About Me

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I live in the state of constant confusion. Its the state colored blue on the map. And yes I can find any place on the globe, its all color cordinated! (duh)Asia is pink, England is green and France ....well France felt they were soo much better than everone else they have become their own planet.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

What do you mean you are all out.....

Well, last night after a heart pounding time at the gym me and the wife unit stop at Target to get some hand sanitizer. One she works at a bank and handles nasty money all day and two the swine flu thingie. I have never been one to use this stuff, and still don't, but it seems to be all the rage these days.
To the point Target was completely sold out! The people that make this shit are making a killing of this paranoia! And yes Americans thrive on paranoia! It is almost like we need something to be scared of to get us to do anything. Even to the point of seeing things at my job I have never seen.....like this:



and this:


I see these type of things in restaurants all the time....and for good reason. But I work in an office and luckily it is away from everyone else. I only come in contact with people if I want to, or I get bored and want to go for a walk.
They also sent out this email about how to wash your hands. And I swear this shows just how retarded they must think we are. It told us to wash our hands for 20 seconds of for the length of a 'Happy Birthday'......WTF is this mickey mouse bullshit.....a happy birthday! Come on, I can handle counting to 20 thank you very much! But telling retards about how long to do and actually getting them to do it is a whole different story.
If you go potty and either dont wash your hands or just rinse them off with a quick spurt of water, guess what? I notice, and I know who's hand to shake and who's to use Puerile right after. I know my hands are not always the cleanest but I do wash them after putting them near my nether areas!

Ok that is all I got to say about that.....but why oh why would something so tasty cause everyone such a horrible problem. I love pigs.....bacon, ham, pork rinds, pork chops, pickled pigs feet, fat back.......oh why oh why have you done this to us!?!

Now for something completely different:
I love motivational posters and I would like to share a few I just found.

(again if you get this odds are you know me pretty well)


I take a piece of that! Rare please, I dont want any burnt areas, make it pink the middle and juicy all around.


I am all over the place today because of my workout. I have all kinds of energy today, I did 3 sets of reports, blogged, read the paper and took had a movement that Amadeus would have been proud of! Thank you Metamucil! I have been upping my protein in take, got some joint health stuff and been downing water like a frat boy does beer! WOOOOHOOOO I am loving being back at the gym.
Last night we took the kids to the day care thing they have and surprisingly they liked being there. Not one cry or peep out of them. We set them down and they were off! We are going again tonight, and we made sure we put in reservation for the child care. Yes you have to call in advance to tell them you are coming in with kids....weird but it does make sense. And I just noticed I still have on that little bracelet thingie they give you......uh oh time to ingest fuel and hydrate!
Ahhh much better. I add peanut butter to my shakes to bring the protein content up to 36 grams a shake. If you are working out you have to feed that muscle or it will not grow at the rate it should. And yes even if you are looking to lose weight you still have to eat. Nothing will get you on the right trace better than your diet. No amount of crunches or dead lifts will get you where you want to be like proper nutrition.

Ok enough.....I am now off to do another set of reports, push some paper around to make it look like I was working all this time and then go take a nap in the bathroom....tp makes a great pillow when piled and folded just right.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

USS Theodore Roosevelt Tiger Cruise 2009

The wife unit, her brother and sister flew down to FL to attend the Tiger Cruise on the USS Theodore Roosevelt with their brother Doug. It was like bring your family to work day, but lasted 3 days and 2 nights up on the cruiser. America Fuck Yeah!
These are the pictures I got off of the wife's camera, her sister has a SHIT load more than I am willing to go through but these are just a few that will give everyone an idea of what it was like.

Day one was spent in FL waiting for the boat to pull into port. They all under estimated the power of the FL sun and got really funny sun burns. I do not have pictures of it but I will try to sneak a picture of the wife's bib when I can.


This thing is fuck huge! Up close and in person it is almost over whelming, but it sure does make ones pride in the US military swell!


This is the very place the said sun burns where made......farmers tan should be changed to stupid tourist tan lol.



Here we have the wife unit, Doug and Alan......arent they cutie!


Doug being his usual self, and I swear when I first saw this I thought it was someone else!


From the looks of this he looks like he is getting reamed out for something, but odds are she is playing the game....'Guess what my fingers smell like and where they have been'


White pants on a naval cruiser...who wears white pants on a naval cruiser?!?


Not sure what the name of this is but lets call it the big opening on the side of a ship made of metal that actually floats.


Death from above.....we have no intelligence, I repeat we have no intelligence!


Speak softly and carry a big stick....or have someone follow behind you with a gigantic boom stick that floats!


Like I said before this thing is huge, this picture does not do the actual size justice. 'What size are you sir.......ACTUAL.' and if you get this joke then your name might be Doug!


Hold hands for safety, never know what these crazy semen might do!


It is a Kodak moment....to bad Kodak makes shitty cameras!


These semen really know how to have fun. One of the many thing they did while on cruise is sing karaoke. Here we have the wife, the SIL and 3 semen belting their hearts out. It is to note this is not the first time I have seen my wife sandwiched between two dudes and I am not sure if the guy in brown is grabbing the guy in blue junk. I am trying to find out as we type!


I said, 'Back the fuck up this is my flight deck, I am in charge and know what I am talking about!'


A little rest and relaxation in a tight quarters. And yes they are as dirty as they look, water can never was that off!


He is available if anyone is looking for some semen love......


They said it was fun but the odds of them doing it again are slim. The quarters were tight, the beds like coffins and the showers....well the showers where a bit to open for their civilian liking. The wife said she saw lots of free range bush on the boat. It seems the idea of modesty goes out the port-hole after a few weeks of living so close to one another.
I might put some more pictures up here and there after I sort through the SIL 500+ pictures she took. That might take a while but hey I am not going anywhere.

ps....I know that I have been saying SEMEN instead of SEAMEN....really I do know the difference..... 8======D~

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Recently I have been going to the gym and loving it. The wife has finally gotten on the band wagon and actually wants to go too. We started up last week and kept it going last night. The first week soreness has worn off somewhat. I did back and bicep last night and hope to keep up the pace to go Wednesday, Thursday and maybe Saturday. I know I will never be super buff but by god that is not going to stop me from trying!

It has been really hot here in NJ for the past few days, and we have yet to go up to the attic to get our air conditioners. So that has meant fans and hot showers. But on Sunday night the little one was having a hell of time with the heat. Crying and whining his little heart out. I went to go check on him around midnight and this is what I saw:

Poor sweaty baby all passed out on the floor. But I love how the spoon is just about under him. I have no idea where he got the spoon but it was his!

More randomness from my world:
Here we have some local Newark art work. I stopped and asked the guy doing this if he was asked to do this. Since I have never seen a graffiti artist in action, they are like urban art ninjas! And he said the owner of the restaurant paid him to do this. Know your customers and get more business I guess.



It isn't done yet, and I hope to stop by when there are no cars, or locals around and get a better shot. Some of the people that frequent this place would scare off even the bravest of white people ha!

And yes I only live blocks from this place and have never been in there, lets just say I saw my first real hooker right around the corner from here and see active drug selling going on as if it was Mary Kay!

Friday, April 24, 2009

A little late but that is just me....

Ok where to begin where to begin.....So, last Wednesday I started my vacation. I had to drop the wife, sister and brother in law off at JFK to fly down to FL. They where meeting up with the USS Roosevelt to attend what was called the 'Tiger Cruise' it was like bring your family to work for 3 days in the Navy. And this is where my 3 days of just me and boys started!

To start things off we got lost on the way home, I am not used to going to JFK and there was horrible weather. First I missed one turn, then I missed the second and then the third was closed and the detour was all screwed up. And in the end I ended up in NYC! Right in front of the Empire State building!!!! But luckily I knew my way home from there. Just a right onto the Holland Tunnel and right onto Rt.9 and bamm Home Sweet Home. But the weather was really crappy that day so we all staid in and played, and I cleaned.
Thursday, I took the baby to the sitter and took Seth to the mall. We watched Monsters vs. Aliens, that boy did not say a word from the time that movie started! I liked it myself, just the movie theater had an awesome sound system that they felt needed to be set at 'Bone Rattling!' Then we went to Jeppers, it is just another name for Chucky Cheese really. Except they use these credit cards instead of coins to play games. He ran in the gym until he was purple then played some racing games, that boys loves to race! We then went to the park to practise some Tball, our coach seems to cancel more practises than actual practise so I make it a point to at least practise with my spastic monkey.

Friday was a lot of running around cleaning and getting things ready to drive to VA to pick up everyone. I was leaving at 0100 hrs on Saturday so I had the mother in law come over and watch them while I got some sleep before the drive. I was thinking of getting some smokes for the road but I wasn't driving my car so I went for the winter fresh Skoal instead. I am not a big chewing fan so I went with the less manly approach and got the pouches. Same effect with a bit less of the mess! I forgot how dizzy chewing tobacco makes you at first lol. But if you ever have to drive for a long time alone chewing tobacco is the way to go; coffee makes you have to pooh, uppers and energy drink make you have to pee; but if you go with the Gatorade at least the bottle can double as a urinal!

The trip down there was actually relaxing until I hit VA and got lost trying to find the damn base! But luckily I was able to get in touch with the Navy man and gave the directions in. And even after all the turning around and slow driving.....yes I drive slow it helps with gas....I still got there in plenty of time to wait around and get a farmers tan. I have plans to go to a tanning salon just to even out, I am not really into tanning but I hate retard tans more than none at all!

This is the one of the few pictures I got right before my camera died. The wife unit has a bunch more so I will probably be putting those up as soon as I get them uploaded. My bunch can be seen on the top row, from the left we see Sharon taking a picture of me taking a picture, then we have the wife unit, navy man and mudmonkey.....don't ask but that is his nick name!



This is the other picture I got right before it went dead. There was so much love in the air it was hard not to tear up. These men and women have been away from their loved ones for almost 8 months, and a big thank you goes out to all that have or currently serving in the military! Thank you Ranger Tom you will not be missed in this post....do you still have that bazooka?



This is just some random picture i took at work, I wonder if this was an accident lol!



We live blocks away from some really rough PJ's (projects) and I have been watching this guy paint this wall for the past few days. I finally pulled up to get a picture and ask him a few questions. He said the owner of the restaurant asked him to do it, damn good too! When your business is in the ghetto you have to let them know you are rep-ra-senting!



We took the kids to the park last weekend after Seth's Tball photo shoot and took some pictures. You know those kind of pictures that go right into the photo album, or in our times we create a folder and name it 'Day at the park spring of 09'

Here we have a future baseball card!



After a change of cloths it was off to da park!



Someone thought this would be funny......I am not amused....just kidding I was laughing my ass off!



This was the very moment I found it, and told the wife unit.



Here we have Lucas making his way to the top.



He loves these things and hates it when I do my 'Momma had a baby and its head popped off' song. You sing that then pop the head of the flower off with your thumb. I am not sure if anyone else does this but my mom taught me that when I was little and I still do it to this day!



After all that running around we went for breakfast at the diner. We got the booth right behind the gray penis. As you can see he was happy to see us.



And as usual Lucas gets his own seat, strapped down with every put out of his reach. He hates sitting in these things but it is the only way we can go out to eat and not end the day with ketsup, grape jelly, salt, pepper and steak sauce in his hair!




I will be on again in the next few days, I have about 500 pictures to go through from my wives trip, the sister in law takes LOTS of pictures. Now it is just the job of going through them and finding the good ones. That will be a job for me and a bottle of Crystal Skull Vodka. Which me and the brother in law downed while watching Grandma's Boy, Ona Bok 2 and American Psycho. That night ended about 0400 in the morning, I live for nights like that. I love big parties but sometime the best times can be had with just 2 people some booze and some good movies!
Oh....and one more thing:


feeling stoopid
-- Site Summary ---
Visits

Total ....................... 40,142
Average per Day ................. 11
Average Visit Length .......... 1:03
This Week ....................... 78
This is from my site meter thingie! I put this thing on here sometime around 2005 and I have finally gone past the 40,000 mark. Mind you its probably more trolls and spammers but still look at those numbers woohoo!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I'll be right back....


Work has me in a corner as one can see! I have a post that will be going up soon, work has been a little busy. A few last mintue projects and more emails than I am willing to admit. But I have lots of pictures and will have them up probably later to night. This will also probably be done in several post because of how many pictures I have but I will have at least one up tonight. See yall later....

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Time off....

Today is my last day of work until next Wednesday, which means lots of stress in a short amount of time. I swear I have forgotten to remember soo many things in the past few hours I am about to just stop thinking! So I am going to bullshit for a minute on my blog to help clear my head. And to make a little list of the things I need to do before 3pm today:





  1. Put my away message on my computer and phone.



  2. Clean off my desk



  3. Do payroll for this coming Friday, I want to get paid yah know lol



  4. Clean off my desk



  5. Do all the paper work that has been piling up in my in box.......clean desk(ps....done!)



  6. Make sure all shifts are covered....I still need to get coverage for Monday and Tuesday



  7. Clean my desk



  8. and last but not least, turn my computer off!



And if you have not guessed it my desk is rather...messy ha! I am trying to remember what I have to do and I am coming up blank.....I hate the last day before vacation and the last day of vacation, but then again who doesn't :-)

But, to just unwind for a second I want to post a few pictures we took over the Easter Sunday. Its that time we ingest large quantities of chocolate to remember that the Easter bunny died.....oh wait that isn't how the story goes......Once upon a time there was a gardener named.....oh wait that isn't it either.....Jesus H. Christmas walks into a bar....no no, damn it to hell I cannot remember how that fable goes.....

And if you cannot take a joke about religion and laugh a little then you are not allowed to laugh at a joke that is aimed at anyone else. And besides: All religions think they are the true religion which actually just means they are all wrong. Mathematically if one of them is a positive then one has to be a negative for the equation to equal out!

And if you are really trying to figure that one out, then I hope you pull something thinking about it!


I hope everyone had a happy weekend regardless of what you did or believe! Here we have Lucas wearing his rubbers....I have no idea why he wanted to wear this but he would not go out without it!


Seth and his find......feed me chocolate daddy and see what happens!



Mommy and Seth---side note---I just found out that the actor, Seth Green, is 34! And yes he was the person I had in mind when we named him. I wanted to name him Ozzy but the wife said HELL NO! So his middle name is Osbourne.....close enough lol!



Up close of Lucas....chocolate and boogers no better way!


Monday, April 13, 2009

Well...I am alive......

As most that come here on a regular basis know that I tried to take on Zeus, the 12.5 lb hamburger at the Clinton Station Diner, in Clinton, NJ. Me and Pete had 1.5 hours to finish it and if we did so we got the burger for free and $500 bucks......here take a look at this thing!



Here is just one slice of this monster.....it was good I must say.......



Not even a dent.....


After our time I ran out I was very very stuff and cured of wanting hamburger for some time. It was the bread that was the killer. I am not sure what kind of bread it was but it was tasty.....at first lol...
But in the end we did not finish it all, the meat won! We ended the battle around 4:30pm and I did not eat until 4 pm the next day. And after that I did not eat anything until 10 this morning. I must have scared my hunger pains into remission! We did take the rest home, but I have yet to touch it.....and god help me if I do!
I will have some Easter Sunday pictures up later on tomorrow, I just had to get these on here before I left for the day. Because I know if I don't do it before I leave work I will never get it up lol. I do have one last picture from that day to show:
This is the truck we found in the parking lot, it had some of the best bumper stickers I have ever seen. Some of them were rather....tasteless, offensive and out right fucked up......but you all know you would have rear-ended this asshole reading and laughing! The best one is "Bumper Stickers Are Stupid"
Monday has been insane so far; lets see how it goes when I leave! This was a super fast post, so do not mind all the mistakes and run ons.......I am not going to even spell check it, it has been that busy today!

Friday, April 10, 2009

I will beat Zeus!

My neighbor and myself have excepted the call of man vs. meat. Tomorrow at 3pm we will be taking on Zeus at the Clinton Station Diner. It is 7lbs of meat that you can eat alone or with a friend. The challenge is to eat it all in 3 hours, if you go it solo, or in an hour in a half if you have help. I must show you a visual, not many people can truly understand what a 7lb burger looks like:



If you meet the challenge you get the burger for free and I also heard that there is a cash prize. But I am not interested in the money, I am doing it for the glory, for the pride, for the bragging rights to say I ATE ZEUS! They also have the Mt. Olympus Challenge:
A 50lb burger that you and 3 others have 3 hours to eat. That is 12.5lbs of meat per person, just in case you were wondering (and yes I had to use a calculator to figure that one out). And again let me help you wrap your brains around what that looks like:



I will have my camera and I will have a post about this one on Monday. So if you don't hear from me by then start calling all the local Jersey hospitals looking for a tall, hot, 32 year old, white male, who was admitted with chest pains and a blocked colon that was covered in ketsup and lettuce.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Dan was in Elizabeth!

That is right folks, Dan Aykrod was at Bayway Liquor's in Elizabeth, NJ and I was there to see him. He was there promoting his new Vodka, Crystal Skull Vodka. It is fashioned from a real human skull and represents the same idea and myth from that crappy Indiana Jones movie. Sorry, I love Indiana Jones but how many times can that same old snake joke really be all that funny?
But anyway, we had a little insider information on this so we did get to slide on in a little bit ahead of everyone. Nothing along the lines of going in the back and sitting down with him.....which would have FUCKING ROCKED....but hey I got pretty damn close.
Here we have a picture of a car that was driven by these really strange looking bunch from way upstate NY. Unfortunately I did not get them in the shot, but they might have flung some cheap Hot Topic makeup at me or poked out my eye with some cheesy pewter spiked ring or something. They had these stickers all over there car.....oh sweet smokes are 'only' $7 now!



Here we have the great moment of his arrival. There was some wacky woman screaming "Welcome to Elizabeth Dan!" the whole time he was outside the store talking with...whomever. Man you got to love these people!



Here we have Dan walking from the back office to the seat of honor. One thing to note here:
Seconds before this was taken a whole throng of teen girls were seen leaving that said room and ushered out the back......makes you go hmmmmm just a little hahaha....but then again I did hear a rumor that he is hung like a horse....I am just putting that out there for a little food for thought.



Dan is the man! And he is a lot taller than most actors, hell Tom Cruise is what 4'11 or some shit?!? I did not get to talk with him personally but from all the conversation I heard he seems like a really cool guy. I will be getting my signed bottle sometime today....like I said I go people.



A little mood lighting and props can make or break the scene!



If you ever get a chance to go ghetto hopping your really need to check out this store. They have shit I will never be able to afford and they have lots of hard to find hooch as well. If Bayway doesn't have it, it either doesn't exist or it's illegal. Here is a little tid bit about the store I found online.....Whisky Guild.



The little bit of decorating sure went a long way, it was simple but very tasteful. But I really think they needed some of the local flavor to really make it.Like that hooker that was pissing on the sidewalk right outside could have been there to lend a hand. Or maybe that crazy guy that is always outside the door with the ashy skin and yellow eyes could have been in charge of tasting each bottle for quality control. It never hurts to help those around you, that's all i am saying....



I will be in possession of a crystal skull sometime soon I did not have the time to wait out the line that had formed around the block. But I would not walk out of a happy store empty handed! I saw a nice boxed bottle of absente that came with a spoon! I have been trying to find an absente spoon that did cost $30 or more and have been rather unsuccessful. But looky looky, not only is the box cool, it comes with its very own absente spoon! Now all I need to get is a cool glass to make it perfect.



But until then an everyday glass will do. I must say it taste A LOT better than the last one I got. This is a product of France and so was my first bottle, Le Tourment Vert. the last one came from Switzerland (Kubler) and it was....vile! But its booze so it will go in the emergency drawer, right along with the vanilla extract and the Ever-Clear.....for those days when you REALLY need it and dont have it.....



I love the art work on the box it came in, I am off to see what other things Ron English has done. I wish I could paint, but then again i have never tried....I think I might ask for the Bob Ross starter set for my birthday to see if there is any hope. If he can make Happy Trees so can I damn it!



FYI-I just found a great painting by Ron English and it coast $20,000! Fuck me running with something hard and sandpapery!