About Me

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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Things are looking up....

The wife unit and I have been doing a lot of talking and working through some stuff and everything is going well. My meds are helping me keep a clear head and helping me sort things out. Now if I could just stop being a lazy bastard I think I might be all squared away lol. One funny side effect of my meds is that I can finally breath out of both of my nostrils. For as long as I can remember I have never been able to breath out of both nostrils. It was just one of those things I had long since forgotten about until yesterday; it suddenly dawned on me I was breathing with both barrels! I know why but never thought it would take a powerful upper to do it haha.
And so far I have nothing but praise for the drug Vyvance, I am on it and my son is on it and it is doing wonders. I have read some stuff on line about it but as of now I have had none of the side effects I have read about. I have always had insomnia so that was not a worry. But, with my mind no longer racing all over the place I actually fall asleep right away. One of the problems with me was that if I got something locked in my head it would play out over and over again; to the point it would keep me awake. Now, when I lay down to sleep there is nothing working in my head. I still have my little day dreams but not like the crap I used to have in there.

Today is the first day without a smoke, I refuse to spend money on them and I do not hang out with people at work that do so I have no supply. If they were here I would probably smoke them lol. I am not saying I dont want one but wanting and having are two seperate things. And i no longer have that god awful taste in my mouth. As much as I love a good smoke the lingering after taste is enough to make me want to stop on my own lol.
I am now off to do some much needed school work, got to study for those damn finals, its almost over.....almost over......


I do have some picture I just got off my camera to share, what would a post from me be without pictures?

1) Lucas loves Thomas the Train, he is forever looking for his missing cars. I think this one was actually taken by Seth.


2) I took this one from the window in hallway. The screen gives a strange effect. This was Saturday, barbq, baseball, head shaving and way too many orange vodkas with red bull!


3) I bought this ball on a string toy to help teach the kids how to hit a baseball. The kids dont like it too much but the adults love it. It is fun, you can hit a ball as hard as you like and not have to go running for the damn thing. Or shell out money to pay for the damages the ball did.



4) I was leaving school the other night and just thought this looked cool. Not a big sunset/sunrise picture taker but once in a while I too wil take one.


5) And here we have Lucas and mommy. Man I swear I have some Asian blood in my family some where!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Time to say goodbye again to an old friend....

As you know I have been in a rough patch in my life and turned to an old friend for comfort. But he is what we will call 'A Toxic Friend' and yes he is literally toxic. Cigarettes, they have been a crutch in the past and have come back to haunt me. But this love affair is over, as I am putting things right again I have to put them away. The wife unit knows that I have been smoking and does not like it. But she is all to aware of why I have been, it isnt rocket science. I get stressed I smoke, normal stress doesnt do it but the stress I have been through as of late was more than normal.

This is a quick post because I have lots to do and need to get cracking. So this is my fare-well to my old friend. I have to put you away before you put me away. I even threw out the lighter, i am done.
R.I.P, you nasty things:

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A new out look....

I went to the crazy doc yesterday to talk about a few things. And ended up getting the same meds my son is on, Vyvance. He gave the lowest dose to just see how it works for me. I have an appointment in 4 weeks to review things. I started it this morning and so far so go. It seems to be helping the most with keeping my over active day dreaming to a more controlled place. I think alot of my issues have stemmed from my mind adding things to a situation that were just unfounded. I am also hoping it helps me juggle work and school better. I have been so mentally checked out that I have been putting things off and putting them off for way to long. I am going to organize myself and get this shit done.

I am taking the summer off from school just so I can de-compress from everything. I have high hopes for salvation in the form of a bottle. And one that does not come with morning regrets and a pounding head. I have joined the masses in the medicated nation. And I am ok with that.

But on a funny note, when I was walking into the office I saw that someone seemed to have an issue with the sign or docs in the place. To the point they decided to run up on the lawn. I hope it was a drunk driver and not some disgruntled crazy person:

So here is to a new day with a new out look. I am also putting the smokes down, after today I am trying to do without them. My old friend is going back to that old place with hopes of only seem them once in a blue moon. You can give up smoking but smoking never gives you up.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Monday is my day of rest....

As you can see I shaved my head this weekend. And no I was sober when it happened, cannt i stayed that way but it was something done with a clear head.
The weekend was busy as usual, we had a baseball game on Saturday. The kids are all doing so much better, I really need to get someone to video tape it. It is just too funny for words.
Then we had a little barbq and liquid adult refreshments. Orange vodka and red bull to be precise. And lets just say I enjoyed it to the max. Nothing bad happened but I did wake up at 0500hrs on Sunday morning on the couch feeling a little confused. I thought, 'oh shit what did I do that landed me here!'
But to my relieve, it was just the last place I landed when my lights went out lol.
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And that is also the time I decided my drinking needs to take a break. It used to be what I did when I was stressed but it does not seem to be helping me much. It was a relief to let go of it but it is still there. And will probably be there for sometime. I do have a confession about another vice I have started back up. Smoking, I know I know I will stop soon but for the time it is all I can think of doing when I feel the vibe crawling up my back.
I will say that it is a relationship issue that I am working on and it isnt earth shattering but it is still something that is being worked on. I just think I need to get away, I dont know where but just somewhere. And I know the problem wont go away when I come back I just want to go some place quiet to be alone for a while. I used to think if I had the chance I would have list of places to go, and now that I actually have the chance to go anywhere, there is no place I want to go. I started looking up places like Amstradamn (I know I butched that spelling) or some place closer. But all I keep coming back to is I really do not want to go anywhere where there at tons of tourist. I feel if I had to put up with that nonsense I would probably kill someone. Camping is starting to look pretty good right about now but even that I dont know if I want to. I am on a quest to reconnect with me, it is the only thing I have at the moment to go on. I have been thinking of taking up rock climbing again, but that will have to wait a few weeks until i am done with this smoking issue I have gotten back into and school.
I am putting the smokes down soon they are not helping me in the long run either but they are like an old friend and right now that is probably what I need above all. That is probably also why I come here, I have some of the coolest friends here too bad you are all so far away.
I am lost and really need to find my way again. I know everything will be cool in the end; the kids are healthy and happy, school sucks but it will always suck, I am still married with no intent of ever changing that, but it is time I take a step back from what has been going on. I can feel it pushing me farther and farther to a place I do not want to go to. Idile hands, are the devils workshop......these are words that ring true over and over again. A wondering mind can be a dangerous place. That is why I am putting on the breaks on a lot of things. And taking control over all that I have posted about in these past few weeks.
Today is a new day with new hope, lets see how it pans out.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Free Therapy.....

I would like to thank all those who sent me messages and emails about these stressful times. Things are getting better and everything will be ok, and thanks to the fact I am done with my art paper does help but I still have one more to write but it really isnt a hard one.

Much of my stress has been self induced, my emotion have taken hold and I let them get the better of me. I have come to terms with this and decided it is time to bring them back in check. I dont want to turn them off as I have in the past, and yes one can do it when so inclined. But going around void of feelings is not a way to be.

I have been thinking about that movie: 'Equilibrium' with Christian Bale. If you have not seen it go get it, if you like the 'Matrix' then you like this one. In the movie; society has found the true root to mans injustice to man, emotions. So that found a way to suppress them to the point that no one acts out or responds to emotions. It is a bit far fetched but it does make sense. Crimes of passion, hate, lust and want are no more. I dont want to go to that extreme but I do wish I could turn them down. Emotions are often irrational and lead to making rash decisions because of a feeling.

The other night I wish I could have turned mine off and let things be, I was in a situation where my emotions put me in a place I have not been in a very long while. I was mad, no I was pissed beyond understanding. I cannt even remember a time I was that mad, at anything. I wont go into what set it off, it comes from a place I dont want to go into yet. But again my emotions went off like a gas fire and I could not stop it. I could not sleep and I was so wired up I did not even know what to do with myself.

And in hind sight it really should have not gotten that bad. That was the moment I decided to put my emotions in check, meditation and breathing techniques will be my tools. Whenever I feel the rise of bad emotions or irrational thoughts I just stop and move my mind else where. So far it has helped a bit, but each time I have to get a grip on it before it runs away from me. And when it starts running it is hard to stop it.

I always thought myself to be a pretty level headed person, I never went off on someone for cutting me off in traffic, I would never said things that were on the tip of my tongue in the heat of a moment, and I used to never let my feelings get the better of me. But these past few weeks I have just about broken all of those. Everything pisses me off, there has been nothing but bile and filth in my mouth and my emotion have been my guide.

I am taking a stand against myself at the moment, I am at war with what is festering and I shall win. We are our own worst enemy, the worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves and then try to make others believe as well. I am done with the lies and done with feeling like crap.

And here is one more tool I have been using on a daily basis to calm this green headed monster I have been dealing with. I dont feel like going into what it is, I was introduced to by my wife and her Uruguaina family and man does it help. If you want more info watch this video. The guys here seem a bit limp wristed but oh well, to each his own lol:< http://yerbamate.com/





Thursday, April 15, 2010

Stress levels.....

My stress levels are at an all time high right now. I cannt even seem to from the words needed to express myself. Work is probably the only place I have that has the least amount of stress, it is like that is where I go to get a break. I have papers to write but I just can not bring myself, as of now, to even begin them. I should workout/ run but my motivation or desire to do so is just gone. I find myself not wanting to eat so I have no worry about gaining weight lol.

My home life is just gnawing at me so bad these days. I try with all my might to act like everything is normal when it is not. I find myself in fits or anger, sadness and almost seer blinding confusion within seconds of each other.

Losing control and just letting go often seem like the best idea but I do not have that luxury. I wanted to come here to just unload but it is on a very personal level that I am not ready to share details as of yet but I had to let a little out or I feel this pressure is going to make me pop. I am do not want to take any more classes but I have to, I just want it over with but it just seems like it is never going to end. I have to register for summer classes but I have been dragging my feet so bad that I might miss getting any class, and I have to get at least one class in. Ether I take class or I start paying off this loan, damned if you do damned if you dont. I am sitting at work and feeling like a trapped animal with so much pent up frustration that I am not sure what to do first. All of the usual stress relievers seem to only make it worse. Drinking does nothing for me, I dont want to exercise and even the thought of it makes me annoyed, having a smoke only makes my mind wander more and I have no desire to eat.

I even spoke with a therapist about it and I am going back in about a week but happy pills wont fix the problem. I am in a place that I am unfamiliar with and having a hard time finding my way. I know it is only a phase and I will look back on this and only scoff at myself for being or thinking like this. But this is the here and now and I have having a hard time with it.

I am not sure where to put all of this, I am trying to put some of it here with hopes that looking back on it I might find a clue that I have been over looking. When my mind starts to wander it tends to find the darkest corners of my mind to fester. I am in a funk that has a serious grip on me.

What to do what to do? I am not sure, but right now I do not want to do anything at all, just sit here and stare at my computer. And it seems the more I stare the more I type out whatever drivels out of my head. Stress is a dangerous thing that very few seem to understand or know how to coupe with. Now, how to end a post that really had no beginning? Maybe put some pictures or something funny I found on the internet.....no I really dont feel like it. Maybe just delete the whole thing and forget about it......no I did not go through all the trouble of logging on here and typing this out to just erase it.

I am just going to end it and go get a cup of coffee and try to just let things fall where they may and not ponder things soooo much. It is as if my mind fills in the blanks with what could be when in reality they probably are not so. I put up on my fridge the other day a quote from a movie I know all to well, I was drunk when I did it but it still rings in my ears:

Losing all hope is freedom.

The wife unit asked why I put that there and I could not really answer it as well as I wanted to. It is complicated and it does not mean I have no hope or dreams. As long as i am still breathing I will always have them. But to me it means just letting go, and letting things be as they are. Stop trying so hard, stop adding things to the unknown trying to make sense of it all. Losing all control is freedom, turning off and just letting things be what they are can possibly help. Typing this out is actually helping and I didnt even have to pay a co-pay for it lol.

But I will add one picture, an old one I might have already posted. But it is I how I spend my down time at work:

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Been a While....

Of course many things have happened since I was last here. It seems every time I try to pop in here something always happens.
*like right now, I had 3 phones ringing off the hook the moment I started typing!*
So lets get this show on the road......

1) I am now the coach of my sons baseball team....its a damn full time job! I think next year I will just stick to assistant, it is just a bit too much really.


2) Here we are at the parade of disorder. I wont complain about the league to much but the disorganization is one key factor to me not wanting to do this again. It is bad, if you don't chase after them about stuff you never find out.
3) Yesterday I had to go into the city to go to the MET ( The Metropolitan Museum of Art). It is part of this paper I have to write for school. So it was a rushed visit but we still had fun.


4) We took the subway for the first time in many many years. We only had to turn around once so it was not so bad. I was going to take a cab but fuck that the subway was way faster.

5) Reading maps is an important skill to have, to bad we all failed this day lol
6) This is the guy I have to write my paper on. All I can say right now is that it is a Roman statue, that was originally a bronze Greek statue. The Romans loved all the Greek art but loved the bronze more for weaponry. So they made marble copies of them and melted down the originals for the copper.


7) Medieval art is full of religious themes. Which are full of skulls, bones and death. Got to love it!


8) This was one of the only ones I found with tits! She must have been known world wide for her wonderful ta-tas


9) Just a typical statue from the time period. But what i found funny was a security guard had to tell a woman to 'Get her kids of the sculpture' Really, if you have to be told not to climb on the art work maybe you should not be in an art museum.


10) After all that high class thinking we headed over to TGIF's for some low brow beer and burgers. I had 2 beers and a nasty greasy burger that tasted awesome. It was like an orgy in my mouth!


11) Wife unit laughing at her brothers face after downing a double shot of vodka!


12) I always take the train into the city, best nap time ever lol


13) I am just glad I didnt swallow that tooth pick and they did not stick something in my mouth lol


14) Got to love 'The Garden State'
In all it was a really fun time. We hope to get to the city more often this summer, I am sure the kids would love Central Park. I know I did when I was a kid. But now I am off to do tons of work and school work that I have been putting off and putting off. God damn what a bummer.....
'Procrastination and masturbation are very similar, in the fact; than in the end you are just fucking yourself'