I am certified....

I am again certified to give mouth to mouth to passed out strangers. I think the best way to find out if someone is really concious is to stick a finger in their ass but the red cross seems to think other wise. I mean hell, no one can fake it when someone stickers something up your baloon knot. And it can also double as a place to check the pulse. Not that I know anything about being able to find a pulse in someones brown eye.
Now thanks to Little Oral Anne I can proudly say I am certified to breath life into unsuspecting coeds. What a life , I will tell you haha. I can also put electro shock thingies on their nipples and shock the shit out of them if they come to. Man, I should be a parametic.

Here we have some of the ppl in my class showing the proper way to use a face condom when trying to breath life into one of the ugliest sex dolls I have ever seen. I, personally, blow until there was nothing left in me to blow but I could not get any satisfaction. And the mouth hole, in my opion, was a bit small to really have any fun with anyway.



Our instructor was trying to get us in time with each other in our counting, titty compressions and mouth to mouth. This is a bad place for someone who is has 2 left hands. I am still curious as to how to do cpr on really fat ppl like the one ton man. I think at that point jumping on his chest might be in order.




After about 5 hours I took this test they could have given me the moment I got there and passed. I was so simple it made me think a little, any jack ass could pass this. And this is what says you are or are not qualified to save a life, very sad. But then again it was allot of common sense stuff and if you have common sense you could probably figure out what to do anyway.

Monday again....(but its really Tuesday)

It was a very good weekend- laid out in the sun, went to a lazer light show set to the music of Led Zepplin, had a cook out and got drunk. AAAHHH life can be good at times haha.
The light show was at this college in west bumble fuck NJ (Raritan Valley College to be exact). I have never been to one so I was not sure what to exspect.
We got there a little early because I had no idea how long it was going to take us to get there. They had a little musem to the stars so we wander around there for a few to waist some time.



Here we have my oldest showing us what being high on space looks like. Now we were the only ones here so we just ran amuch all over the place. I have a funny HNT for you all so come back Thursday to see what I did with the help of my son. I am teaching him well in the ways of redneck humor lol.



Here we have the device that makes the light and lazers for the show. I looks really strange, I am not sure what it looks like by my oldest told me it looks like he is missing a nut just like Hitler. Now I have no idea where he got that from but I did ask and he told me that on the Discovery channel he was watching a special on WWII and they said Hitler was rumored to only having one tesicle. Just in case I have never mentioned it, this boy loves war stuff and guns. I am not suprised but it does un-nerve the little woman a bit. But I have no fear, I was the same way and besides he is a gentle little guy.



Here I got a picture of Your-Anus. I wanted to touch Your-Anus but they would not let me, they said it was to far away and even if I could the tempature and gasses would kill me. Lucky for me it was behind glass.



Here we have the tunnel that lead to the light show. Not sure what they were going for, it need something more to give it more of a space feel. Maybe some ligths that went around the tube, maybe some mirrors, or maybe some portals with little aliens in it. Something, it needed something.



Of course I could not take pictures during the show so this is the last one I took before it began. The show was actually done very well. I was wondering where all the stoners were, then in they stumbled. 4 or 5 college guys bombed out of their minds. They did make any trouble but they did smell really bad and during the whole show all they said was "Woooo, ah man this is cool wooooh" I must admit if I was not driving and had the little monsters with me I probably would have love to join them.
It was strange listening to this music in such a white washed venue. This was music that (I believe) came about during the great acid wave of the 70's. I have known a few die hard Zepplin fans and they are very much burned out as in Cheech and Chong burn out. And here we all are, a bunch of (the ugliest i have ever seen) soccer moms, den leader fathers and boyscout kiddies watching a light show set to this music. And hell Robert Plant and the guys were a wild buch once apon a time, they even bought the haunted masion of Aleister Crowley. I if you dont know who he was click on the link and go have a fun read. To make a long story short on his life he was a rich brat who rebled agaist his parents by going into the occult and became known as some kinda of leader in Magic and Witchcraft.**cough cough** bullshit**cough cough** Sorry I think I swallowed something.
Led Zepplin was and will always be great party and stoner music. But maybe this is a great way to introduce the next generation to the olden days when mom and dad were still cool and willing to have sex with each other.


**NOTE**
I know it is now Tuesday and this is my Monday post, I have a cold and work is busy. So fuck me for being lazy hahahahahaha. I am not sure if I have shared this pic or not, the medicine I am on keeps me from thinking to straight but this is how I feel about my old Dodge:

Its a black Friday

Well this is my farewell to a good car:

On wendsday my car just died on me a block away from my job. I called the ghetto boys garage that I used and trust to come pick up the car. Willy Towing came and took it away, Thursday afternoon I get the call. Julio asked me to sit down, which is always a bad thing to hear from your mechanic. He told me the timing chain broke and took out several valves as it went. He gave me a few options to what I could do and I think droping a grenade in the gas tank and running like hell would have been the best choice. The only real life option was a new engine with a 3 year warrenty but it would cost me $4,8oo! The little woman took this news harder than me. You see we were almost out of debt, and everytime we are almost there something like this happens. I think this is about the 3rd time we were almost there and bam! I guess it just isnt in the cards for us to be out of the grip of creditors. But hey, it is the American way and I have learned to just roll with it. I am by no way happy about this but I know it will blow over. There are a million of things that could have happened that would have been worse than a dead car. Shit happens.

So needless to say this isnt a Friday Funny kinda day but I do want to rant about something I cannt help but laugh about. I am conveniced money makes ppl stoopid and here is a perfect example. If you are into the out doors and respect nature as a force not to fuck with you will get a total kick out of this movie:

What happened here is some self proclaimed grizzly bear expert shows his life with the bears in the Alaskan wilderness. Now he is as much of an expert as I am. He spent 13 summers out with these things and learned nothing. His name WAS Timothy Treadwell, and his girlfriends name WAS Amie Huguenard. Their dead and partially eaten bodies were found in Katmai National Park. One of the bears he soo loved had done what came natural to them, kill and eat retarted humans that think they are soft and cuddily stuffed animals. This guy, in my view, is a first class imbecile. He was out there with a good heart but to bad he was made retarded. His parents are this hippy dippy burnouts and it seemed to have rubbed of on him. He went out there with good intentious but that is what the road to hell is always paved with. And to be honest I am not sure what he thought he was doing but these animals are not to be fucked with. I have never seen one in person but I know from seeing them on tv not to go near one. We have brown bears here in NJ and we all know not to mess with them and they are ALLOT smaller that a grizzly. Now he was advised by the rangers at the park that he would be asked to leave if he did not stop what he was doing. They knew what he was up to and was asked him to no longer approach, stress, or harass the bears. He agreed but kept on what he was doing and in the end he pissed of the wrong bear. Hell he probably did not do anything but set his camp in a hungry bears territory. The rangers believed it was his aim to be known as a "Bear Whisperer" . I think this guy was really out to lunch and was a sandwich short of a full pale. He even wrote a letter to his sponsors weeks before he became human jerky for Yogi da killer bear "My transformation is complete-a fully accepted wild animal-brother to these bears." What the fuck, he must have been either really stupid or just another asshole activist who had dreams of gradure that never came through. He claimed to have identified 21 vocalizations and body languages in the bears. But to bad he missed one very important sign," Fuck off or I will eat you" I think if he spent more time in reality he might have seen it and then the both of them would probably still be alive.

The lesson here: Stupidy can be letal at times.

Tim and Amie, a portart of nonsensical Americans putting their noses where they were not wanted.

Its May Turd.....

Today my little woman turned 28. She said she did not want anything but we all know what that means right????? Well she went to school droped by the store and pick up a cake, strawberries, strawberry topping, strimmers and self relighting candles. Yes I had to get the trick candles, that is so me haha. I went home started dinner and got to work on her little brithday present. It wasnt much but I had to do something for that special woman in my life, and since I can give her Kay jewlery and fancy cars a little birtday suprise will have to do.

This is what it looked like before she got home and we all let lose on it lol.

A close up on the cake and the candles laced with gunpowder.

And after a quick AppleBees birthday song, her and little man tried to blow the Honkeie special candles out. She was about to faint and the baby was about to pee himself trying to keep them out. The kitchen was filled with smoke.....thank god the smoke ditectors dont work haha. It looked like a damn gun fight had just ened, the gun smoke hugged the air as a blanket would a swaddled baby. Thank you Loui La'moure for that one haha....and if you dont know who that is he was a great author that wrote lots of western and adventure novles. Couple of my favorite books were, The Haunted Mesa and The Walking Drum. If you like to read adventure manly books go look him up. I might have missed spelled his name so before any literate know it all points it out let me be the first to say it. I am only fucking human and dont feel like looking it up.

Kill me its Monday....

Well I guess I should have exspected this Monday to extra nasty due to the fact that the weekend was a good one. Saturday the wife unit had to work in the moring so I slept in a bit, score one for me lol. We then went to this birthday part for one of her cowork's daughter. She was turning one so they through her a little party at some Knights of Columbus hall in Rahway NJ. They had food, booze and a clown. What more could a girl ask for haha!



As one can see it was a pretty princess theme party...what a way to give a child a complex at such an early age lol.



As I said they had a bar, beer and whine was free to guest. I bought 2 gin and tonics and got a pitcher of beer and soda for our table. Well, it seems I was the only beer drinker at my table....u shall see soon enuff.



Here we have the clown doing his thing. I think I was a little to drunk to really follow but the magic tricks he was doing was blowing my alcoholed drowned mind to bits. Here we have the little woman on the far left and the wee man on the bottom. Notice him in the "going away from clown" angle. He was not scared of him but he was not too thrilled to be near him either.



Whenever my son sees a little girl he is all over them. Here we see what happens when he actually catchs one of them. I was no better when I was a wee lad, I chased them through hell and high water. I had no idea what to do with them once I got them but I knew I wanted it, so yeah my mom was pretty sure I wasnt gay from the beginning lol.



As I said earlier I was the only beer drinker at my table so who was I to waist any? It would have been thrown away and that was not happening on my watch! I was feeling rather sauced up by the time we left, thanks birthday girl!



One last look at the clown.......I swear he possed those kids, and now I have the proof!

Now from here I was feeling all tosty so we decided to take a little hike over to the mall. I love going to the mall drunk haha. Did I mention that the end of this month is when I will be posting my findings on the photo scavanger hunt? And the mall is a great place to find lots of the things on the list. If you dont know what I am talking about scroll down my side bar.........for some reason it has moved on me and I dont feel like going about and fixing as of yet.....and click on the red "Photo Scavanger hunt" button.



This isnt on the list of things to find but I got a real kick out of it. I am probably going to go back and buy this for my bro in law, he loves hot sauces. I like them too but he has a much higher threshold than I do. Lets see how he holds his own agaist Blair's!

Drum roll and go to the ER free card please...............



Now as this pictures shows, I am now in posession of one of the greatest man toys ever made. Yes folks you heard it here first, I know own a chain saw! It is my birthday/fathers day present. It is a bit early for both of them, I am still 29 damn it, but I had to have this one. I found it at home depo but the moment I saw it I had to have it. It was not the manliest of colors but it had my name allllll over it. It looks like the one I had when I was a kid that had the ball chain that rotated like a real one and even vibrated when u pulled the string. I am man with a stylish man toy.....I am sooo Fab-bu-lous right now I could just fart! I have yet to used becasue by the time I was done with all of the other outside chores I did on Sunday I was just to pooped to try it out. BUT........next weekend is supposed to be a nice one as well. I have the band-aides and neosporan ready and waiting for this adventure hahahaahhaha.

Now before I go and hit the hay, because today has been a hell of a Monday and this week looks realllly bad I thought I would leave yall off with a little thing I call A Moment Of Zen:

( Yeah we all know that what we all say on MySpace)