I had to ride up on a small snow embankment. And in doing so I hit a huge ball of ice. It cracked the bottom part of my bumper and knocked almost all of the plastic screws holding the bottom engine shield off. I am not sure what this thing is really for but if Toyota put it there, it has a purpose, so I had to jack up the car and lay down in freezing weather to fix it. Now I do not have the proper tools to fix it so I did my best with a bunch of zip-ties and you know what? It worked! I am not saying I was able to fix the cracked bumper, that can wait because fiber glass wont rust, or that there isn't a chance or it just falling off but for now at least it wont make that horrible scarping noise!

Also on Sunday I found this tent we have had since last summer that my mom gave the kids. I thought it would be fun to let them play in it for a moment, but now I am curious as to where I am going to keep it? Our apartment is slowly filling up to the brim with STUFF!

Today is Monday and guess what was here to greet me? More FOOD! I swear I am going to look like Dom Deluise by the time the summer hits!

God Damn Mother Fucking Peice of Shit....

Ok now that I have that out this is take two of a post I was 2 sentences away from being done with. And you know what killed it....Twilight! I was looking up some information about the characters in the movie when the site I was on froze. So I just left it alone and went about my blogging. Little did I know that since the site crashed it took out my connection with my blog. And for some reason nothing I did on my blog was saved, even the stuff i did before I went to that site. On more reason the hate that fuck-tart of a movie! I am so pissed I even forgot what sent me to that site in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok I am over it so let me see if I can post my original blog about my evening out with just myself and the wife.
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Last Friday night we went to a fancy restaurant in Rosselle Park, NJ called Solar Do Minho. Some high class Portuguese restaurant that my wife had been to with some co-workers a few months back. It was a little fancier than the places I am used to, what the fuck do you need so many spoons and forks for? Does your salad know you are stabbing it with the wrong utensil or something? But any way, I can have class when I want to; so I put on my best 'I am rich so serve me you bitch' face on and went out.

The decor in the place was very nice, and if I ever win the lottery I am going to have my house done up like this. But with a little bit more of a Tim Burton flare I think.


At the table we were at they had the wall to the kitchen done in a manner so one could watch the little people at work. I am sorry, but when I am out playing Mr. Monopoly I do not want to see the workers sweating on my meal! I know it happens but I don't want to see how the good salt is added to spice things up!


The wife wanted me to smile like a normal person for the camera, I was somewhat successful with this one:

But then again I was not completely successful!

This picture took 3 takes, the first one was of just the girls which lead to the next shot of her giving me the look of death then when I told her to smile I got this one. She doesn't care that I do the boobie shots be she didn't want a whole night of our 7 year wedding anniversary diner of her knockers. What? They love the camera!

The food here was so-so in my book. Way over priced for something I could have gotten better at a Red Lobster, and they have buffalo wings at Red Lobster!

We got shrimp in garlic suace (11.00) as an appitizer, which was very good but the main course fell well below par.

I ordered lobster tails, stuffed with crab meat (39.50)and the wife a steak dish(29.00). My lobster was rubbery and not all that, but the stuffing was good. The wife's steak was....well a steak. We did get a pitcher of white sangria, which I later found out cost $22! And to add insult to injury it had more ice than fruit!!!! Who the hell started this trend with ice and booze? I ordered a red bull and vodka once at this bar and asked for no ice. The bartender said I would be charged double. I shit you not, the same drink with no ice was going to cost me twice the amount. I now refuse to go to bars sober, if there is an outing that requires a stop at the bar I refuse to go in sober. I will take my $10 for one drink and walk a block to the liquor store and get me a whole fucking bottle!

Then after that we got dessert, the wife had a chocolate mouse that was more like death by mouse(6.50):

I had a chocolate and raspberry mouse served in a chocolate bowl with some artsy fartsy design on it. It took all of my power not to pick up the plate and lick it, hell if I am paying for it I am eating it!(7.50)

In the end we spent a whooping $153 in all! Our waiter, Lurch was not the best we have ever had. We had to flag him down half the time because most of his attention was on the large party that came in after us. But I cant really blame him there, that tip for that table was going to make his night!

But in all the night out alone with just the 2 of us was well worth the cost of the meal and we had a wonderful night. I do not recommend this place and will never go back....unless I am invited and eating on someone else's bill.

Other thing that happened this weekend is that we gave our 5 year old his first laptop....did you hear me our 5 year old has a laptop! It was my old Gateway that went to shit about 2 years ago. It has been in our closet ever since but last Monday the wife gave it to one of her IT gods at her job. He was able to breath life into it and even add a few new toys to it. It now has a wireless Internet connector thingie in it. So he can now play online in his room at cartoon network and surf for hot girls his age. Wait.....that did not sound right...so forget about that part, we need to get us some blockers on it now lol.

He took to this thing faster than a blind politician bitching about 'seeing' an SNL skit about him. I mean he knew how to work the mouse, how to get to games and everything. I am not sure but I think kinds now can learn by osmosis!

This is part of the reason I keep up with what goes on around us, so I can keep in the know with what my kids know. I am not saying I am going to be the dad trying to speak to my son in his slang of the day but I also don't want to be like my ex. And not know about some of the simple things that make up her sons world. Like not knowing what Emo is, she really did not know but our 12 year old son sure knows. He is not emo but it is part of his little world.

Here is a little test for parents of teens out there to see how 'with it' you are. I know I am not the hippest thing since adults learned about kids using banana peels to get high but I think I keep some what up to date.

Do you know what these are or how they pertain to you teens world:

1. Emo
2. Text Language: LOL, STFU, BFF, WTF, ROTFL
3. The Shocker, The Rocker or even The Spocker
4. Twilight
5. Tweaking
6. Shoes, as having to deal with cars
7. Youtube
8. Parkour
9. Myspace,Facebook,Tweeter,Stickam or even Friendster
10. WoW, as in the game.....

For each one you know give yourself 2 points, for everyone you dont know take away one point.

If you scored a 20 the odds are you know a few more than me so please dont make fun of me for using old fads or words.

If you got at lest 17 points not bad but I think you need to spend more time at the mall listing to young girls talk. But dont be to obvious about it, you might end up on a soon-to-be-sex-offenders watch list.

And anything less that that you might need to got to UrbanDictionary.com and look up some of these. Because the odds are you son has given you the shocker in just about every photo you have taken of him. One more thing.......if you dont know what myspace is go stand infront of a slow moving train and just die. Because you are so far behind the curve we are about to lap you!

Not happy....

Lost a whole post......will be back after i am done hunting down someone to stomp on!

Friday and pictures......

Well as I mentioned eariler I did loose one pound, I was a little affraid that our little trip to my wife's company party would add one instead. But I must say the only bad thing I did at the party, food wise, was the booze. Here is a picture of one of my many plates of food. Sushi, clams, oysters and some Sakie.....Sock it to me!

I did hit the ground running before I got to the food. I had 3 gin and tonics and a green apple martini before we even got to our tables. I was on a misson damn it. I knew that was going to be my last booze fest so I took full advanatge of it! But with all the liquid happiness come the need to break the seal. I lasted a good 40 minutes before running to the potty. About 5 more tonics and 2 shots of Johnny Walker Black, no Blue wtf!

But it wasnt all the booze, it was mainly from the water I drink at work. I drink about a gallon of water at work. It helps keep the food moster in me at bay, and when I say I have a food monster in me I mean I have a MONSTER!

Here we have a picture of what one would see if they were to look up while on the john. One sure fire way to tell you are in a high end place is by the bathrooms. The stales werent stales, they were little rooms with real doors and music playing. There was no worring about making noise or hoping no one sees you doing lines of coke off the toliet seat. Not that I have any inside knowledge of that......

You could even peek out of the slitts in the door to see if there was anyone around to hear you light the crack pipe or the gurgle of the bong. But the down side is that it would be really hard to get the attention of the dude in the next stale to let him know that you are a politician who wants a BJ.

Now, one of the side effects of booze is that people suddenly think they can dance. And even I will admit to that one, but this was my wife's work party so I kept my ass at my table! But I did wander around and take random pictures of what I saw. Here is a dance floor pic, nothing to really note here just people having fun.

Here is a random chow line picture. If the floor was a little more polished this might have been a really interesting picture haha!

Here we have the happy couple. More proof of why I am off the junk, look at my face! I am starting to look like John Travolta! And not the sexy Grease Travolta, more like the bloated crazy looking Pulp Fiction Travolta!

This is the wife unit and her boss. My wife says I have a crush on her, dude she's hot what can I say. My wife even used to joke about me going to see my 'girlfriend' whenever I would go to her old branch. They work in banking....ssshhhh......I cannt say which one because I dont want this info to get out there! But as far as saying I have a crush on her is a bit much, Hell I have a crush on any milf that comes in eye shot of me for crying out loud! And that includes women in blogspher ;)

And speaking of that I did get a picture of some random womans legs while wandering around in a drunkin haze. No clue who she was or is but she has a great set of legs! The kind that go all the way up too.

Now today me and the wife have reservation to this nice resturant, its our anniversay dinner. So I know how I am so today I am abusing myself. The last time I ate was at 10:30 last night, so far today all I have injested was 3 coffes, one tea and a shit load of water. I am testing my will power, I know I used to have it but as of late I cann't seem to find it. I know not eating is bad and wont be doing this on a regular basis but I need to fast a bit to do some cleaning of the gut.

And just so I dont end this post with me talking about food I will post this picture of something i found in the Bank of America's parking lot. It reminds me of this really old joke that I have passed on to my brother in law and oldest son. I hope they keep it going, I learned it when I was in the 5th grade, yes I have been nasty and vulgar for a very long time.

Joke of the day:

This guy and his girlfriend were bumping uglies like they were trying to light a fire in his 3 floor apartment. He was a little backed up so at the momment of truth the condom he was using shot off his junk. To his dismay it flew out the window and landed right out side the front door of his building. He did not want his junk out on the side and asked the kid that was standing on the corner to bring it to him.

"Hey kid I will pay you 5$ to bring that up to my room."

"what is it?"

In his hast all he could think of was,

"Its a twinkie, yeah I dropped my twinkie. Bring it back and I will pay you."

The little boy was thrilled at the thought of getting five bucks for doing much of nothing. So he did it and ran to tell his friends.

As he approached them he started laughing waving the bill in the air. His friends asked,

"whats so funny?"

And to that he replied,

"This guy just gave me 5 dollars to bring his twinkie back up to his place but I got him, I sucked out the cream before I gave it back!"

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Now that I have ruined you day here is the picture that brought this little peice of childhood back to the surface:

Just a fast funny:

I will be posting pictures up soon, work has been busy and home life crazy so I have had little pc time. But to let everyone know I did lose ONE POUND! Whooooohoooo! I am so stoked I did not gain, exspecially after that Xmass party! It was awesome, too much booze too much food! I will be back probably Firday to do that post. So until then take a look at this funny my wife sent me:

your educational emails over the past year.


Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.




I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.


I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.


Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...


Have a wonderful day.....

Sorry I could not leave without post at least one picture I took. I think it came out pretty damn good considering I was about 12 sheets in the wind when I took it....did I mention they had an OPEN BAR!?!